Is recovery from long-term severe depression possible?

[Trans22]

I've loving my life since accepting that I was born with a female mind (& male body), however I am struggling to overcome 40 years of depressions with almost daily thoughts/dreams for my life to end.  As part of my attempt to heal, I reached out to a woman that I went thought high school with (only person from school that I have ever reached out or responded to).  I then spent the next hour in tears and wondering whether my mind has been damaged beyond repair.
PS.  I have a proven method of recovering from such situations - rereading my transition journal has always brought be back into the present.

[therising]

Hi Trans22

You are such an inspiration, having come so far while having suffered so much along the way (in the process of becoming true to yourself). Such an inspiration. The transition journal sounds like an incredible tool, an inspiring ongoing autobiography. If it was turned into a movie, I can imagine the audience crying at times and cheering at other times. 

I can recall having said to someone in the past something along the lines of 'Each time we evolve, a part of us dies off, the part we leave behind. As we evolve into who we are destined to be (our most natural self), we leave behind us a vapor trail of ghosts, the ghosts of who we once were'. Sometimes there is celebration to be had when we leave behind parts of our self and at other times there is an incredible sense of grief as we say goodbye in the process.

Life is a strange thing...we can face so many small deaths along the way in order to come to life. How we interpret and manage such deaths can either slow the process or speed it up. Finding all the right people to help us through our interpretations and grief and celebrations definitely becomes key.

Again, you are an inspiration ❤️

[Trans22]

I love your "an incredible sense of grief as we say goodbye in the process" - a very positive way to look at things.  I will put this into my journal in my "current thoughts" section and hope to move it into the journal proper at some point in time.

Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post.

[therising]

Hi Trans 22

While living a life in and out of periods of depression, I've often forced myself to make better sense of what these periods are about. In managing being a feeler (feeling depressing or potentially depressing circumstances), I've discovered so many different types of grief and so many emotions associated with such grief. With such self analysis, at times resembling mental torment, I've come to know myself better over time. Of course, I still don't fully know myself due to the fact we are forever evolving creatures.

I've found

• There can be the grief associated with great release and revelation. When we suddenly release so much of what we've been holding in (through tears and words), we can find we are feeling overwhelming sorrow for our self. It's a revelation, to finally see the level of sorrow we've been experiencing and suppressing. It is an act of love to gift our self great compassion at such times
• There can be the grief associated with disappointment. We can appoint the role of 'supporter' or 'guide' to people we look to for support and guidance and sometimes feel them dis-appoint themselves from such roles for one reason or another. The grief that comes with a sense of abandonment/loneliness can feel heartbreaking
• There can be the grief associated with finally laying an aspect of our self to rest, a part that has suffered so much. I've found the last goodbyes that come with such letting go can entail an uncontrollable level of sobbing
• There can be the grief that comes with the realisation that we have rarely or have never been loved in the ways we've always needed to be loved. While some may be content with a basic sense of love, others need greater degrees of love in order to feel love/loved. Personally, I love through acts of service, ways that serve to bring joy, relief, a sense of support etc. Rarely do I ever say to someone 'I love you' yet all those who know me feel deeply loved by me, based on my loving actions

We can grieve in so many different ways, too many to list. I've found all forms of grief can feel depressing until I come to understand exactly what the grief is about. I believe we do not evolve through grief itself but through the revelations that come with it.

[Trans22]

The first one definitely sounds like me.  I internalized, and possibly been ignoring, my pain for about 40 years.  In 2021, I suddenly started talking about my pain (psychiatrist) although I really only brushed around the edges, although those sessions were initiated by my employer, not me.
Since I started transitioning, I have started to really open up.  It started off with my seeing a GP with the intent to be placed on a mental health care plan.  However, I didn't act on the referrals until I blurted out "I don't belong in society" in a conversation with my partner.  Four sessions in (early November) and I still haven't fully opened up with my new psychologist and I think this is because I hadn't truly been honest about my situation to my myself.  I suppose it started as I was planning this post.  I accepted (1) the true extent and severity of my depression, (2) that I had gone down the self harm road several times, (3) I had been inviting death with numerous situations I placed myself in, and (4) that I still dream about my life ending almost every day.  It was actually the last one that led to this post - I'm loving myself and life, so why do I still dream about death.  There are signs of improvement though, because my death dreams make me cry now.  In the dreams of my "past life" I saw death as a blessing.  On Wednesday, I opened up, about the first three items above, to someone else for the first time.  I now need to be brave enough to admit my situation, particularly the situation I'm in right now, to my psychiatrist.  I wasn't brave enough during my last appointment but maybe I will be in January.

[therising]

Hi Trans22

What I love most about self development is observing the different aspects or facets of self gradually developing over time. While this month you may not be entirely courageous, next month may be so courageous you come to shock yourself a little, perhaps thanks to 'the risk taker' in you beginning to come to life more. Take a risk, be more your natural self. To be our true self can be a risky business in this world at times, that's for sure. Sometimes people would much rather we be someone else rather than our natural self. It suits them better. It can make life easier for them.

I love interpreting dreams. It's fascinating. Of course, some dreams can be largely nonsense; the kind of stuff that's comprised of half a dozen movies we may have watched over the week, all rolled into one and floating around in our subconscious. On the other hand, dreams can be very telling. Whenever someone mentions they're dreaming of death, I can't help but wonder what they're in the process of laying to rest. Not always but often it's an indication of a kind of 'phoenix' situation playing out (a rising from the ashes of the old kind of thing). While we integrate so much into our life over so many years, dis-integrating it becomes a must at times, for something new to be born from the ashes of the old. 

Sounds like you are experiencing a lot of revelations. This is a sign of an open mind. Revelations are rarely able to enter in through a closed mind. I found, wonderful people (people full of wonder) have an open mind or a mind that is in the process of opening. I imagine you are truly wonderful.

[Trans22]

I just watched "The scars of bullying ..." video on this site.  I very much relate to that person's story, although I didn't have the support like the person in the video had (probably my fault).  I've also suffered sexual assault and several years of (ex-)partner abuse, but their impact on me is insignificant when compared to the enormous amount of bullying I had to endure as a child and teenager.  It was great hear/see bullying acknowledged as trauma with long-term, life impacting consequences.