I have a problem with CBT

[Outside observing]

I have a problem with CBT.

CBT is always telling me to reframe my thoughts. Its kind of invalidating and telling me that despite a large amount of evidence to contrary, that I am thinking about situations 'incorrectly.' The truth is; I am more accurate in my thinking than most.

The world really has become shit. Capitalism, greed, misogyny and racism have fucked up my life and it's statistically, factually, unlikely to be changing any time soon no matter what mental gymnastics I put myself through. I really am post-menopausal. I really won't have children. My parents and partner will never really understand me. They won't. I know them too well. It is too late to have friends. Yes, it is. They all have children and none of them have time for me. They are actually awkward around me. They live on planet family - which I'm sure has it's complications, I live on planet loneliness and isolation. They are incompatible mindsets.

The world really is hurtling towards a climate disaster, an overconsumption disaster and a billionaire-led fascist insanity disaster. I am just living until I die. It will largely be the same. There is literally no point. I am not a theoretical physicist and at this point I think that high level abstract science is the only thing left that will leave me with a sense of awe and mystery and it's probably too late to do anything meaningful in this field.

Being intelligent is the only thing I can base my self-esteem on. So therefore, I cannot stand CBT constantly gaslighting me, telling me I'm not able to 'manage my thoughts and emotions' which is a super nice way of saying I am stupid and defective. It then advises me that thinking I am stupid and defective is just further evidence of my stupidity and defectiveness that I need to 'work on'. Super helpful. Not.

I did a medical degree. I have evidence of my intellectual intelligence. I have worked in psychiatry with my patients consistently liking me and finding my interactions helpful for them. I therefore have evidence of my emotional intelligence.

[Outside observing]

I will have leave from early february to mid may, but its up in the air and I should be supposedly studying for an exam during that time. As for deserving to suffer...i think i take the buddhist philosophy that life itself is suffering and perhaps there is no 'deserve' or 'not deserve' attached to it. suffering, like everything else, is just meaningless. 

[Eagle Ray]

Perhaps your leave next year could be a time to really take care of yourself. You are so conscientious thinking about the exam (I can relate as I’m also super conscientious), but if you can set aside time to look after your well-being, it gives your whole nervous system a chance to just breathe and let go of stress.

 I do agree that life contains suffering and that accepting that reality is part of life. It’s also true that everything is in flux and we will pass through different stages, emotions and experiences, and it is possible to return to some good and happy experiences.

I’ve just got back to reading a book called Sensitive is the New Strong by Anita Moorjani and earlier this year I read When the Body Says No by Gabor Mate. Both are very instructive for me as I’ve always worked so hard at taking care of others needs while overlooking my own. It’s taken some serious health issues for me to realise I need to change the pattern.

 I imagine in your work there may be pressure to maintain a professional presence that can take a lot of energy if you are burnt out and not feeling ok. That is a huge pressure to carry and it’s really ok to pause and recognise that level of pressure, and then look to ways to allow life to be easier for you. There are solutions but they can be hard to see when we are overwhelmed.

It’s sometimes when we let go of trying to work so hard, control and get everything right, that our heart, mind and soul can open up to ways that are healing for us. If it’s any encouragement, I was severely burnt out by my life circumstances by the end of 2020, but I’m slowly finding the right help and my way back to a better place. It’s always ok to ask for help and seek support, and if current support isn’t the right fit just keep trying. I did that till I found the right psychologist. You don’t have to struggle alone carrying the weight of everything. It’s ok to put the weight down, rest and care for yourself.

[therising]

Hi Outside observing

I hate the feeling of purgatory, I truly do. It is 'the inbetween', where you're in between who you were and who you're going to be. You're stuck longing to leave aspects of yourself behind but don't know how to become the person you want to be. Truth be told, most of the time I don't exactly know who I want to be. So how do you achieve change when you don't know what or who you're meant to be changing into? The in between seems largely about not knowing and wishing you knew. A horrible torturous place where the longing and confusion can become soul destroying.

I find feelings to be so underrated. Took me years to realise if I'm going to master feeling my way through life, I'd better get started when it comes to understanding feelings and how they work. While I'm a gal who loves and is fascinated by aspects of psychology, biology and chemistry (how we tick on a chemical level), I also love consuming info when it comes to the more natural or soulful side of things. With 'love' as an example, how we think of love, how we feel the biology and chemistry of love and why love feels so incredibly soulful at times. Btw, can also feel when there's not enough of it. May sound strange but I simply cannot feel love through words unless they're of a poetic nature. I feel it mostly through action/s.

So much in life has a feel to it. Whether we feel a longing or a lack, such things can be felt on so many levels. From a twinge of longing to basic level, to a significant level, to a deeply depressing level, we feel on so many levels. Tired and burnt out definitely has a feel to it. If energy is what connects us to life, the disconnection that comes with pure exhaustion is something I personally can't manage without feeling depressed. This is one of my triggers. Pure exhaustion can be a major trigger for depression. Having the ability to feel it is nothing to be ashamed of.

[Outside observing]

You know, therising, it was kind of helpful to hear that I might be in an inbetween place moving from one way of living and thinking and another. I have not really thought of it in that way before. Still feeling like crap, but the thought that there might be a way out of it does help. Thankyou.

[Outside observing]

Thanks eagleray,

I just have to get to February. I think I can do it.

[Eagle Ray]

Hang in there outside observing. And I think the Rising might be right there. We often feel at our worst when we are ‘in between’ in life, just before we make a major re-orientation or some kind of re-adjustment. It’s kind of like a crisis before we find a new equilibrium. Take care 🙏

[therising]

Hi Outside observing

I'm glad that resonated with you, even if it's in a small way. The in between always involves so much work. There's so much self analysis, so many feelings to manage, so much analysis of the people around me at times, a lot of analysing my beliefs. The list goes on when I'm in this place. Then there are all the feelings of rage, associated with enraging comments. 'You need to stop thinking so much' or 'You need to stop being so sensitive' or 'You need to just get on with life', to name just a few. Btw, my response to all 3 would be 'How am I meant to analyse the hell out of things without thinking? How am I meant to stop being sensitive when I'm trying to get a sense of why I feel things the way I do? How am I meant to simply 'get on with life' when I don't know how?'. To become enraged while feeling depressed is not unusual.

Unless my periods of depression relate purely to physical reasons, such with depressing levels of sleep apnea or B12 deficiency, I will always come out of a period with a new part of me having come to life (something I noticed only within the past year or so). I've come to label those periods of depression as my 'labor pains'. My intolerant sense of self would have to be one of my favourites. Born from pure intolerance, she's a feisty cow at times 😁. She's often (not always) a 'tell it how it is and don't tolerate a single bit of sh** from people' aspect. Reigned in by the sage in me at times (thank goodness), she'll happily take a flame thrower to certain bridges, while the sage may dictate 'Do not be so quick to burn that one right now'. It is my intolerant sense of self that is often my liberator from depressing periods. If I tap into it, it will tell me exactly what I'm trying so hard to tolerate. Triggered by people's arrogance, thoughtlessness, self-righteousness, neglect, degradation etc, it was a part of me suppressed for so many decades, with me having been conditioned to be a people pleaser. Being a people pleaser can definitely become depressing.