Hi hannahjoanne
I always feel so deeply for those who a forced to rely upon a mental health care system that has a number of flaws in it. Three months is such a brutally long time to wait. I truly do feel for you, so much.
While 'I don't know how to live' can sound like such a simple statement, for someone who works their hardest to manage depression, anxiety and/or some other mind altering life changing challenge, this statement means so much more. Add, 'one more day' to the end of it and it speaks of the pain and suffering experienced by those who face such intense challenges. From my own personal experience, I can relate.
When people speak of the light at the end of the tunnel, I tend to flip that tunnel sideways so it becomes like a well (a depression), with the light at the end/top of the tunnel. This better explains 'rock bottom'. With the tunnel flipped sideways, the question then becomes 'How do I raise myself?'. Technically, by coming here, you've done it. You've raised yourself the tiniest bit, expressing your pain while in search of answers. While perhaps being only a centimeter off rock bottom, it's still a rise. It's still a rise. Definitely hard to sense when the light at the end/top still appears as a pin prick. I find some mind altering revelations raise me millimeters (hard to really sense those ones) and some raise me meters at a time, with that pinprick of light at the top suddenly expanding significantly.
You sound thoroughly exhausted. Personally, I'm a gal who can't manage serious 'flat battery' mode for too long without becoming depressed. Basically, if a sense of energy is what connects me to life, I can feel the disconnection at depressing levels. I don't think we're necessarily conscious of how much we actually love feeling positively energised until that feeling disappears. When energy is lost gradually, we don't necessarily feel that gradual shift into flat battery mode. We'd definitely feel it if we had plenty of energy one day and then were suddenly drained overnight, waking up and spending the next day in a state of pure exhaustion. That one day would feel unbearable, yet we can be spending days or months like that until it becomes intolerable to the point where we just can't do it anymore.
Do you think, while you're waiting so long for the psychiatrist appointment, you could do some detective work? While the hyper thinking, hyper charges running through the nervous system of someone with anxiety and the intense chemical energy can become purely exhausting, what else can contribute to that feeling? Could blood tests reveal a chemical deficiency (iron, b12 etc) on top of everything? Could sleep issues not be allowing you to recharge (insomnia, lack of sleep, sleep apnea)? Could not exhausting stress constructively be a factor? How many ways are there to do it (skill development challenges)? Could there be other factors at play?
