Intellectual existence

[alasdayr]

I have been living the treadmill for a while now.  I have a nice house, a stable job, a faithful wife that cares about me and our family and an adult daughter.

Following a bout of major depression, I have anhedonia (avolition, but no anergia).  I have energy to get things done that I see need doing.

Nothing makes me feel good more than momentarily.
Most pleasurable activities make me crave discomfort (or worse).
My mood is generally flat and I do not feel much in the way of emotion (happy, sad, angry, jealous, etc..).
I have nothing I want to achieve.
I have nothing that I want to do.
I have nowhere I want to go.
I have no people I want to meet.
Helping others does not make me feel good.
Achieving things seems hollow.
I have no fear of dying.
I have no fear of pain (also a very high pain tolerance).
About most things I truly do not care.

I have an entire alphabet of mental health conditions diagnosis (ASD, CPTSD, OCD, BPD, MDD, PDD).  I have had another alphabet worth of treatment (CBT, DBT, EMDR, ACT, Schema, TMS).  Some are still ongoing.

I have an upbringing of care for family and self sacrifice.  I take care of myself so I can do things for family so they remain comfortable.  Its all done by rote.  I have been taught/trained over my treatments not to self harm.  I often think about it...  These thoughts do not worry or disturb me.  I keep busy so I don't dwell on them.  My family wants and needs me.

I have been in constant mental health care over the past 4 years.  I have been in hospital numerous times.  I have been on (and am now off) antidepressants.  I regularly see psychologists and a psychiatrist.  I will ask my psychiatrist for another round of TMS next time we meet.

I have a lot to be thankful for.  I have more than a lot of people.  I am in good physical health.  I seem to avoid misfortune.
I don't feel worthy of my good fortune.



Is this as good as it gets?
 

[alasdayr]

smallwolf,  In a lot of ways I cannot thank you enough.

Your and my stories feel very similar.  Happy household when growing up, anger discouraged, sadness all but ignored.  Looking back I feel I understand why this happened.  It seemed to be a combination of my parents upbringing, education and personalities, and my personality, undiagnosed condition(s) and capabilities.  My family did the best for me that they knew how to do at the time.

Mum wanted most to be there for my sister and me.  She was very intelligent and could have had any career she wanted.  She chose to work on raising the best family she could.  The value of family was indelibly stamped on my psyche, remains to this day and is likely the only reason I am still alive.

Mum passed away earlier this year and I feel I could barely mourn for her. 

Getting back to my childhood, what would seem mildly unpleasant to others was in fact trauma for me.  Bright but with ASD and OCD, I was advanced through school to keep up with my intellectual demands, however I made few social connections and was frequently bullied.  For survival I learned fawning and masking.  This included consciously learning social cues (like one would learn a foreign language), emotional suppression and pain suppression.

I was fortunate enough to find, and marry, a lady that truly loves and cares for me.  Way more than I care for myself.  I was passive SI (borderline active) when I met her and she gave me a future and a family to continue on with.

I used my intellect to build a successful career in areas that appreciate my strengths.  This also provided a good income to help make life comfortable for my family.

I was able to cover over the hurtful pieces of my past with comfort and gratitude for the life I had built.

However, a good building, with bad foundations, collapes in a strong enough storm.

My veneer of self-esteem has now long since crumbled away. I managed, while falling, to find a way to brace myself so I could continue to support others. I long to let go, but I can't. So much time and effort has gone into trying to save me, to restore me. I cannot see how I am worth the trouble.

I keep telling myself, for family I can keep trying and endure anything. They want me and need me. So I remain.

Alasdayr

[alasdayr]

therising,

Thank you so much for listening and replying.

I will answer your post in more detail shortly. It has many great points that I feel I need to comment on.

I agree that I will have a lot of experience on the other side of this journey. I will work to continue to share and support others with what has been learned. This thread is part of that share and support others commitment.

I will have more later on the business of self development.

Alasdayr

[smallwolf]

I won't describe what happened in my childhood - mostly irrelevant. Except to say that it was also controlling. Dad could be described as a passionate Christian and many the beliefs that went with that. I felt different. But as you said, you find ways to hide your feelings, beliefs etc. 

Not sure if I told you this, but I use the story of my soul as being protected by a shield. Each time something strikes at you, the shield gets fractured (slightly). Little people go out and fix the shield but it is never as strong as it was originally. As time goes by, more hits and so more fixes. The structure of the shield is always weakening. Until one day, something happens and that thing (in my case, the content of an email) goes through the shield and creates havoc. This was about 5 or 6 years ago now. 

Those things hitting the shield were things like dealing with angry customers (I was called when all other avenues of support did not work!), or someone telling me "nobody care what you have to say", etc. For me, knowing what the problems were or are also give me a chance to work out how to "fix it". 

This is why you are worth it... your wife saw and sees something in you that is worth cherishing - even if you might not see it. And if not family, then your intellect makes you worth it - it sounds like you were able to make things work, or solve problems where others could not? (I understand it can be hard to rebuild a sense of self-worth. I am also familar with sayings like "you can move a mountain a pebble at a time:")

[alasdayr]

smallwolf, Thank you again.  Please do not underestimate the appreciation I have for you persisting with me.

I feel I am slowly progressing.  The TMS seems to be contributing to this progress.  I have been advised to have a course of maintenance TMS in 3 months even if I feel OK as regression at times is likely.

Progress is feeling something, anything.  Yet to feel "happy", but logically, that will come.

It seems my "shield" was barely holding at the beginning of 2020 and gave way entirely during the lockdowns.  The "shield" a good analogy.  Still trying to work out how to rebuild it.

Was musing this morning that it may take a combination of all the methods and treatments I have been through so far to find my way out of this mental maze and emotional void.  All together, not separately in sequence.  TMS, EMDR, DBT, ACT, CBT and Schema.

One thing I know that does not work for me, now, is medication.  It was required when at the worst in my crisis.  It likely kept me alive.  However, it is now more a hinderance than a help.  I must stress that this is just for me.

I am re-learning how to cope with low moods that evoke self-effacing desires.  It's a hard road.  DBT TIPP skills help a lot.  Weaning myself of "safe" discomfort will take some time.  DBT opposite action is hard to enact during those times.

 I try to convince myself I am worth all the effort put into me.  One day I may believe it.  Till then I will keep working as though it's true.

Thank you to smallwolf, the other contributors here at Beyond Blue, my friends and family for believing in me.  My fervent hope is that one day I prove all your beliefs well founded.

Alsadayr

[smallwolf]

the things (tools) which my psychologist has used with me include ACT, DBT, CBT, and lastly Schema. With the exception of schema therapy I don't really think the method is that critical but...  It does lead me to something which I have posted here (on the forums before) and relates to rebuilding your shield and what you said in the last 2 paragraphs. It's the story of a sheep in a paddock and goes like this ...

a sheep would roam in a paddock each day, and eating the grass. At the end of the day, the owner would call the sheep to come to the gate and to get under cover and shelter for the night. To get from one end of the paddock to the other, the sheep would take this long and windy path. One day, the sheep recognized that it could get to the gate via a more direct route. Running from where it was to the gate, the sheep went over rough ground, hit rocks and tripped over branches. It may have been a little faster but the "pain" the sheep went through made it question the worth of the new route. The next day, the sheep decided to go back to the old and much longer path - it was much a smoother path and therefore easier to traverse. But when the sheep reached the gate at the other end of the paddock, it realized the other path was much shorter. As the days went by, the sheep would alternate between the new and the old path. Each time the new path was used, rocks and branches would occasionally get kicked to the sides of a new track that was forming. The less the old path was used, it was becoming slightly overgrown, and occasionally rocks and other materials would make the journey less enjoyable. The happened until one day, the sheep realized the struggle in using the old path and the time it took - well, decided at that point to just use the new path. At this point in time, the new path was fairly smooth, and there were very obstacles to get in the way. Fairly quickly the new path was as good as the old path was...

You have probably worked this out already, this story is about pathways in our brain. It is also about the difficulty in changing the way the act towards something (and that is OK). It is OK to flip/flop between old and new ways, recognizing the struggle each day. It refers to feeling stuck or confined in a certain situation or mindset, unable to break free or make progress.

There will come a time, when that new path is the way you go. Maybe this will be when you recognize you have worth, or feel OK about the future. Listening ...

[alasdayr]

smallwolf,

I like the analogy.

I am likely at an ant stage though.

Ants when finding water or food in an unknown environment send out workers.  The workers wander around almost randomly laying down a trail hoping to bump into a resource.   If/when they find it they follow the trail back home and signal other ants to follow its trail.  As more and more ants follow the initial ants meandering trail, laying down their own trail, the path gets stronger and stronger.  Occasionally one ant finds a shorter route to the original trail and lays a better path for others to follow.

I feel I am bumping around, searching.  Through dumb luck and persistence I will find a path (I hope).  It will be a convoluted path, but a path.  Then over time I can work on strengthening and streamlining it.

Home from inpatient TMS now.  Wrote a mental health first aid cheat sheet in case I have a crisis like I did while inpatient.  Still occasional episodes of emotional dysphoria (random, unlinked emotions).  I view this as an improvement on the months of "nothing".

Thank you for listening.  I am listening too.  I still have much to learn.

Alasdayr

[smallwolf]

Ants are OK. Perhaps smarter than a sheep even?

I was chatting with my psychologist in session a while ago - a couple of years ago. I wanted to know how long would it take to get better. Is it is 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle? Or like a maze you might encounter in an RPG (which changed to a rabbit warren later on) where you had to find a key to get through the 2nd part of the maze. I was told to go home and think about it - after all, it was also near the end of the session.

And I thought about it...

Next session, it started where the previous session ended. My reply was along the lines ... what if it was not a 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle (but larger), or there was a lost piece. What if in wandering through the maze, I keep hitting dead-ends. This was the point - there was/is no real way of knowing the answer the question. Except that (hopefully) we will make it to the other side (or complete the puzzle). Only by doing, will i find the answer. 

The part that made that palatable was a short story about going up a mountain.... on that journey to the end or top of the mountain, sometimes we will go down into a valley. The valley will come to an end at some point, and start rising again. And in the going down and coming up, you find an alternate path that makes the journey a little easier.  When you go down into the valley, we are not as low as when the journey started. I added to this, that I cannot see the peak of the mountain - this enabled me to acknowledge there may be times when I am down, but not defeated. Which (in reading this now) is hopeful. 

[alasdayr]

smallwolf,

The length of my journey will be as long as it takes.  I am guided by a combination of what others have had work and my intellectual understanding of what I believe constitutes the working of a healthy mind.  My understanding is based on books, therapies, studies, published medical articles and more.

In most endeavors in life, progress has never been linear.  In my past, when striving for goals in work, sport or health, there have been ups and downs. As long as effort is being applied in the rough direction of the goal desired, progress as always eventually realised.  Often I could not perceive the progress till AFTER it had been obtained.  Only by looking back at recorded history could I see how far I'd come.  I'm sure my mental health will be the same.

Where I am now is different to before TMS.  Yesterday bought episodes of emotional dysphoria mostly around food.  Was with family at a restaurant and was fighting tears while dining.  My wife and daughter noticed and offered support (I have amazing family).  The food was excellent, but I think my body dysmorphia was playing havoc and using every tool available to make me upset.

Still searching for happiness.  I am grateful for a lot of things.  I am fortunate.  Building self esteem seems to be the challenge though.

Better end this post here as my thought are getting all confused now.  I can identify the CBT thinking errors and challenge them, but I'm going in circles.  I seem to be craving "discomfort", but I will not give in.

Thank you for listening.

Alasdayr

[smallwolf]

You said:

Building self esteem seems to be the challenge though.

This would sounds like a cliche, but things that are worthwhile take time.  I probably mentioned this to you previously, but I was good as dismissing a compliment. I can still be dismissive but today it's easier for me to accept. It took me more than 1 year to work on this part. This is separate to any other issues I was facing. And perhaps the other thing to note here is that dismissing compliments was something I did for much if not all my life. So at 50+ it is not a change that will happen over night. 

And so we keep moving forward

[alasdayr]

smallwolf,

There seems to be a number of stages in learning to accept a compliment.
- Rejecting, or downplaying the compliment. (cannot believe the comment is warranted)
- Always delivering a reciprocal compliment. (they must want something in return)
- Graciously, verbally accepting the compliment, but internally rejecting it. (learned social politeness)
- Graciously, verbally accepting the compliment, but internally questioning it.
- Graciously, verbally accepting the compliment, and internally accepting it.

When receiving compliments I am at the first of the social politeness responses.  It's a masking response.  Actions correlate with external expectations, not internal thinking and beliefs.

To fight my internal criticism I look for external measures to prove, or disprove, my perceptions.  It's a CBT type of response.  Identifying flawed thinking, then challenging it.  By slowly adjusting my perceptions, hopefully this will have a flow on effect to adjust my feelings.  The hoped downstream effect from this is increased self-worth.

Low self-worth, means I expect little.  I want to be punished for perceived mistakes.  I feel I deserve pain.  I am already too fortunate.

This leads to my next challenge of finding hope.   Hope seems to derive from a belief you can earn, or be rewarded, with the realization of a desire.  Be it health, happiness, freedom from circumstance, etc... Low self-worth suppresses desire.

The way I see it for me is that self-worth will come first.  Happiness or desire will come second.  Hope will come third.

Alasdayr