It's been a while

[hannalogy]

Hi,
I first self harmed in highschool. My mum was on drugs and often acted in distressing ways that resulted in trauma for me. It grew in intensity till I was about 19 when I managed to find help and a way out. I was at least able to stop injuring myself badly. It's flared up once or twice since (I'm now 33) but not as bad as I no longer drink to excess (it was the combination of drinking and self-harm that really got me into trouble).

Anyway.. Its been more difficult for me lately. I'm going through a rough patch. Its difficult (but probably good) because I have small children.. I'm basically never alone and things that leave lasting marks are not an option for me. I'm already wondering how I will explain my scars to them when they eventually ask. I think that is helping me not be too stupid. But in the moments when my emotions are so intense I can't cope I take myself quietly away and do something that hurts but will fade. Anyway.. I tried to bring it up with my counselor but she didn't engage with it at all. It was in the context of something else we were discussing and she just let it go by. Id actually worked up a lot of nerve to tell her about it and when she didn't really respond to it at all I felt terrible. Like I must just be seeking attention in her eyes or.. whatever. I don't understand why. Is what I'm doing not counting?? I don't know what I had hoped for, I think I just wanted to talk about it, to not have it as this hidden thing I was doing. I didn't want her to make a huge deal about it, but I wanted to talk about it.

[Sophie_M]

Hey hannalogy,

Thank you so much for reaching out to the community, and being so open and honest with your thoughts and feelings. We understand that it can take a lot of strength to share your experiences, and we're really sorry to hear that upon telling your counsellor about self-harming, they didn't respond as expected or hoped. It sounds like this must have been really disheartening, especially when you'd worked up the courage to be able to verbalise it to them. You've taken such a big step in reaching out to both your counsellor, and to our community here, and please know that we are here to help offer as much support, conversation and advice as you through this overwhelming time. Please know that you're not alone and there will be other members in the community who can relate to what you are describing. 

We'd really encourage you to talk these feelings through with the kind counsellors at our Beyond Blue Support Service, who are available to you anytime on 1300 22 4636 or also through webchat (1pm-12am AEST) if you'd feel more comfortable talking online: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport Our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) and Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) are also available 24/7 during overwhelming moments. Please do feel free to use these services as often as you need to talk through what's on your mind when it's feeling like too much to cope with.

Please also feel free to keep us updated here on your thread with what you are feeling and experiencing whenever you feel up to it - we really do hope that you find this to be a safe and non-judgemental space.

 

[Aaronsis]

Hi hannalogy

Welcome back to our community, well done for reaching out to get some comfort and some support when you are feeling so bad and like what you are doing does not count.

I wanted to say how sorry I am that when you took the courage to share and tried so hard to share what you were feeling with your councellor that you did not receive the support or the understanding that you needed in that time. Can I say though that finding the right person to support you through your healing journey is crucial and it might take a few different therapists until you find the right one, the one you connect with and the one that supports you in the way you need. Non the less, I am so very sorry that your sharing with her fell short of what you needed. That must have been so painful and so hurtful and I am so sorry that happened.

You can talk here too, as you are, I am here to listen and to hear all about anything you would like to share, anything you feel comfortable to get off your chest and hopefully I can give you some support in return. You matter so very much and everything you do matters so much. As you said, you have small people you are caring for and you need to be the best version of you, not only for them but absolutely for you. You deserve happiness and joy and the ability to enjoy the times with your children and to flourish in your life, you deserve that.

I would also like to chat to you about some things you could do when you do feel like you need to take yourself away and to feel and to hurt, I actually started a thread here welcoming others to share how they cope in these times, you might want to have a read what other people are trying to manage also:

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/suicidal-thoughts-and-self-harm/instead-of-harming-myself-i-now-(list-three-of-four-dot-points)

With regards to telling your children, I feel like you can almost embrace your scars as a time in your life when things where so bad and that you made it through, you chose you and you saw a brighter day. Like a warrior that went to battle and made it through. They don't necessarily need to know all the details or how or the why but that they are apart of your story, BUT they are not who you are, they do not define you and I would like to suggest that there is no shame in that, but I cannot tell you how to feel.

I really hope to chat to you some more as I would like to hear how you are feeling and how your day is today.

Hugs to you

Sarah xx