Just not worth it

[AMDB]

I am a sixty year old male and I have come to the conclusion the world doesn't care about anyone who isn't young and is suffering. The people around me will miss my wallet and money, but sadly I feel the will not miss me. 

My second wife saw me looking at some porn on the internet and she reckons she must be married a pervert. When she gets a idea in her head there is no moving it, so I will be a pervert for the rest of my life. She told me a few days ago that being with me makes her want to vomit. She is my world and my only friend. Her first husband also committed suicide and I think I now finally understand. I don't think anyone could live up to her standards. I got a referral from my GP to see a psychiatrist, I call every psychiatrist in Brisbane, none would see me because they don't work with people like me. I called every day to New Farm clinic and Toowong clinic for weeks, but nothing. All psychiatrists are full and most don't "take on" older patients. I was told by one receptionist that if I had tried suicide and failed then she could get me an emergency appointment. I asked, what if I tried and don't fail. She didn't answer and just suggested I phone someone else. When you get past a certain age, you become invisible and no long valued by society. I can't go through another divorce at my age and I am just pulling everyone down with me. I am just tied of living, of the battle, of the disappointments. I don't even know why I am writing on this forum.  Thanks for listening.

[Sophie_M]

Dear AMDB 

We are so sorry to hear how difficult things are for you right now. We wanted to let you know that, while you have had some difficulty getting support recently, your life is still valuable. We believe that if you keep trying to get support, you will find the right professional for you. We understand that sometimes the effort involved in finding an appropriate practitioner is much too hard for a person who is already mentally struggling - we want to empathise with you on this and acknowledge this difficulty, but also encourage you to continue seeking support. Please do feel free to give our support service a call (available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636) or contact them via the chat function (available 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport).  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

We thought we'd also provide you with the details of crisis support services and other support services. 

Crisis support: 

• Lifeline (13 11 14)
• Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

Other support: 

• MensLine Australia (1300 78 99 78 and https://mensline.org.au/)
• You can also find information on support groups is available on the Black Dog Institute site here - https://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/resources-support/support-groups/ It might be helpful to join a support group to try and build a social network in your area.​​​

We do have some other support options in mind for you but do not want to overwhelm you with options. If you prefer chat-based services then please let us know and we can provide you with the details. 

We're really glad you posted here, and that you felt comfortable enough to share some of these vulnerable feelings and thoughts with our community.  We hope that the community support will be of help to you help you to feel more valued. 

[S_D]

Hi AMBD,

I'm so sorry to hear you've been going through such a tough time. I want to say as a younger person I really value the older people in my life. It's those I know who are over 60 who have given me the best advice and whose knowledge I value the most. Watching adult content is normal and definitely doesn't make you a pervert either! It can be disheartening when you try to get help, as you have, and there is a waitlist for the services. I hope you can find a clinic that can see you soon as things can get better. I wonder if you and your partner could even look into getting some support together and work through this. In the meantime is there anything you could do that you enjoy to brighten your day a little bit? Maybe watching some stand up comedy online or going for a walk in nature, any hobbies you have that make you feel better?

[socialmoth]

Hi AMBD,

I am so sorry to hear about what you're going through at the moment. It can be incredibly hard to bounce back after reaching out for help and not getting it. It's a real shame that you've had that experience, but unfortunately I don't believe it is uncommon.

I want to echo what S D said about how the older generations bring so much value to the lives of everyone. I've seen first hand how it may not seem like that, which is really unfortunate. But I have always had a connection with my grandparents and older neighbours that I will always value - I wish the rest of the world would do the same.

Have you spoken to one of the helplines Sophie mentioned? I know that some organisations are able to provide the details of clinics that specialise in certain areas. They might recommend you a good one for you.

[therising]

Hi AMDB

As a 50yo gal, I've only just reached the conclusion that life is meant to be lived sensationally. I've personally lived through years of the horrible sensations that come with depression and am relieved those years are behind me. It was coming out of depression and living a life beyond it that has led me to to question and understand just what a lack of certain sensations or feelings can do to a person. I've also come to understand the impact those around us can have on our mental health.

By the way, while porn has never really been my thing, I can fully understand why people look to it for a sensational experience (for mind and body). As long as it's all harmless, no harm done. Some studies actually suggest that as men age, it's in their best interest to look after their testosterone levels when it comes to prostate health. So, you could say basic porn could be seen as a natural therapy as a man ages, as long as it's not taking over his life.

It's amazing how if you're able to acknowledge the lack of things in your life, this can actually tell you who you naturally are. Wondering if you can relate to any of the following

• If you struggle with the amount of closed minded people in your life, this tells you you're naturally open minded
• If you struggle with a lack of adventure in your life, this tells you you're a natural adventurer. For a natural adventurer, not adding ventures to life (just repeating the same old ones day in and day out) can become depressing
• If you struggle with a lack of wonderful people in your life (people who are full of wonder and philosophy), this tells you that you are naturally wonderful
• If you struggle with a lack of inspiration, this tells you that you naturally thrive on inspiration and suffer without it

The list goes on.

For myself, discovering who I naturally am has been both a liberating and deeply painful process. Much of the pain has come from the deprivation or lacking in the lead up to better understanding myself. I believe we are not designed to be deprived of the sensations we best resonate with. I believe we're designed to feel the sensations that come through an open mind, through adventure, wondering about so much and there is nothing on earth like the feeling or sensation or charge that comes with inspiration. Truly energising, mind altering and life altering.

With the disappointment side of life, I'm gradually learning to not appoint roles to people who aren't going to fill them. It's a challenge.

🙂