I just found out my brother knew our other brother molested and did nothing

[Serenity22]

Hi,

im trying to breathe calmly right now. I’m already going through a very difficult time with severe chronic pain for the last 4 years, and recently being forced o rely on certain family members I tried to get away from. 
 

I found out half an hour ago from my older cousin that my eldest brother told him (when they were about 17) that my other brother (then 15) had molested one of us girls. 
 

Tonight my cousin asked if it was me. I was shocked because I didn’t know this happened at all. I struggled greatly living at home with my brother (accused of molesting my sister) as he has Scizophrenia and the sick, psychotic nature of his illness was always my problem. My other sister moved out and got pregnant young. My oldest brother left at 17, and I was trying to study/work and hopefully do law but the environment was so unhealthy I didn’t do well. My parents always worked. They were never home…always using money to compensate for them not being there. I put a lock on my own door to protect myself.

but my anger now comes from finding out that my brother at 17 and onwards… never tried to protect me or my sister. He also found out dad was having an affair and didn’t tell Mum because Dad said it would ruin the business/money that my Brother no doubt benefited from. He is still the golden child. 
 

Im suicidal to the point I have a plan. I feel sick with the blood that runs through my veins. I have been suicidal for over a year due to physical pain. Now, the year long triggers regarding my mother, father, brothers….makes me feel constantly worthless. No amount of mirror work, meditation, journaling helps now, because I’m stuck being supported by the only people that make me feel that way. 

I can’t manage on my own. Even with community support, it’s not enough. My life is physical hell and I’m physically stuck in it. It’s a special kind of torture. 

[Serenity22]

Hi Fiatlux,

thanks for your post. The reason it bothers me so much is because he is very boastful about what a great guy he is..how he’s always there for his family. He thinks he knows everything. He recently suggested I move in with said brother. I am now 42, and sadly due to a medical neg procedure, am disabled. The fact he won’t let his own children around my other brother but suggests I live with the other brother to solve my accomodation issues is absurd. There isn’t even enough bedrooms. 

I told my older brother that I needed a lock on my door growing up. I told. Him that he left at 17, before my brother was diagnosed, so I just am exhausted at his holier than thou attitude when he isn’t what he thinks he is in his own mind. 

He also know my Dad was cheating on my Mum for 20 years but never told her. Dad would buy him things, and h enjoyed the fruits of the family business at the expense of what I believe to be honour. 

so, I do feel an outcast from my Really do need therapy but I haven’t found one I can afford one I can afford on a pension. 

I’ve phoned BB twice, and followed up on the numbers they provided but they are no longer in service or not relevant to me getting therapy.

I really do appreciate the time you’ve taken to right back. 

S22

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Serenity22,

I just thought I'd mention the Blue Knot Foundation if you aren't aware of them already. They help people with complex trauma whether from childhood or later. I have rung their helpline several times and found them very good. They are open from 9am to 5pm eastern states time. Their number is 1300 657 380. Their website is blueknot.org.au  I just thought they may have some ideas about affordable counselling options and some helpful resources, but also a chance for you to debrief with some experienced counsellors about your childhood experiences and current circumstances.

I haven't called them in a while but if I remember correctly they do up to 40 minutes counselling (free) and sometimes 30 minutes if they are extra busy, and you can call them once a week. Their focus is on safety and stabilisation which was very helpful for me when I was in trauma activated states.

I'm so sorry for what you have had to come to terms with with your brothers. I totally understand you would feel your older brother has betrayed your family and obviously your Mum in particular in relation to the cheating.

I feel you could really do with some support around you and some good people you can trust. It's like you need a support network outside of your family. I also know that is so difficult right now when in pain. I guess one good thing about online communities is they are something you can access without having to travel somewhere. We are here for you anyway.

Take good care,

ER xx

[Fiatlux]

Oh Dear Serenity,

A lot of what you have written sounds like my dysfunctional family. The males in the family pretending that they have no idea about the Abuser and the women dared not speak up either. They just lived with it and tried to protect their children as best they could.

I confronted my parents and my brother sat in absolute silence. The silence from everyone especially my parents told me that they all knew. My brother finally spoke up and told us of an incident, when this abuser physically assaulted him. My brother blacked out and crashed to the ground. He couldn’t recall why this happened but he certainly didn’t tell my parents. We were all victims and prisoners of this one evil person who had an ironclad control over everyone. The abuser knew that nobody dared tell, so he was arrogant and his abuse continued through 3 generations.

I was in an argument with my parents about not attending any family gatherings or functions. I missed all of them. I told my parents that I will never ever be in the same room as the abuser ever again. I was now old enough to protect myself and stand up to them.

Their complacency made them as guilty as the abuser. My older sister was molested by the abuser and so too was her daughter, my niece. I was horrified and shattered when I learnt of it. I had a million thoughts and questions running through my head. Even when the Police were finally informed, they too took no action. We were all let down so badly.

Serenity, do what you need to do for yourself. I can’t answer for your brother, but I no longer have contact with mine. It’s sad but I needed to protect myself and of course my 3 children. The Abuser was never going to be given the opportunity to see them let alone touch them.

Take care and remember that good people are here for you. 🙏🏼

[Serenity22]

Fiatlux, 

My gosh. You described so much secrecy and trauma. You sound strong, wise, and mature. You also sound like you’ve come to a place your body and soul don’t have the energy for any more of the same… so cutting them out was the right thing.

im sadly not n a position to cut people out because a few years ago I stopped being able to work and care for myself…I rely on whatever help I can get. 

im also mindful of not burning a bridge. 

But…my older brother likes to visit me on Christmas as I know it makes him feel like he’s doing a good deed. And I always cry when he leaves. He says the most condescending hurtful stuff. 

This year… I simply will say I’m not up for a visit. So, I can create small boundaries. 

thank you so much for sharing your story. It means a lot to me xoxoxo