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I made a mistake

smallbutstrong
Community Member

I made a huge mistake. I attempted to take my life 3 days ago, and have never regretted anything more than this. I wasn’t even that down when it happened, I drank too much and made the dumbest decision I’ve ever made. I’ve worried everyone in my family and I have no idea how I’m supposed to get back to living my life as it was before. I just want to pretend that it all never happened, but I feel like I’ve crossed a line that changes the trajectory of my life. Im so anxious about this and I just really don’t know what to do to feel better. I do know that I never want to do this again, and I do want to live.

13 Replies 13

Sophie_M
Moderator
Moderator
Hi Smallbutstrong,

Welcome to the Forums. Thank you so much for your bravery and openness in sharing here. We can hear how difficult things have been recently, but sharing this here is an amazing step to have taken. 

We are all so proud of you for reaching out here today and for wanting to be here. It is not an easy decision to make when things are tough and takes incredible strength and courage.  If you would like to chat, our lovely counsellors are available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 and online.

Just in case - if you (or anyone else reading) ever feels unsafe or unable to avoid acting on thoughts of suicide or self-harm, the number to call is 000.  

We’re sure we’ll hear from some of our lovely community members here on your thread soon. They’re a amazing community with many perspectives and experiences. 

It’s so good that you’ve been able to share your experience, and that you've been able to open up to the those around you. It’s a powerful and brave step, and you never know who might be reading this and feeling less alone because of it.   

Kind regards,  
Sophie M 

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi, welcome

 

I'm really glad you posted here, well done, you seek help and reassurance and thats our role.

 

So, 1996 I did the same and have a few relatives that took their lives and left devastation afterwards. For you, like me, there is a new beginning and it will take a while before you can slot back into life itself the way it was- with improvements. So I fully understand where you were at 3 days ago, let's check a few things.

 

When this happens whether it be a trigger or purely alcohol that led you down that path, you have an opportunity now to prevent it. Since my attempt there's been one occasion I felt I was sliding toward the same situation and I immediately went into "safe" mode meaning I visited my GP's medical centre where I cried 2 hours straight but felt "safe". Such a safety plan can be discussed with your GP or mental health clinic. 

 

Personal changes can be made that are necessary to help prevent this event. These include changes to-

 

  • Career/study
  • Employment
  • Relationships- which could mean banning people from your life
  • Housing
  • Getting a pet
  • Introducing hobbies/sport

You are more than welcome to post any of the above where you need to reassess your life. 

 

In the meantime reassure your family that you are seeking help and it's a long maybe even permanent process to keep safe. It's hard to take any positives out of this action but there are many but they are not clear to you ATM. I have a post in this link and I ask you to read just the first post I wrote. Hope to hear from you soon.

 

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/when-all-is-lost-what-can-you-do-be-radical/td-p/47...

 

TonyWK

smallwolf
Community Champion
Community Champion

hello and welcome...


While it feels like you've crossed a line that changes everything, this experience does not have to define your life's trajectory. With support, understanding, and time, you can move forward in a healthy way. You have been honest and open in writing here (a brave act), and I can assure you that nobody here will judge you.

 

Many here will have safety plans - whether created with help tools from beyond blue, or with help from a psychologist. There are people who care about us (and you) when we reach a spot from which we cannot find any other exit.

 

Please know you are worthy of a second chance and your life is still filled with possibilities. Be patient and gentle with yourself as you take the next steps towards healing.

 

My heart is with you - don't hesitate to seek support. You deserve it!

therising
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi smallbutstrong

 

I feel so deeply for you as you face a significant turning point in your life. I'm so glad you've heard from 3 incredibly supportive people on the forums here who have made a difference to so many people over time. I've found good guides are key to helping establish a sense of direction we can be so desperate to find at certain times in life.

 

I always wondered why alcohol was classed as a depressant until I eventually researched the reasons. The impact it has on our central nervous system, chemistry, inner dialogue and other factors helps explain how it acts as a depressant. I'd say it's also a suppressant, suppressing the part of us that would normally scream out 'Whatever you do, DO NOT TO THAT!'. With alcohol, that inner voice can be completely drowned out. While I faced a similar challenge to you back when I was in my late 20s (I'm now a 53yo gal), I can say life immediately after that regretful choice definitely feels different for a while. There can be a lot of incredibly challenging emotions that can come about, some maybe we've never faced before or maybe we've faced similar emotions but not that level of intensity. For example, I recall feeling a sense of shame (an emotion I'd felt before) but never at such an intense level. I had no idea how to manage it at that level. I think certain emotions ease over time based on us being able to make better sense of our choices and what lies behind them. Through greater self understanding we can develop greater levels of self compassion.

 

I imagine there's something that lies behind the choice you made. While it may not be completely obvious, you could see this as a wake up call to some things that might need some serious addressing before they become so intense you struggle to manage them during sober times. Whether it relates to stuff that's happened in the past that might be starting to come to the forefront or it's an overall sense of feeling completely lost in life (to the point where it's starting to become seriously depressing in a lot of different ways), I've found things that call for our attention don't suddenly go away by themselves. If anything, they tend to grow in intensity until we eventually address them. It's kind of like an issue whispers to us, then over time it calls a little louder, then it begins screaming until it finally becomes deafening and completely unbearable. Back in the days when I managed depression with alcohol to some degree (definitely not a good move), my issues would whisper to me in ways I just didn't fully hear. Then, by the time I'd had a number of drinks, those issues would be screaming and clear. So, in the space of hours I could go from 'Life's hard to manage' to 'I just don't know how to live anymore'. 

 

Turning points in life can be incredibly challenging, highly emotional and almost unbearable at times. Now that you're at your turning point, finding the best guides for direction can help you determine where to go from here, which way to turn. Life changing turning points can feel almost impossible to manage on our own. That is their nature.

Fred65
Community Member

Hey smallbutstrong - love that name. It seems to sum you up quite well. I am so glad you posted this. It has been very encouraging to me. I struggle with suicidal thoughts. To see you say you went there and regretted the decision - you want to live - it encourages me to push on. This experience has possibly helped you unlock a super-power. I have come close to crossing that line but haven't yet. To hear from someone who's done it and say so strongly - don't go there is  a huge encouragement to carry on and not go there. Don't under-estimate the power of your influence. Just reading your post this morning has done so much for me. Thank you. 

 

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi Fred

 

Wow!! Every now and then comments overwhelm me in a good way. That is Gold.

 

TonyWK

Hi Fred, 

you have no idea how much I appreciate you sharing this. I feel so much shame around what I did, and to know there has at least been a positive impact on someone really helps me to process this. I’m so glad you haven’t crossed that line. I don’t know you, but I do know that you deserve to live, and there is always a reason to keep fighting. 

I also really appreciate everyone else’s kind words. It really helps to know that I am not alone

Hi again,

 

Well this thread has found a good place.

 

Smallbutstrong, There is a link below. It mentions a time in 1996 following 1, my only suicide attempt and 2, a week later when I left my wife of 11 years and 2 young children.

 

What is interesting and associated with this thread now is the post period once I left home. You can imagine the scene- new town, kids 2 days in every fortnight, living in a 11ft caravan, lost my dog, neighbours and will.

That grief period lasted several weeks before I realised two things- that I was responsible for my own happiness regardless of bad luck or poor decisions and that once a new direction was found I bounced onward towards a new life. 

 

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/the-best-praise-you-ll-ever-get/td-p/134999

 

So, every morning I'd wake up in that tiny van and look in the mirror and repeat the words in that link "you are a good man Tony, you deserve love and care" etc after a few months it worked, in fact I then built my own kit home. 

 

Smallbutstrong, you are a good person, you deserve the very best. 

 

TonyWK

indigo22
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi smallbutstrong,

You have no idea of the impact your post will have on anyone reading it who is in that mind space, it is a powerful message and I am so proud of you for having the courage to talk about it. I have come very close but never actually went through with it because of a promise I made to someone I care about. You made a mistake, you are not alone in that, I can't imagine there is one person on the entire planet who hasn't made a mistake or done something they regret. Your post will be helping people for years to come, so no more shame, guilt, or anxiety about it ok. Hold your head up proudly and say, I am still here, and the reason I am will become clearer with time.

Sending you a huge hug,

indigo22