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I’m thinking of ending things

Community Member

I feel so broken and useless. Since the start of this year it’s been one negative thing after another. I’ve tried to get a psychiatrist appointment to adjust my meds but now I’m on a three month wait list to get an appointment. I don’t know if I can make it until then. Everyday my inner monologue in a constant mantra or suicidal thoughts. I am barely keeping myself together at work and am having panic attacks regularly. On top of that I’m constantly stressed about finances and paying rent on time that everything seems useless. I barely have any close friends and I can’t see anyone wanting to be in a relationship with me. I don’t enjoying doing anything anymore and I feel so tired all the time. I’ve been self harming because it’s the only thing that makes me feel in control. I feel so lost and like a massive failure. Is this all my life is supposed to be? I won’t leave much of impact when I leave. I just wish I wasn’t here. I feel like it would be better for everyone. 

2 Replies 2

Hi hannahjoanne,  

We wanted to reach out and say thank you for sharing on the forums today, and also to check in with you to make sure that you’re ok, we will also be reaching out to you privately.   

This is something you could discuss with the counsellors here at Beyond Blue, whether on the phone (1300 22 4636) or via webchat  If you’re feeling unable to avoid acting on thoughts of suicide or self-harm, this is an emergency, so please call 000 (triple zero). 

Community members have mentioned an app called ‘Calm Harm’ being helpful for managing self-harm urges. This may be a helpful tool.   

Thank you again for posting, it’s a great step to have taken. There’s lots of lovely people on the forums who may be able to relate.   

Kind regards,  

Sophie M   

Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi hannahjoanne


I always feel so deeply for those who a forced to rely upon a mental health care system that has a number of flaws in it. Three months is such a brutally long time to wait. I truly do feel for you, so much.


While 'I don't know how to live' can sound like such a simple statement, for someone who works their hardest to manage depression, anxiety and/or some other mind altering life changing challenge, this statement means so much more. Add, 'one more day' to the end of it and it speaks of the pain and suffering experienced by those who face such intense challenges. From my own personal experience, I can relate.


When people speak of the light at the end of the tunnel, I tend to flip that tunnel sideways so it becomes like a well (a depression), with the light at the end/top of the tunnel. This better explains 'rock bottom'. With the tunnel flipped sideways, the question then becomes 'How do I raise myself?'. Technically, by coming here, you've done it. You've raised yourself the tiniest bit, expressing your pain while in search of answers. While perhaps being only a centimeter off rock bottom, it's still a rise. It's still a rise. Definitely hard to sense when the light at the end/top still appears as a pin prick. I find some mind altering revelations raise me millimeters (hard to really sense those ones) and some raise me meters at a time, with that pinprick of light at the top suddenly expanding significantly.


You sound thoroughly exhausted. Personally, I'm a gal who can't manage serious 'flat battery' mode for too long without becoming depressed. Basically, if a sense of energy is what connects me to life, I can feel the disconnection at depressing levels. I don't think we're necessarily conscious of how much we actually love feeling positively energised until that feeling disappears. When energy is lost gradually, we don't necessarily feel that gradual shift into flat battery mode. We'd definitely feel it if we had plenty of energy one day and then were suddenly drained overnight, waking up and spending the next day in a state of pure exhaustion. That one day would feel unbearable, yet we can be spending days or months like that until it becomes intolerable to the point where we just can't do it anymore.


Do you think, while you're waiting so long for the psychiatrist appointment, you could do some detective work? While the hyper thinking, hyper charges running through the nervous system of someone with anxiety and the intense chemical energy can become purely exhausting, what else can contribute to that feeling? Could blood tests reveal a chemical deficiency (iron, b12 etc) on top of everything? Could sleep issues not be allowing you to recharge (insomnia, lack of sleep, sleep apnea)? Could not exhausting stress constructively be a factor? How many ways are there to do it (skill development challenges)? Could there be other factors at play?