I want to ask for help

[____]

For a while, I've been struggling with depression and anxiety and while my parents do know that I was having suicidal thoughts, they think I'm better now, however it'has gotten worse. I kind of want to get help as I'm sick of living like this, but I don't know how to get help. I do not want to talk to my parents as they're awful people and I just want to get away with them. My school's welfare guy and counsellors aren't that helpful and I don't trust them. Unfortunately, the only person I would talk to is a drama teacher who isn't actually my teacher anymore, but I seriously can't imagine that conversation going well. I do have a sister who I'm kind of close to but I can't be around her because (bear with me) she is everything I'm not and I feel worthless around her. Is there a way I can get help without my family getting involved?

[hellohi]

Hi Croix,

I really hope that life changes one day. But I also wish that one day I won't wake up. I am sick of my life, to be honest.

I don't know if I am deserving or whether I have a place in this world.

I hope you and your family are doing well.

Warm wishes,

Neerja

[Guest_1643]

Hi Neerja, How is 12 angry men going? I'd like to borrow it from the library and have a read myself!

I found this article online about body image as I was thinking about some of the things you and April have been writing https://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/health-and-wellness/don-t-tell-me-to-love-my-body-20180312-p4z3xi.html

Sorry in advance if you don't like it - and i hope it's okay to post here. I liked it because I related to her feelings, and I admired how she writes openly about body image. She's a great australian writer.

Hope you're warm and happy

[Guest_1643]

Hi April,

how are you doing over the holidays? I think that's amazing that you can catch up on some sleep -

I liked your idea of having music to keep the suicidal thoughts at bay. Sometimes in very intense silent moments (ie during yoga) i struggle with the thoughts more, also. It's a great idea to have a small distraction. Will you do some art over the holidays, or be going on walks? is it very cold where you are?

I hope you have a good first week of holidays.... so happy you get a break from school and can have a bit more freedom 🙂

[____]

Hey Neerja,

Firstly, thank you so much for the link. I've made one and emailed it to myself.

Our school is not very strict. We were going to have the test yesterday but our teacher gave us an extra two weeks to study which I am very glad about. I won't study every day but I don't really want to forget about it then just non-stop study for two days so I think I might do it just a few times a week.

You don't have to be good at painting to enjoy it. I don't think art is about being good, it's about expressing yourself, kind of like what you said. Could you ty something like meditation or yoga? You could try singing or just dancing to music. Do you enjoy reading?

While it sucks that you didn't want to open up to the counsellor, I'm glad you can still tlk to me and other people on beyond blue about it. I find I'm able to talk to them about suicidal thoughts as I know they're not going to do anything as long as I'm not in immediate danger. The most they've done is ask if I want an ambulance because I was telling them about how it wouldn't matter if I died now or in 70 years because we're all going to die and it won't matter in the long run.

Are you able to sleep okay or are you just tired for no reason? For headaches, I like to sit in my room and just close my eyes and breathe. Sometimes, the nothingness clears my mind and helps with the headache, other times it makes my suicidal thoughts worse. Just try to take it easy.

I spent most of my day making a cake that turned out looking like it was made by a ten year old. It didn't taste awful though, so I think it was okay. I often get irrationally angry at the stupidest things. My laptop clicker thing messed up and I ended up hitting my laptop as hard as I could and crying. I feel like a toddler having tantrums over not getting a kinder surprise.

How are you doing today? I hope your thoughts have dulled a bit, and maybe you feel okay about waking up. Often I wish I didn't have to wake up, but knowing I'll see your reply if I do helps me.

I am very glad me being your friend makes you consider yourself lucky, and I sincerely hope I have been helpful.

Thank you for your replies, they are all very helpful.

April

[Croix]

Dear Neerja~

Do you have the website version of BeyondNow or do your parents allow it on your phone? Having to use a laptop so limits things. Some parental input is ok, even good, but so is trust and confidence a person will be sensible. Thank you for pointing it out to April.

Having a place in the world changes, nobody has just one place. I was a schoolkid, policeman, uni teacher and now talk to others on the Forum. Each had down times and I've wondered.

Your place ATM is in part as a helper here, plus also a person that has to work against all the harmful rubbish society throws at you, plus trying to cope with parents who were brought up themselves in a world where trust and confidence were lacking.

That SMH link of yours says in part:

”If you’re even a tiny bit of a critical person, there are always things that are wrong with everything. We have this notion of love that is connected to perfectionism – the image that we should be in bliss all the time is so strong in our culture.”

It is a good article and is talking about more than bodies.

I said before I did not kow what you looked like on the outside, I’m seeing more and more of what is on the inside, and it is lovely.

One day a person at school or later will not get up from you and go to another crowd. They will consistently stay. I doubt very much if you will be concerned about their looks. I'm not talking romance even, just friendship

Maybe the reason you wonder about deserving to be here is because you do have to battle against thoughtless acquaintances, false body images everywhere and needing to cope and sometimes circumvent untrusting parents. They are things sensible people do, it is just you are dong it alone (except for here). Alone does not make you less deserving. In your way you help enrich the world.

I dunno if this makes any sense, if not please tell me.

Sumo is on the floor, on one side of a door wedged a little bit open, with Foxy Dog on the other side. Foxy is not very trustworthy with cats and Sumo is curious.

(Both like walruses:)

Croix

[Croix]

Dear April~

I've been OK, though isolation gets to me, I've only a couple of freinds and have not been able to see them, Zoom is not the same. We thought of having a Zoom dinner party, but it never went ahead, dunno why.

You are right about cats. Sumo Cat is the only one at the moment and is so layed back sometimes one can't make the bed as he has not got up (this is lunchtime I'm talking). Others, like Nasty Cat would sit on the electric heater in the kitchen and pretend to be asleep, then slash out at anything that came in range (Zeppelin Dog and Foxy Dog had great respect for her and would walk the long-way round.

Maybe your cat was just checking up on you, and went away as soon as saw you were there. Is that cat always grumpy?

What to do in the holidays? The three things you have mentioned are OK are going for a walk, listening to music and art.

I like Banksy too, is your balloon one from “Flying Balloon Girl”? (Not he one with the red balloon but bunch of black ones.) I like the girl on one side of a corner and a 200 liter drum with a fire in it around the corner. I've always wondered why she did not go to the heat.

I like Eelus too.

So enter an art competition, not to win, but just as an excuse to have piles of stuff you are working on (plus playing music)

BTW what do you think of NF's Outcast? There have been times in my life it has reminded me of.

Croix

[Emmen]

Hi Neerja,

Talk about a bad Sunday! I typed out a reply to you, only to accidentally close the window and lose everything! Let me see if I can recreate my entire message from memory.

So the first thing I wanted to tell you was that being in a situation where you feel caged and lacking control in your life will distort the way you think about your life. It has nothing to do with you being dumb or stupid - it's the circumstances that are dumb and stupid. I felt ugly and flabby and doomed to fail in life during my teenage days, and on hindsight, I realised it was because the circumstances made me feel worthless. This applies to you too. It may be hard to see it now when you're in the midst of this awful situation, but you're most definitely, definitely worth so much more. Body image issues interestingly also relate to your circumstances because the lack of control over your own life, which you see as imperfect, may cause you to have standards for your body that are distorted. It did for me as well.

You're making 12 Angry Men sound really appealing - I think I'll try to get hold of a copy of that book! Do you generally prefer reading or watching movies?

Spending your day in the art room to get a break sounds like a great idea! Everyone needs some time to themselves where they can get a breather. I'm glad you've come up with this plan!

Hope your weekends went well 🙂

Cheers,
M

[____]

Hey Croix,

Isolation is such a struggle for so many people. I will admit it hasn't affected what I do very much as I rarely went out prior to this. Could you try and reorganize the zoom dinner? It sounds fun.

My cat is always quite grumpy. He does not like anyone in the household apart from me, most likely because I'm the one who feeds him and lets him drink from the bath. They are both very smart though, and use their intelligence for evil. Every time I go to make my bed, he hops onto it. He also has learnt that by guarding my room, he can catch me just before I sit down and get me to follow him around. He likes it when I follow him, I don't know why.

Outcast is a beautiful song. Many of his songs really resonate with me. Hate Myself, Trauma and Paralyzed are some of his other songs that I can really relate to. Going to his concert was such an amazing experience and somehow, listening to a man rap about his mental health and being able to relate to him is so helpful.

I think you may have meant to mentioned Banksy in your reply to Neerja. I believe you meant the art competition for Neerja as well as I am too much of a perfectionist to enter a competition without the goal of winning it. I am currently in an art class at my school and everyone else in it is amazing at art. I am not. They often walk past me to grab paint or a canvas and every time I have to awkwardly cover my work as much as possible.

I've realized I don't want people to tell me I'm smart or tell me I'm good at art. I want them to not lie and instead say 'you're not good at art but that's okay' because it is okay.

April

[____]

Hey Sleepy21

How are you?

I am glad to be on holidays, although all the free time has meant I've had too much time to think and today I realised I don't have a personality anymore. I don't really know what to do other than just take everything one day at a time.

It is annoyingly hot for the middle of winter. I was looking forward to wearing hoodies outside but perhaps not. This happens every year. I get excited for the cold but it never comes.

I am glad I have the freedom too, I just need to find a way to spend it!

April

[Croix]

Dear April,

You were right but Banksy has painted girl with balloons like yours, though now I've seen Hate Myself I know were they come from -I guess it is a symbolic idea more than one use. Perhaps you might like Banksy too, if you do not know of the works already.

Drinking from hte bath sounds a perilous operation for a cat if there are slippery sides, can he swim? We had a Siamese that could, though that was while ago now, only too cool off though .

The Zoom dinner did not go ahead because everyone could not cook at the same time, so we just chatted bit. Hopefully we will have real dinner soon.