Intellectual existence

[alasdayr]

I have been living the treadmill for a while now.  I have a nice house, a stable job, a faithful wife that cares about me and our family and an adult daughter.

Following a bout of major depression, I have anhedonia (avolition, but no anergia).  I have energy to get things done that I see need doing.

Nothing makes me feel good more than momentarily.
Most pleasurable activities make me crave discomfort (or worse).
My mood is generally flat and I do not feel much in the way of emotion (happy, sad, angry, jealous, etc..).
I have nothing I want to achieve.
I have nothing that I want to do.
I have nowhere I want to go.
I have no people I want to meet.
Helping others does not make me feel good.
Achieving things seems hollow.
I have no fear of dying.
I have no fear of pain (also a very high pain tolerance).
About most things I truly do not care.

I have an entire alphabet of mental health conditions diagnosis (ASD, CPTSD, OCD, BPD, MDD, PDD).  I have had another alphabet worth of treatment (CBT, DBT, EMDR, ACT, Schema, TMS).  Some are still ongoing.

I have an upbringing of care for family and self sacrifice.  I take care of myself so I can do things for family so they remain comfortable.  Its all done by rote.  I have been taught/trained over my treatments not to self harm.  I often think about it...  These thoughts do not worry or disturb me.  I keep busy so I don't dwell on them.  My family wants and needs me.

I have been in constant mental health care over the past 4 years.  I have been in hospital numerous times.  I have been on (and am now off) antidepressants.  I regularly see psychologists and a psychiatrist.  I will ask my psychiatrist for another round of TMS next time we meet.

I have a lot to be thankful for.  I have more than a lot of people.  I am in good physical health.  I seem to avoid misfortune.
I don't feel worthy of my good fortune.



Is this as good as it gets?
 

[alasdayr]

therising,

There is a lot of truth in what you say.  Melbourne lockdowns forced a lot to suppress many things.  Myself included.  I was already on tenuous mental health ground before 2020.  The  lockdowns, in combination with personal circumstance, was a disastrous combination for me.

It is nice to have a group of supportive people. I am heartened by the amount of interest and response my topic has generated.  I did not expect it.

My TMS seems to be helping.  I persist in trying to connect with my desires and emotions.  I am having the occasional small success.  They may be only fleeting, but that’s at least a start.  I appreciate that re-awakening my feeling, both good and bad, may be long journey.

Alasdayr

[therising]

Hi Alasdayr

I'm so glad you can sense some difference, even if it's slight to begin with. I hope your feelings begin to surprise you in inspiring ways, such as with visiting a new place you never imagined would spark such positive emotion. Sometimes I think getting a feel for things, people, places etc can be a bit of a Goldilocks experience, with a difference: No feeling, too much feeling, just right. No energy to be felt, too much energy/hyperactivity/stress, just right and so on. Would be a heck of a lot easier if people could just fast track us to meet with everything and everyone that's 'just right'. With you mentioning both the good and the bad, experiencing 2 sides of every emotional coin can be a part of the whole experience. Can be a tough one at times. To know rage and peace, joy and sadness, excitement and numbness etc offers a chance to get a feel for the entire spectrum, not just one end (the positive end).

[alasdayr]

therising,

Your post is oddly well timed for me.

This morning my thoughts are a whirlwind of contradictions.  To feel up, occasionally you need to feel down.  Or at least feel something.  If you feel hopelessness, then it’s possible to feel hope again.

Maybe something in me is starting to wake up.  Like the gentle sensation pins and needles when circulation is restored to a numb limb.  My emotional feelings are chaotic this morning, but I can sense them.  The thoughts they are evoking are distorted and littered with cognitive fallacies.

I’ll persist with my daily routines and to-do lists as acting on some of the things my thoughts are suggesting I know is wrong.

Unpleasant as it fells this morning.  I’ll attribute it to the possibility that the TMS is starting to work.  Just may now need to do the emotional equivalent of re-learning how to walk.

This post likely makes no sense.  I can hardly make sense of much this morning.  Likely I’ll re-read it later and try clarify it’s intent (if that is even possible).

Confusidly,

Alasdar

[smallwolf]

sometimes things do not have to make sense to anyone but the writer.

but in this case, I (think) understand what you are getting it... things are seeming to click together? And this is hopefully a good thing.

I once mentioned to my psychologist something I saw on YouTube - it was somebody demonstrating a guitar exercise which was a spider related exercise. Part way through the video the person showing how to do it, said that it might not click straight away, but give it a week, or a month, or longer, then it will click and become easier.

It is that Aha, or that lightbulb moment where you are able to make sense of things. 

You'll get there. Listening to you tell your story...

[alasdayr]

smallwolf, Thank you.

Somehow your last 6 words "Listening to you tell your story..." had me fall apart.  Took a while for me to compose myself to respond.

I think TMS is definitely waking something up.  This morning I went into a state of what I best describe as emotional "soft lock".  "Soft lock" is a computer term when a program continues running, but no progress is possible.  My irrational, emotive, thoughts craving physical relief from emotional distress got blocked by rational mind preventing action on the emotional impulses.  Could not call for help, could barely move, found a quiet corner to ride it out.  Thank goodness I am doing TMS inpatient instead of outpatient.

I re-read my previous post.  It still makes sense to me.  I did my best at the time to keep only moderator friendly thoughts included.  There was a lot going on I could not post (for obvious reasons). 

Hopefully the record of my journey helps others.  I'll do my best to keep this thread updated.

Thank you again for listening.

Alasdayr

[therising]

Hi Alasdar

Your post makes complete sense. Sounds like you're making significant progress. I wish it came with a greater sense of ease.

I've discovered for myself there are what seems to be 2 languages in my life. One is related to thinking and the other's related to feeling. While thinking involves logic, calculation or mental processing, beliefs etc, feeling is a whole other language. Someone once described feeling as a 'body language' of sorts. To offer an example, one could say 'I think I'm becoming depressed, based on all my symptoms. Those symptoms add up to depression'. So, that's a calculation reached through mental processing and pure logic. On the other hand, they could say 'I feel myself becoming depressed. I cannot feel any energy in motion (emotion) within myself, I cannot feel what joy feels like, I can't even feel inspiration and the excitement that comes with that. All I can feel  within myself (my emotional body) is what's depressing'.

Then there are times where the 2 languages produce conflict. We could say 'I believe (think) I deeply love my partner but every time I'm around them I feel down'. Perhaps the challenge here is to better define 'love', change our belief (thinking) about it and what it really means to us. We could believe we love the person who we do nothing but sit on the couch with, while watching television. A whole new belief could be 'Love is found in evolution. I can't feel myself or my relationship with my partner evolving and that is why I feel down. They refuse to get off the couch because this is the kind of life that suits them'. Definitely a depressing relationship with a lack of love. Feelings can be so telling, while forcing us to better explore our beliefs.

When feelings come back online, there can definitely be a bit of conflict because they may not match our outdated thinking/beliefs, the ways of thinking or beliefs that no longer serve us. Sometimes coming back to life is like waking up to find our self in an F4 tornado of mixed thoughts and feelings. Can definitely becoming overwhelming before things begin to settle and make more sense.

[smallwolf]

Thank you for sharing your deeply personal experience with me. I appreciate your vulnerability and openness in describing the powerful emotions and inner turmoil you've been going through as part of your TMS treatment.

In my old life I was a developers and had to look up what you meant by soft-lock. And I read then is something I have experienced in gamiing. I can only imagine how distressing and overwhelming that internal conflict must have felt. It's a testament to your strength that you were able to ride it out.

Your willingness to share the rawness of your journey, even the parts you couldn't post for understandable reasons, is incredibly brave and may indeed help others going through similar experiences feel less alone. Witnessing someone else's authenticity in opening up about their struggles can be powerfully validating.

Please know that I'm here to listen without judgment as you continue navigating this journey. Taking that courageous step to heal longstanding emotional pain is an act of profound self-compassion. My thoughts are with you. Still listening...

[alasdayr]

Thank you again smallwolf.  Your encouragement help gives me strength to continue. 

As emotions are waking up, I am finding it a continual struggle to try not to bury them or  revert to old coping habits.  It’s like I am having to learn all over again.

All I am getting at the moment is emotional turmoil.  Moments of happiness may eventually eventually show up, but they don’t feel anywhere close at the moment.

I am craving “physical discomfort or worse”.  These are the old habits I’m trying to avoid.  I rely the knowledge my family wants and needs me as well as the support from my family to get me through. I’ve let the nursing staff of the facility I am inpatient in know how I am feeling and they regularly check up on me to ensure my safety.

It’s hard to find emotional release.  Anger was discouraged for me as a child, and the few times I have experienced it as an adult it’s been ice cold, very targeted and very destructive.  Expressions of sadness were also discouraged in my youth and bought unwanted, harmful, attention.  What I resorted to was detachment or distraction.  This is more bury than release.  So the search for a “safe” emotional outlet continues.

I often feel unworthy of all this attention.  I feel I am a burden, I’m too much trouble, my use is done, I’m expendable.  I am assured, it time, these feelings will pass.  I’ll trust in others as I don’t trust myself.  Or at least my feelings.

This is not a journey to be taken alone.

I’ll continue to post.  In a way it’s a sort of a journal.  With luck it will lead somewhere.

Alasdayr

[smallwolf]

Some of your past sounds like mine ... in speaking with my psychologist I have described myself as living in a happy household - like you, anger was discouraged, sadness was ignored (?). Showing emotion was "not allowed" unless it was happy.  In my case, I would used music as a release. I would find solace and connection in heavy metal. In sessions with the psychologist we would use schema therapy/role play how it occurred, and how I wished it played out. Enough about me!

on feeling unworthy for the attention ... I wonder if that is related to your past? If you could not feel angry or sad or experience other difficult emotions, it might stem from (others?)  suppressing or invalidating your own feelings over time. When own needs, desires and hurt are minimised, it can lead to a diminished sense of self-worth in the present.

But you are worthy. It may take time. One day at a time. And each day you have a chance to rewrite part of your story. Listening ...

[therising]

Hi smallwolf and Alasdayr

smallwolf, I can relate to what you mention when it comes to how suppressing emotions can lead to a diminished sense of self worth. It wasn't until I began to work with anger and sadness in really constructive ways that my self esteem began to rise. I think it becomes about self validation, while not necessarily looking for validation from others. 'I'm allowed to feel some sense of anger in this situation, no matter what anyone says' or 'I'm allowed to feel a sense of sadness in regard to this challenge I face, no matter what anyone says. I'm allowed to feel sorry (sorrow) for myself in this case'. Exploring what that anger is really about, which we've given our self permission to feel, is what can help in not reaching a rage filled pressure cooker situation. Exploring what that deep sorrow is about, sadness or sorrow we give our self permission to wholeheartedly experience, can help us make better sense of why we may be heading into a depression. With decades of exercising emotional suppression, what's not being exercised is investigation and management.

Emotional understanding and management can be a tough business, that's for sure. Sometimes it proves to be a full time business, such as with managing in full care, with assistance. Sometimes it's a part time business, where we need to spend part of our time managing through counseling and/or certain practices. And sometimes it's a rather casual kind of business, where it only needs managing on the odd occasion. I think we should never judge our self harshly for the amount of time or the amount of assistance we need in the business of coming to know our self better. Sometimes it can be seriously intense hard work. When we're working with life changing mind altering stuff (in one way or another), doesn't get much harder than that. I suppose you could say it's about strategically developing the business or officially 'being in the business of self development'.

Alasdayr, with the experience of working so incredibly hard at this time in your life, when you come to find yourself much further along your path in the future you'll be able to say to a newcomer in the way of self development 'Welcome to the business'. I imagine you'll be a great manager and guide when it comes to helping others manage, based on your own experience. While some guides come out of uni, with a basic textbook understanding (certain psychologists, counselors etc), others graduate bit by bit through the school of hard knocks. Both have gained their 'Masters' status yet in different ways. Have faith in yourself that you will come to master this challenge with time, new found knowledge and experience.