I’m over it

[redtornado]

I’ve seen GP’s, psychologists, support help lines like beyond blue weekly and yet I get “you’ll be fine”.
 
I’ve recently seen a psychiatrist and been diagnosed with Asperger’s which means nothing to me.
 
I have a wife and son who has ASD but it feels like no one get’s me.
 
I’ve opened up to friends, family and my wife and all my words get thrown in my face and instead they prioritise their feelings.
 
i’m sick and tired of everything and want to end it and the funny thing is support hotlines, safe havens, hospitals, psychologists,  psychiatrists, friends and family don’t care.
 
Even though all I want and need is hospitalisation. Public health services don’t care.
Finally don’t be like me. Try as hard as you can to live but I’m done.
 

[Sophie_M]

Dear Joel,
 
Thank you so much for continuing to seek support on the forums, we can hear your distress and have reached out to you privately earlier this morning. We are sorry to hear that you are having to deal with so much right now and can understand why these thoughts would feel so overwhelming.
 
It is unfortunate to hear that you have had poor experiences with the professional supports you enage with, you deserve to know that you are not alone and that there are services to support you during crisis. As we have encouraged you to re-engage with your GP and psychologist before and you have continued to feel unsupported, have you considered getting a second opinion or requesting a new referral.
 
If you would like to talk about your suicidal thoughts please consider contacting Suicide Callback Service (call on 1300 659 467) or Lifeline on 13 11 14 or at Lifeline, if you ever feel the suicidal thoughts are becoming unbearable. We know you stated that you will be told “you’ll be fine” but it can often help having someone to express how we are feeling in the moment, and we encourage you to always reach out.
 
For any concern or to discuss your recent diagnosis of Asperger’s and seek clarification on what this diagnosis means for you, we are always here and ready to talk. Please contact Beyond Blue either via phone  1300 22 4636 or through Beyond Blue Online Chat 24/7. The Beyond Blue safety planning app might be worth looking at, too. You can read about how it works and where to download it here.
 
Please remember that if you feel you are having trouble resisting urges to act on your suicidal thoughts or you do not feel safe, please call emergency services on 000.
 
Thank you for continuing to trust our supportive community and sharing your experiences, we hope you find the shared insights and advice of our members helpful.
 
Warm regards
Sophie M
 

[Junior1962]

Hi Red Tornado

I’m sorry you are having such a hard time. 
I just wanted to extend the hand of someone who may ‘get you’ as my son has autism. 
Asperger’s is now not a separate category. It’s just all ASD. It essentially just means high-functioning autism. 
Also when friends prioritise their feelings, it’s because they don’t know how to listen. Many people don’t. They hear you, then tell you what they want to say. They don’t acknowledge or validate. 
Anyway, I’m here if you would like to share with me. 
Junior 

[therising]

Hi redtornado

I've heard it said the number of people on the spectrum who experience depression and anxiety is extremely high. I think one of the reasons for this comes down to some of those who are not on the spectrum being depressing and stressful in the ways they can't simply relate. For those who face the challenges of having such a unique and brilliant nature, they're left alone to manage through what's largely unrelateable. 'You'll be fine' is one of those unrelateable pieces of 'advice'. My advice to those who say 'You'll be fine' would be 'You need to tell me and show me how I'll be fine or what will lead me to be fine. Actually, why settle for fine. How about someone saying 'I will lead you to feel fantastic'?

I'm able to relate to my 17yo son who's on the spectrum. My challenge comes down to channeling the pure analyst in me at times, to be able to relate to where he's coming from on occasion. He has the incredible ability to be able to emotionally detach from problems in order to find logical/natural solutions. He's also managed to teach me how to be more conscious when it comes to feeling sound. He's helped me develop my ability to feel and, as a consequence, become more conscious of ways of seeking peace to the point where I can feel peace. He is also a natural seer. He can easily see solutions to problems through his imagination. He sees what naturally comes to mind, without him having to think/mentally process his way toward solutions. He's teaching me to make the most of my imagination, using it constructively in the ways of developing inner vision or insight.

Those on the spectrum have so much to teach, in the ways of life, yet not everyone want's to listen and learn. For those on the spectrum, so much can be depressing, stressful, angering and frustrating based on others not wanting to do the work it takes to relate to life in such ways. Often, those on the spectrum are left to do all the hard work. It can be so unfair when those around you can be so inflexible or closed minded.

[Minxy]

Hi redtornado,

I'm also diagnosed with Asperger's (technically ASD according to Junior1962) and also had experiences dealing with social workers with mixed results, well kind of not the same but this is just my personal experience. Especially the "you'll be fine" and "what I've been doing was amazing this whole time" comments, along with copy-paste resources to go to that end up going back in circles again. I also get it that multiple experiences getting mental help make it much harder to rely on, and then those the mental health industry and/or researching wonder why those with ASD, and other developmental and mental health issues, refuse to seek help or don't care. 

And looking at the responses as of writing have proven that point, with the family member ones with ASD included. Controversial statement, but this is pattern I've observed a lot on here and other mental health platforms.

All I can say is if you're still around to read these posts or be in the forums, please let me know if you're ok.

[redtornado]

Hi All,

I'm sorry for advance in reading this. To explain my current situation:

• I was suspected of having Asperger's by one Psychiatrist
• I have been in and out of ER's thinking about suicide
• Over Xmas I cleaned up and was ready for the new year
• January my mother in law died
• March my mother died
• May my wife says she's not happy and wants a divorce

I'm honestly on the edge about suicide and recently with my wife saying this I'm kind of worried.

I've spoken to Beyond Blue, Lifeline, Suicide Call Back Service, Health Direct, 000, Police and Ambulance and I always tell them how I'm feeling but when police and ambulance turn up I lie about how bad I'm doing and make it seem like it's not an issue.

I guess through psychology and everything I've tried I understand that I went through traumatic events as a kid; my mother and father never accepted me and always focused on my brother who had ADD and was younger.

Now later in life with a child who is Autistic/non-verbal I kind of get it but I always wished someone would take care of me.

Overlapping that is my incontinence which I down play as well.

At the moment I'm drinking and smoking weed everyday, my GP knows, Lifeline, Beyond Blue, Suicide Call Back Service knows but it feels like no-one cares about a 37 year old male going through depression, anxiety, panic attacks, suicidal ideas and even my work, extended family, friends don't take me seriously.

I'm just looking for advice via this forum, please don't call me. I just want to know what to do.

- Anonymous 

[redtornado]

Thank you all. 

I think the advice “You need to tell me and show me how I'll be fine or what will lead me to be fine. Actually, why settle for fine. How about someone saying 'I will lead you to feel fantastic'” really resonates with me. 

I’m high functioning, get paid well, am a reporting and insights analyst, business analyst, project manager, father to a 8 year old ASD child, husband (well ex now) and I just feel like I want to be actually heard. 

I honestly believe my family would be better off without me but because of my previous experience with emergency services and having incontinence at 37, I feel like a burden. 

Honestly open to any suggestions right now and maybe I will call (or they will call) beyond blue to discuss it.

Thank you for your time and patience.

Joel

[redtornado]

Hi All,

Thanks for your advice I’ll take it from here. 

[therising]

Hi redtornado

My heart goes out to you as you face the grief of having lost people in your life, the challenges of depression, the frustration and confusion that comes with such a painful lack of self understanding and so much more. From my own experience, a lack of self understanding isn't a problem until it becomes one. Then it becomes about some kind of quest to know yourself better. Whether the quest begins out of sheer curiosity or complete desperation, I've found it's the nature of such a quest to hold a heck of a lot of questions.

I can relate to the 'people caring' factor. I used to look at it on occasion as 'Why do I not feel loved?' or 'Why does no one love me?'. Took me decades to finally realise I need to be loved in very specific ways in order to feel loved. For example, my husband could hug me and kiss me and express his eternal love for me, if I'm feeling myself in a depression. The thing is I will not feel loved. To be fair, I will feel cared for in some way. On the other hand, if he was to sit with me and help me work out why I'm in the depression (what's led me there) and we came up with all the answers or even some, I would feel myself being loved back to life. Feelings can be so complex.

I think being able to get a feel for particular emotions is so important when it comes to self understanding. While we can face one challenge, it can be a challenge packed with mixed feelings/emotions such as anger, sadness, confusion, disorientation (not knowing which way to go or which path to take), desperation, resentment and more. With 5 significant challenges going on at once, there can be dozens of mixed emotions. It can get exhausting. During my years in long term depression, I used to drink. That's one of the ways I'd manage my feelings. I discovered the problem with drinking (or using some other mind altering resource) is it masks emotions. While this can offer some form of relief, such emotions go unexplored. The reason I experience much shorter periods in depression these days comes down to fully tapping into particular emotions or feelings so as to fully understand why they're there and what they're trying to tell me. I suppose you could say the analyst in me has to be fully conscious (unaffected by alcohol) in order to help me make better sense of things. 

My take on things: We come to life when we're born, then a whole stack of people can put the wrong ideas in our head when it comes to who we are, our sense of value and all those other mental programs. Then it becomes a matter of making sense of and getting rid of all the depressing anxiety inducing stuff so that we can begin to come back to life. Can be such hard work.

[redtornado]

Thank you to everyone spending time to write responses to me. 

I honestly feel like I’m at the bottom of a hole and now with my wife wanting to divorce me I’m just going through a really hard time on top of everything else. 

I didn’t think I’d make it this far in the week to be honest but I’m reading your messages again and again and it gives me hope that I’ll get through this. 

Thank you everyone and particularly @therising who just put things in ways I could understand. I’m an analyst and I can tell you the millions of things that are wrong with a business but I can’t do the same in my life. 

Right now I’m just surrounding myself with friends who even though I have doubts that they like me for who I am, I feel comfort just being included in a group. 

Thank you again. Joel