I just found out my brother knew our other brother molested and did nothing

[Serenity22]

Hi,

im trying to breathe calmly right now. I’m already going through a very difficult time with severe chronic pain for the last 4 years, and recently being forced o rely on certain family members I tried to get away from. 
 

I found out half an hour ago from my older cousin that my eldest brother told him (when they were about 17) that my other brother (then 15) had molested one of us girls. 
 

Tonight my cousin asked if it was me. I was shocked because I didn’t know this happened at all. I struggled greatly living at home with my brother (accused of molesting my sister) as he has Scizophrenia and the sick, psychotic nature of his illness was always my problem. My other sister moved out and got pregnant young. My oldest brother left at 17, and I was trying to study/work and hopefully do law but the environment was so unhealthy I didn’t do well. My parents always worked. They were never home…always using money to compensate for them not being there. I put a lock on my own door to protect myself.

but my anger now comes from finding out that my brother at 17 and onwards… never tried to protect me or my sister. He also found out dad was having an affair and didn’t tell Mum because Dad said it would ruin the business/money that my Brother no doubt benefited from. He is still the golden child. 
 

Im suicidal to the point I have a plan. I feel sick with the blood that runs through my veins. I have been suicidal for over a year due to physical pain. Now, the year long triggers regarding my mother, father, brothers….makes me feel constantly worthless. No amount of mirror work, meditation, journaling helps now, because I’m stuck being supported by the only people that make me feel that way. 

I can’t manage on my own. Even with community support, it’s not enough. My life is physical hell and I’m physically stuck in it. It’s a special kind of torture. 

[Sophie_M]

Hi Serenity22,  

Thank you having the bravery to share such a difficult experience that you've been through. We can imagine how hard it is to hear this information particularly regarding a family member, please know that you are not alone and the community is always here for you.  

It's understandable you feel a range of emotions after hearing such shocking news, please know that however you feel is valid and it's important to give yourself the time and space to process however you can. We wanted to provide you with some options for additional support. For counselling and information for anyone affected by family and sexual violence, we’d recommend reaching out to our friends at 1800 RESPECT on 1800 737 732, or online: https://www.1800respect.org.au/ They will be able to provide a safe space to share your experiences and offer any support you may need, and they can also connect you with local agencies for practical support, if that’s helpful.     

We wanted to also let you know that is something you could discuss with the counsellors here at Beyond Blue, whether on the phone (1300 22 4636) or via webchat. A few more options are Kids Helpline on 1800 55 1800, the Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467, and Headspace on 1800 650 890. We hear that you've had thoughts of suicide, if you're feeling like you may be unable to keep yourself from acting on thoughts of suicide or self-harm, it's important to get some help. If you have a treating team, contact them. If you’re not sure who to call, contact Lifeline on 13 11 14. If there is an immediate risk of harm to yourself or others, please call  000.   

Thank you again for sharing here. We're so sorry this has happened, but we're glad you could share here.  

Kind Regards,  

Sophie M  

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Serenity22,

You are no doubt in shock right now and you were already at the point of overload when you received this news, so it is no wonder you feel overwhelmed. I've only just read this and immediately wanted to respond as a few weeks ago I also had a plan, several times, and was fighting with myself to keep going basically. I really want to let you know that no matter how awful it feels right now, things always shift and change. You are just at a very high level of activation right now which is really understandable.

At my worst I found The Suicide Callback Service really helpful. I'd had very good experiences with Lifeline in the past but called them during the most recent difficulty and it wasn't too helpful at all. I ended the call, took a few breaths, then called Suicide Callback Service. They really re-grounded me and I was more able to cope and feel resourced within myself afterwards. Co-regulating with another human is really a powerful tool when you are in a desperate state. It can de-escalate where your nervous system is at and help you to feel safer. Even if it just brings you down a few notches in terms of intensity, that is so much better than being at the far end of desperate. My experience has been that it helps to just persist until you find that human who can be there for you. I almost cry now thinking about the people who helped me because of the level of desperation I was at and the difference it made.

No doubt you are experiencing strong feelings of betrayal right now. Betrayal by a family member is one of the most painful things. But it is something that you can gradually process and come to terms with in time. I really feel for you so much and we here at the Beyond Blue forum care and want you to be ok.

I read on your other post how you always present ok externally to others and give the appearance of coping, not wanting to give out less than positive energy to others. I have done the same thing chronically my whole life. But there are times it's ok to say I am really not ok right now, especially in places and with people where there is most likely to be support. That's why it is great you've reached out here and there are all of the options that Sophie mentions. 

Feel free to continue communicating if it helps. No matter how bad it feels, things do de-escalate in time and you just have so much you are trying to grasp and process right now. I can tell you are a very intuitive, wise and intelligent person and, most importantly, a worthy person.

Take good care,

Eagle Ray

[Serenity22]

Hi Eagle Ray,

thank you again for replying. I think I am in shock even more so now than yesterday. I have written down those numbers suggested by Sophie and will use them. 

I definitely present well when people visit because I like the interaction to be positive. I also am honest, and cry if the discussion goes that way but I do want to keep my friendships as an escape.

11 months ago my physical pain was not being managed and I’d just undergone a 3rd surgery that turned me immobile, and I was very suicidal purely from pain. I contacted all of my close friends and family, and even reached out to old boyfriends. I was ready to end my life at that point and over 5 weeks, these people visited me so I could update them on my situation and I let them know I don’t think I can hang on much longer. It was me saying my goodbyes. So, I will let people see me at my worst if I think it is helpful to ether of us. Once that month passed, I no longer talk about suicide with them. 

I’m shocked that I’m now having suicidal thoughts separate from the physical pain. That said, if I didn’t have the physical issues, I wouldn’t need to face my family on a daily basis. So..it does circle back to that.

I’m glad that I’ve got a place here to speak openly without worrying about hurting people. 

xxx thank you ER

[smallwolf]

hello,

I understand this is an incredibly difficult time for you, especially now learning disturbing information about what happened in your family. And you mentioned feeling suicidal... an immense burden to bear. As cliche as it sounds, I want you to know you have value and there are people who care about you. You deserve to be treated with dignity and compassion.

The family situation you wrote about sounds very complex and painful. While you can't change your relatives, you can control how you respond.

What sort of things bring you a sense of peace, comfort or meaning? 

This painful chapter will not last forever. With support, you can get to a better place, even if it's hard to see right now. There are people ready to listen without judgement and help you through this. Peace and strength to you. Listening if you want to chat some more...

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Serenity22,

I understand what you are saying, the suicidality from the physical pain, and then the suicidality that is now coming from issues beyond that. I can see how it is challenging in relation to your family. I'm glad you had those people following the surgery from 11 months ago. Yes, let people know if you are at risk. My psychologist always gets me to feel into things which I find really helpful. So feel into or sense those people you feel most comfortable being vulnerable with. I can tell you are very intuitive.

In my experience the suicidality is really a desire to end suffering and overwhelm rather than life itself. I went through it with pain in 2005-2007. Then more recently it was partly circumstantial (grief and trauma) and partly health-related but driven strongly by hormonal issues in particular. I found there were ways through with both, even though for a time I desperately wanted out. And I am so glad now I hung in there. There will be paths out of where you are at also. Your life is absolutely worth holding onto and as awful as everything feels right now things will cycle back out of how horrible it is, even though that may be hard to see right now.

I am happy to talk with you and it doesn't hurt me. I know what it feels like. I know you need some good support and in time supports will come into place. After some questing I found a good psychologist. I came here to the BB forum. I also did a course last year with some excellent people who were the most healing people to be around. So just want to encourage you that you can find supports. I have found just remembering your spirit and staying connected to that can help pull you through.

We are listening to you and here for you.

Take care xxx

ER

[Serenity22]

Small wolf,

That was a nice reply. I appreciate your easygoing writing style. You’re sensitive but don’t make it heavier than it needs to be. 

Sadly, I don’t have an answer to your question, “What sort of things bring you a sense of peace, comfort or meaning?”. Due to medical negligence surgery 6 years ago, and subsequent surgeries making things worse…I’m in a very difficult position physically. They can’t undo what has been done. My life revolves around managing pain. I haven’t felt peace or comfort in almost 3 years, now. That’s when I had to leave my job and social activities altogether (the pain became unbearable) 

I must’ve read that line 5 times when you said I have value. Thank you for saying that. Xoxo

[Serenity22]

Thank you, ER.

I do hope something improves with my health this year.

I don’t have the same hope that others do, simply due to the time that has lapsed since the chronic pain started and didn’t stop (3 years ago), and I have gotten worse, since then. A lot worse. I think I have mentioned the surgery I had 2 years ago on my foot was to correct issues from a botched procedure 6 years ago. 

I didnt have foot pain at the time, but every specialist I saw suggested I clean up the scar tissue and bone and maybe I was walking to compensate and correcting that would help my hip pain. Worst mistake of my life. 

It resulted in permanent tendon rupture, a failed repair, and now permanent calf pain that is at an 8 without meds. I already had hip pain often at a level 7-9 for over a year leading up to the foot surgery. 

Since the joint has now been removed and fused, I can no longer wear shoes, apart from these plastic slide on ones with special socks.  Every step is mentally challenging. As well as the hip pain, I explain the foot pain as more a head f#*. Imagine someone twisting your arm behind your back the whole time. It’s not technically painful but it’s not ok. But my think ppl can’t see so they assume I can do tasks if I’m sitting down. But it’s not like that. 

Before the fusion, I could still walk and get around and wear shoes, I was even dating and going to the beach. I could go out dancing, wear shoes.. even a little high heal.. I never dreamt I’d get worse. 

so, when ppl say it will get better….that has been the opposite in my case so many times. I don’t believe in positive thinking anymore. I believe in science, in rational observing a situation. If I had my hopes up after each surgery they tried to fix it (7 in total), I’d only feel worse. That said, I don’t have a negative mindset. I just know that there’s things outside of my control and they have not gone my way, sadly. 

im having hardware removed at he fusion site in 2 weeks. The excitement of others that this will help is difficult for me , because it’s the same excitement people had every time something made it worse. I try to manage people’s expectations because it’s exhausting for me to disappoint them. 

Only time will tell with my physical health. There’s a lot riding on this year because I’ve tired all that’s available, and I need some respite soon for me to keep going. 

By the end of the year, I’ll know what the new status up will be. I have 2 more radio frequency procedures to burn the nerve endings at my hip. Also, prp injections. 

I’ll try and get my pain team to look at my minor Posa’s which I believe is the real cause of my hip pain. A private physio has finally listened to me but I need the pain team to get on Board, too. 

So that’s my 2024…you really understand me, so much as suicidality isn’t a wish to die but to end suffering. So am hanging on as long as I can. Xoxoxo and doing things in the hope something improves. I don’t know it’s possible, yet. 

You are very strong. And a very good listener. 
xoxo

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Serenity22,

I just had a bit of a cry reading your post. I can understand the challenge of hoping for improvement when other procedures have worsened things.

Some of the therapies that have helped me are a bit out of the box. They were ones that worked on the nervous system as a whole rather than the site of pain. In my case it was a bladder condition called interstitial cystitis or painful bladder syndrome that causes constant, extreme bladder pain and urinary frequency. The pain was by far the worst symptom for me and persisted at a severe level for 3 years before gradually improving.

One of the things that helped was something called Bowen Therapy that works on gently calming the nervous system via subtle movements to the fascia. As the fascia receive these movements they send messages to the parasympathetic nervous system to switch on which in chronic pain is often switched off by relentless sympathetic (fight-or-flight) nervous system activity. I got my first decent sleep in a long time following this therapy. Each practitioner may do it a little differently. Another similar therapy I’ve done is the John Barnes Myofascial Release method which again works intuitively with the fascia to release pain holding structures and the persistent nervous system overdrive.

A lot of my pain was neuropathic-type pain and I don’t know how much of what you’re experiencing is coming from neuropathic processes and how much the main locality of the pain itself. It’s a complex process and I found I had to come at it from a few angles.

I’m guessing you are on some pretty strong pain meds. I am just wondering if a whole nervous system approach may be helpful. For me these approaches gave better relief than the ones specific to my bladder which, like in your case, made things worse. It was like my brain gradually learned to process pain differently. With chronic pain the same neural pathways are being activated over and over again. There is the original site of pain and then you often have an ongoing amplified brain response as well. For me gradually switching off the brain amplification of pain by kind of neuroplastically restructuring my brain patterns was a key part of beginning to recover.

 I am hoping you have a good pain specialist, someone who really gets pain. Sometimes doctors doing surgery see a mechanical problem to fix in the body rather than looking at the whole organic interactivity within the body from a holistic perspective. They are so focussed on correcting a specific issue but not always taking all of the interconnections within  the brain and nervous system into account.

I’ve looked into a lot of stuff to do with the vagus nerve as well. It is the nerve which connects the brain to the gut and all our other visceral organs along the way. It functions properly when our parasympathetic nervous system (rest-and-digest) is working and acts as a brake on the sympathetic fight-or-flight response. I know they are looking at the vagus nerve more and more now in relation to pain including forms of vagal stimulation. Some of this is more invasive (e.g. surgically implanted devices) but there is quite a lot that can help bring vagal function online non-surgically. Peter Levine talks about some of these approaches, the most simple being chanting a low vooo sound which stimulates the vagus nerve. It’s such a simple thing but I’ve used it in relation to pain and trauma/distress and it has helped.

Jist trying to think of some ideas for you. I understand about positive thinking. I have an aversion to toxic positivity which is all about thinking positive to solve everything and I’ve found that often fails when it comes to both severe pain and trauma. I’ve found I have to allow and acknowledge the pain otherwise I’m just trying to relentlessly defy it which only feeds it making it worse.

Not sure if that’s any help, but wanting to send you care and support,

Eagle Ray xx

[Serenity22]

Hi Eagle Ray,

Once again, I’m really thankful to you for supporting me on this forum (so to speak). 

I enjoyed reading your reply. It’s strange, because where other people may trigger me, you never do. That in itself is relieving. My new (private) physio does fascial release and craniosacral therapy which I find useful. We never work on my hip where the pain is. I’ve visited many other alternative type therapies..somatic release, different kinds of massage. Until I’d met my new physio, Kate…everyone made my pain worse. 

I have to give a bit more back story for this next bit: when I went to Emergency in Mach 2023 (because I hadn’t slept 3 nights due to pain)..they approached my case by first asking who my surgeon was that had just done the fusion. Instead of asking me what my symptoms were, they phoned him. Now, by this time I had already seen a private pain specialist who’d known me for a year…(before the foot surgeries mucked me up). I’d seen him because the surgeon who did the fusion said I had CRPS. Mind you, the surgeon hadn’t seen me since the surgery and his receptionist was the one who told me I had that! I knew I didn’t have it because my symptoms were the opposite. My Aunty said I didn’t, too. She’d had it, before. Another surgeon (a professor) had seen me the week prior, too and said I didn’t have it (in his notes).  It was clear that the fusion surgeon was trying to distance himself from the situation. Later, when I read his correspondence, he lied about things I’d said, in doing so…excusing him of why he wasn’t removing the hardware. 

Anyway, they treated my nervous system in hospital, as you suggested. This being based on their discussion with my surgeon and the fact I didn’t have a clear cut reason on an MRI for the extreme pain I had. Apparently, the ortho surgeon and my fusion guy “were mates”. During my stay, I actually had scans done specifically to test for CRPS, and they came back saying “there are no abnormalities to suggest CRPS”. I didn’t see this report until I was being wheeled out upon discharge after a 5 week stay. This was a public hospital.

I got out and I immediately saw my private pain specialist, who had by now received my discharge summary. He was even angrier than me… because he had examined me before hospital and told Dr Fusion I didn’t have it, but the surgeon conveniently left that out of his correspondence to the hospital. DrB (my private pain guy) told me how dangerous it was for Dr Fusion to diagnosis me with that. It’s a completely different nervous system altogether. DrB said it’s definitely not CRPS. it’s mechanical. 

It’s taken almost a year now to have CRPS removed from all of my diagnosis chart.

Someone with CRPS May experience heightened pain but I’m the opposite. I barely register new pain, because I’m already maxed out. I can watch needles going in and out of my arm. I can stuff my toes into plastic separators. A person with heightened pain like CRPS can’t do that. 

I feel confident I can control my nervous system myself, using certain mind techniques, visualisation etc. I HAVE been telling them for a year that the hardware needs to come out. And In July, my foot was sometimes black, it was clear there was no circulation getting there, and the more I used it..the more purple and black it became. So…I took photos. Which gave me ammunition. My private pain guy and my public pain guy are finally communicating. DrB told me never to go back to that surgeon again. Needless to say, a different surgeon will be removing the hardware. The first person I saw out of hospital was a consultant psychiatrist. When I explained things to him, he said I don’t have CRPS. He suggested I don’t come back to the public pain team at all (where he worked haha)

The hip pain is relieved when I see my new physio. I finally found someone to listen. I have been saying for 3 years that the pain stems from higher up. When Kate worked on releasing that muscle, I cried with relief that someone put their finger on the pulse. That point deep behind my diaphragm when pressed hard turned the volume up in the exact pain locations in my body…in my hips, calf. So, now I need to try and get my public pain guy to see that, too. They call it the primary contributing factor.

That said, im not dismissing your advice by any means, at all. I loved reading it. xoxo