Intellectual existence

[alasdayr]

I have been living the treadmill for a while now.  I have a nice house, a stable job, a faithful wife that cares about me and our family and an adult daughter.

Following a bout of major depression, I have anhedonia (avolition, but no anergia).  I have energy to get things done that I see need doing.

Nothing makes me feel good more than momentarily.
Most pleasurable activities make me crave discomfort (or worse).
My mood is generally flat and I do not feel much in the way of emotion (happy, sad, angry, jealous, etc..).
I have nothing I want to achieve.
I have nothing that I want to do.
I have nowhere I want to go.
I have no people I want to meet.
Helping others does not make me feel good.
Achieving things seems hollow.
I have no fear of dying.
I have no fear of pain (also a very high pain tolerance).
About most things I truly do not care.

I have an entire alphabet of mental health conditions diagnosis (ASD, CPTSD, OCD, BPD, MDD, PDD).  I have had another alphabet worth of treatment (CBT, DBT, EMDR, ACT, Schema, TMS).  Some are still ongoing.

I have an upbringing of care for family and self sacrifice.  I take care of myself so I can do things for family so they remain comfortable.  Its all done by rote.  I have been taught/trained over my treatments not to self harm.  I often think about it...  These thoughts do not worry or disturb me.  I keep busy so I don't dwell on them.  My family wants and needs me.

I have been in constant mental health care over the past 4 years.  I have been in hospital numerous times.  I have been on (and am now off) antidepressants.  I regularly see psychologists and a psychiatrist.  I will ask my psychiatrist for another round of TMS next time we meet.

I have a lot to be thankful for.  I have more than a lot of people.  I am in good physical health.  I seem to avoid misfortune.
I don't feel worthy of my good fortune.



Is this as good as it gets?
 

[smallwolf]

My post was more a reflection on time ... seems that didn't come across very well. my bad.

Though I don't recall ever giving a reciprocal compliment.

The part that I am both saddened and curious about is this part:

I want to be punished for perceived mistakes.  I feel I deserve pain.

Where did this these beliefs come from? You don't need to answer these questions.

[alasdayr]

smallwolf,

Content to reply and elaborate.

"I want to be punished for perceived mistakes." - What this reflects is being responsible for ones own actions.  Consequences should be appropriate to actions.  When I mess up, I should be the one who bears the results of that mistake.  If I push too hard in exercise, I get muscle soreness.  If I make poor financial investments, I lose money.  If I feel I have made poor decisions, I must live with the consequences.

"I feel I deserve pain." - I have both deliberately and unintentionally acted on poor decisions I have made in the past.  Some of those decisions have life long consequences.  I feel I deserve the consequences, which is ....

The numbness I have been experiencing, the only thing in the past that got through was pain.  In a way I have come to treat that sensation as a signal that something exists.  Hence the craving for it.  Combine this with a high pain tolerance due to past trauma, it sometimes required effort.  I no longer use those methods.  I equate it with an ex-smoker wanting the comfort of their old habit.

Part of my journey will be finding self-forgiveness.  Others do not blame me for past mistakes.  They see that actions were taken with the best intentions.  I make others lives better by my sacrifices.

My journey to self-forgiveness will have it's ups and downs.  It will also take as long as it takes.

Alasdayr

[smallwolf]

On poor decisions and consequences... 

at the time of all (?) the poor decisions did you feel they were actually poor? You said some of these were unintentional. In my experience (or learning, and only after talking with my psychologist) that when we look back at decisions we might label as good or bad. Something about that statement "hindsight is 20/20". 

In my life I have thought that if I didn't make "this decision" things would be better now. Or if I made a different decision, things would be different. The reality is that that might not actually be the case. Perhaps in another post I will give you an example of this? 

Additionally, if I said to you that "I deserve to be punished" (and I have said similar to my psychologist previously),. what would be your reply to me?

Have I forgiven myself for my past mistakes? Not really.

Can i accept what I did? I cannot change it, so I have to. 

What I can say is that when I did talk with my psychologist, she told me (homework) to read a book (Mistakes That Worked: 40 Familiar Inventions & How They Came to Be), and the contents should be obvious. It's a kids book, but still OK for an adult to read as well. She wanted me to read the book to show that mistakes are an opportunity for learning and they are not the end of the world. 

[smallwolf]

Hi. Just checking in with you. Hope you are OK

[alasdayr]

Thanks smallwolf for checking in.

Was meaning to reply earlier, but somehow it never happened.

Today was not a good day.  Just wanted to disappear.  Eventually convinced myself to go for a walk.  My walk is more a substitute for a run, but low impact.  However, I did get out in sunlight.

Still crave discomfort.  Not eating much, but the emotional dysphoria around it seems to have dissipated.  Doing as much as I can for family as they need me.

Tried watching a movie yesterday.  One of a style I used to enjoy.   Yesterday, not so much.

The emotions that TMS evoked seem to be sliding back into the background.  Not trying to suppress them, just seem to be less forthcoming.  Maybe I am just not noticing them as much when at home and having life and demands continue.

Not checking out.  Even though I think about it often.   Some days it is tempting but I will continue to not act.

What would I say to someone who expresses desire for punishment?  "Why? How much? How long for? When is enough, enough? Will it absolve you of your perceived mis-deeds?  How can it help you or others?"

Anyway, must sleep.  More things to do tomorrow.

Alasdayr

[smallwolf]

firstly. sorry about the delay in replying and I thought I had did reply. 

On walking... that is a good thing and once I read somewhere that it's better than running. Mind you the Internet says lots of things these days. It's been raining where I am in the last days so been staying inside.

I had appointments with my psychiatrist and psychologist last week. And quickly, with the psychiatrist it started informal and then got to a place towards the end in which we were talking about my self-worth. This topic came up with my psychologist. And it's interesting how we might be able to be giving and forgiving towards others and not ourselves. Somehow we get stuck in a pattern with be self-critical and blaming ourselves when things don't work out how we expected, or not performing at a level we somehow set for ourselves. (But this is more me than you?)

Yet it goes to the question you wrote in your last reply and will ask you ...

Will it absolve you of your perceived mis-deeds?

(And if were were able to the see the things from our past in a different light, what would that mean?)

[alasdayr]

smallwolf,  I value our conversation.

I do relate with being much easier to forgive others than myself, and also expecting to operate at unrealistic standards.  ("Unrelenting standards" is one of my Schema modes).

I met with my psychologist last week and he highlighted something that resonated with me.  We talk a lot in terms of schema therapy and schema modes.  One mode that I tend to operate in is an "overcontroller" mode.  There is a specific one that directs anger towards the self, often due to an upbringing where anger was discouraged.  It stems from a belief that, through self sacrifice, I can improve and feel better.  This ties in also with my quiet BPD (fear of abandonment).  If I please people, even at my own expense, they will not reject me.

So can I be absolved of my past mistakes?  Most yes, some no.  The ones I cannot be absolved of, can I find a way to live with them?  Probably.

How do I get out of being governed by the "overcontroller" mode?  That's the real solution.  It's unlearning a lifetime of a way of living.  Some habits may be too deeply ingrained to be unlearned (like trying to change a native accent).

My daughter gave me some interesting advice from her therapy.  Don't expect rational solutions to irrational problems to work.  Some things that make her feel better seem quirky and bizarre, but only by trying them did she find things that work.  She has regular psychology sessions for a myriad of mental conditions (so much so, she has qualified for a DPS and NDIS.  She will likely never be able to sustain gainful employment).

I find, with my fear of abandonment, that I keep most people at arms length.  If I don't grow attached, then it's alright if they leave.  I lower my expectations of my impression on others.  I anticipate being ignored, omitted or forgotten.

At times I feel I am fighting a perfect storm.  ASD, OCD, BPD (quiet) and now Depression.  I built what looks like a successful life with the first 3 by using each of their strengths to cover the others weaknesses.  Depression has now rocked the foundations.

Some days recently I have felt some hope.  Just fleetingly.  Maybe more day will bring more.  Still looking.

Alasdayr

[smallwolf]

Unlearning a lifetime of a way of living.... I hear you. I am the same. I am in the 50+ age bracket. In my home I feel that feelings that were not related to joy were not allowed - not anger, not sadness etc. I have an angry or vulnerable inner child (schema therapy talk). We do (psychologist and I) exercises and from that have homework to do each time I get into that situation, have that thought or whatever. As you would know, it does not erase what happened, but hopefully and moving forward we can look at ourselves in a different light.

A little smile when you mentioned hope at the end of your post. Hopefully there will be more of those moments for you...

[alasdayr]

Been a little while since posting.

No more recent glimmers of hope.  Still looking.

Work has been getting busier.  I have been finding it hard to keep going.  The main reason that I can identify is that I really don't care about the work.  It is challenging and requires a combination skillset that is seldom found in the market, and consequently well rewarded financially, but it does not interest me like it used to.  I find it hard to re-charge after one day to go on with the next.

I find I am ruminating more about old self damaging habits.  I know it is not a solution, and stop myself before acting, but it feels so tempting at times.  It must be like an ex-smoker craving cigarettes.

I am still struggling with eating.  I feel overweight even though, objectively, I am not (BMI is now in the normal range).  I am not yet at the weight I was before years of antidepressants, so I don't think I am in danger.  I have a need for control, when so much is outside of my control, that I control eating and exercise.

Would like a "happy" emotion sometime.  Seems so long ago since the last time that I often wonder if I could ever get there again.  I recognise, fleetingly, displeasure.  It's recently, mainly, been associated with dealing with incompatible personalities in my occupation.

Tomorrow is another day.  The search continues.

Alasdayr

[smallwolf]

I am curious about this unique skillset you have. But please do not feel that you have to tell me. It is sad to hear things are not looking up for you at the moment and that a moment of happiness seems elusive. 

Can you tell me whether after you complete some task, do you allows a little celebration? That is something to the acknowledge you did well. 

Some have said my combination in unique - CS, theology and counselling study. Different reasons for the last 2 but I am going back to the CS space at least as tutoring and mentoring. And code wise, I am writing my 1st app after 6 or 7 years. It is just a word finder type app, but will only use positive words so it can help me with my mental health ups and downs. 

And to bring this full circle, and in relation to your comments about incompatible personalities someone once said to me -

there are a lot of idiots in the world, and you will just have to learn to live with them. 

or words to that effect.