I thought about it

[Guest_0932]

I thought about it today. I thought about I could kill myself. I thought I can't do this anymore. I've been doing just get through one more day for so long and then today I was like this is it. Today is the day I can't get through. I can't do it anymore. I was sitting there at work and I was shaking and I thought this is it. I can't do it anymore.

I have a new job and in the interview I told them I wasn’t familiar with their programs and required training. I didn’t get any training.   

Someone I was very close to has discarded me earlier this year and it hurts because I trusted them.  And I let this person see my heart and they didnt care, they didn't care after they said they did and I hate myself for trusting them. I don't know why I let my guard down.

And today I rang some people at work to ask a question but I didn’t get a call back even though they were talking to each other at the time. I had to sink or swim and now I am sinking.

And today I thought this it. I'm going to kill myself. I just can't anymore. I drove home and my teeth were chattering because I decided this it and this is what people feel like they have to get through one more day until they can't and then they decide and then you have to pretend so noone knows you decided and that makes it okay. You can get through the next hour because noone knows but you and you knowing means you can get through until you get to where you can do what you decided. And it brings a sense of calm but then also for me fear. I was scared because my mind wouldn't stop thinking I can do this. I can do this and it scared me and then my teeth chattered but I won't. I won't do this.

I am safe. I won't do this. But today I thought about it and I thought I could. I won't. I won't. But today was the day I thought I could. And it scared me my brain thought that.

[Sophie_M]

Hey JesAH,

Thanks for posting to the forums and sharing how you are feeling. We're really sorry you felt so distressed today that you had suical thoughts. It sounds like you're feeling very alone and without support. This is a very lonely place to be at and one where it can feel like there is no light in this world and we are on our own. Please know that there is always support available and there is always hope, even in the darkest of times.

Is there someone at your workplace that you can talk to and let them know how stressful this situation is for you, for example someone in the HR or your manager? Maybe if you could outline what your needs are and how not meeting those needs is impacting your ability to work or feel settled in, this could prompt them to create a plan to get you the training and support you need. It's unfortunate that your company didn't have a proper plan for you to begin with.

We're also sorry about the trusted person in your life not being there anymore. That sounds really hard and we can hear how it's brought up issues of mistrust and abandonment. Are you seeing a therapist or someone you can talk to about this and other stuff you're going through?

You can always reach out for help when overwhelmed and get get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467). There are trained, caring counselors who can help you unpack complex, distressing thoughts and alleviate some of the pain.

Please keep posting here to let us know how you're doing, whenever you feel up to it.

[geoff]

Hello JesAH, when someone has succumbed to any type of mental illness these thoughts occupy their minds, on and off, I'm not a doctor to say but can comment due to past experiences and those that we thought we could trust unfortunately turn out to be a disappointment and offer no real support, which turns our thoughts only to ourselves, unless it's a loss of something we dearly love, like a pet.

When we apply for a job with great qualifications/knowledge, it's presumed that because of this there is no need to be shown the systems of the job, expecting us to pick them up along the way but if you're struggling mentally then this only makes it more difficult.

We can have these thoughts as you have mentioned but fortunately, something else takes our mind away which will distract us away from these thoughts, which is always good because it weakens these thoughts and when you are frightened of doing it, that's even better.

It will enable us to know that we do need help and no excuse is strong enough to stop this from happening, you need to look after yourself, that's a priority.

Take care.

Geoff.

[Guest_0932]

Thank you. It hasn't been a good time. I do have a therapist but I didn't want her to know I was thinking this. I'm safe and I just really scared myself yesterday. Thank you for taking time to read and reply. I will be okay.

[Guest_0932]

Thank you Geoff. Yesterday was hard but I will be okay. Thank you for taking time to reply.

[therising]

Hi JesAH

My heart goes out to you as you struggle with such overwhelming feelings. I believe, unless a person's been there, in the depths of despair and overwhelming pain, they just don't know what it's like, how it feels. From my own experience, there's nothing like it. It can feel so incredibly lonely. I'm so glad you came here to make a connection, whether it's to vent or make better sense of everything.

I've found, waking up to the complete insanity of those around us to be deeply challenging. Typically, it can go in one of two ways. First, you can simply think 'Just about everyone around me is insane' or you can begin to question your own sanity and your own abilities or lack of them. That second option can become incredibly depressing, when you're focusing on what you imagine to be your own faults.

Personally, I think you're a legend. Being a 'Play it safe' sort of gal, I'd be going for a job I'm familiar with. Takes a lot to put yourself out there in the way of growth through a job. So, here you announce to your employers 'Okay, I'm game. I can do this job as long as you train me to do it'. Their response, 'Sure'. You get the job and then you find out your employer's insane: 'Let's give this person the job and never train them in how to manage it'. What the...?! Will take it up a notch, 'Not only will we not train them properly but we'll also let them sit in the stress which comes with not being trained. We'll leave them twisting in the wind'. Seriously?!!! So then you say, in so many words, 'Hey people, can you get back to me on this, I really need to know' and their response is radio silence. Is everyone there insane? There is no fault in being courageous enough to take on a job you're not familiar with.

There is also no fault in being openhearted. The fault lays with the breaker of hearts. While the most sensitive openhearted open minded people are responsible for incredible progressive changes in this world, throughout history, the insensitive closed hearted and closed minded remain irresponsible. Personally, I feel it's a bit of a rip off how sensitive people are the ones who are led to take responsibility for the insensitive.

If you met with the revelation 'I'm surrounded by insensitive insane people', how would you begin to manage them? The question 'How do I go on living (with insane people)?' becomes an understandable question, on a quest to manage your path and the folk on it.

I love openhearted people. Such people are a gift 🙂

[Guest_0932]

Therising - thank you. This resonated deeply with me. The treasured person I lost, they spoke a similar analogy about acknowledging the insanity in the people all around us and knowing how to move around it while keeping our own sanity undisturbed.

The way you have framed this for me: 'How do I go on living (with insane people)?' becomes an understandable question, on a quest to manage your path and the folk on it' sits well with me for my job situation and the personal path I am walking

Part of my quest is to learn to move around the hurt (and maybe it will fade in time, but when you love someone so purely and abundantly, an unprecedented severing wounds so deeply) and lift my eyes up to manage the path and folk on it. I hear that. Thank you. I can do another day. And then another one. And then another one.

[therising]

Hi Guest_0932

I believe, to feel so deeply can be so incredibly challenging.

While it's great to feel that sense of pride that comes with well managed tolerance, it can be intensely challenging to feel and manage that crossover from tolerance to complete intolerance. It can be a bit like 'I've been doing tolerance for so long, I really have no idea how to constructively manage intolerance. I've been pushed to the brink and here I am. What the heck do I do?'. Complete intolerance seriously challenges me not to become some feral maniac 🙂 I smile when I consider the gender labels regarding losing tolerance: While a guy may be labeled as 'Seriously out of control', a gal may be labeled as 'A crazy bi*ch'. Call me crazy and more, I don't mind. It's healthy to vent, constructively I should add. Nothing quite like a good therapeutic vent 🙂

Love is a tough one. I believe we can simply imagine and basically feel how much we love at times but it's not until the loss that comes with love that we may fully realise how intensely we love or have loved. Love can instill that lighthearted feeling in us, when your heart, your chest or your whole body feels so light that you can't believe it could feel any lighter, leaving you feeling like you're almost floating at times. Heartbreak is a whole other story. It comes with such a heaviness. It can come with physical pain in the chest when we think of what we've lost. A pain in the chest, a lump in the throat, venting through cries and through the eyes - heartbreak is such a physical experience for one who is so easily able to feel.

For a sensitive person, one who is able to sense or feel so much, the path in life is one that is often felt. To say 'I have met with and felt both tolerance and intolerance, I have met with and felt both joy and sadness, I have met with and felt lightheartedness and heartbreak amongst many other things' is, I believe, a declaration of our experience as 'travelers' who feel our way through life. Sometimes the hardest part of a quest involves finding those who hold the light ahead. Such people seem scarce in times of need but I have found they do come, encouraging us to take the next step forward. I've found the hardest step to take is the one that requires great courage, with elements of self love. Sometimes we need someone to help show us the way, otherwise it can feel like such a lonely quest 🙂