I hate everything

[BalticBlue]

I’m 26, depression diagnosis at 18. I got worse after taking medication, and better after stopping, so go figure. It’s been 7 years since I was medicated, and I’ve had some good times since then.

But it fell apart lately. I was living in the city and while I wasn’t enjoying it, I had some people around me. But I lost them. I loved someone; I watched them love someone else.

So I did all those things you’re supposed to do. I got fit, I picked up some hobbies. I even moved to a small town, because I felt like I’d be happier in nature. But all I’ve done is made myself miserable, and fit, and busy, and living in nature. I can’t enjoy any of this.

We just had Christmas, and I’m on a low income, so I spent all this money and it still felt not good enough. Then I got all these presents I don’t want, because I live in a small bedroom in a share house with nowhere to put anything. Then I feel bad for not appreciating what people got me. Then I feel exhausted for having to hide all those feelings and pretend I’m fine.

I feel angry that I’m on a low income when I have a bachelors degree, that the housing market is screwed up for any single person my age, so I have to sit in this tiny room with all the things people keep getting me that I don’t want.

I feel lonely in this town, where I have no friends, and I miss the people I lost, and I can’t really talk to anyone at all.

My job is supposed to be about helping people, so I can’t just break down. But I feel like I’ve got no one at all. Nobody knows I’m feeling like this, because there’s no one I can trust with these feelings.

I don’t have a plan or anything. I’m not in danger.

Life just feels so very burdensome. When I was younger I could hope for something different. But now, I feel like it doesn’t get better from here. I’ve had my heart too broken to trust. Everyone is settled into their own worlds and own relationships that don’t include me. Everything is so tasteless and colourless and flavourless that even if I had a nice life, I just can’t bring myself to enjoy anything anymore.

I’m so tired of having to support myself all alone in a world that sees me as another sponge to squeeze work and money out of. I’m so tired of the effort that has to go into existing, without even a best friend or SO to feel safe with and make it feel worth it. I’m just living for me, and I don’t like living. Living is irritating.

[HappyHelper88]

Hello Thank you for your post and welcome,

Im so sorry to hear about what your going through and whats happened 😞
Sometimes you can try everything but nothing works
I understand your angry and angry at the world and I was too but carrying all this anger everyday isn't good for you

Im so sorry that you feel you cant talk to anyone and that there is no one you trust 😞
Its never too late to build the life you had hoped for and never too late to heal

Living is hard but its all worth it for a few small joys which you will experience again one day please don't lose hope

Thank you for reaching out, have you thought about seeing someone like a psych or counsellor?

Alternatively If you would like to talk to someone, the Beyond Blue Support Service is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport 
One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

[BalticBlue]

Hi HappyHelper

thanks for taking the time to type out a reply.

I have thought about seeing a psych or counsellor. But I haven’t yet for a few reasons. First is not having the money, and the Medicare rebate not covering enough of the cost.

Second is that all three experiences I’ve had have been mediocre at best. First psych I had, I didn’t mesh with. Second time I saw a counsellor I was vulnerable with, just once, but it didn’t feel safe or right to me. Third time I tried to get help the GP got mad at me for not booking a longer appointment and told me I needed to go back and re-book for a longer session plus a bunch of other things, so I was like, nah, stuff it.

My work actually pays me to see a psych four times a year because of the nature of my job. But I don’t actually find it helpful at all.

I know I really need the help, probably. But what I also need is a safe person that exists outside of a professional relationship. I haven’t found that yet.

[Banksy92]

Hi BalticBlue,

I can see from your post you're hurting right now, and that you've been through quite a lot. Depression is such a draining condition, one that zaps our energy and hope... one that puts a different lens over the joys of life and makes it hard to enjoy ourselves. I have suffered deep bouts of depression in my life so I can relate.

First I just want to say it's really great to hear you've made big efforts in your life to try and manage your symptoms. A fitness routine is a great tool for endorphins and a sense of purpose. Nature is relaxing and grounding. Seeking professional help is also very good. I'm sorry you haven't had much luck yet in this area, but please keep in mind it often takes many people a few tries to find someone they gel with. I would definitely encourage you to try again so you can have a safe space with a professional to express yourself and build the tools to improve how you're feeling.

On a more immediate level, sometimes small actions can help move us through and shift the brain into a more positive and energised state. In some of my darkest hours, I have reached for a pen and paper from my bed (as it's all I could muster) to write a gratitude list. All the things in life I am thankful for. As small and simple as sunshine and clean drinking water, to bigger things like personal experiences and memories. Pushing ourselves to do this helps change the mindset. With practice it can really help. Just a suggestion.

Let us know how you're getting on.

[BalticBlue]

Thanks for replying Banksy.

I find that gratitude lists agitate me more than they help, so I don’t do those.

I do write sometimes though, about other stuff. Sometimes I do it until I’m exhausted, then I fall asleep and hope I wake up feeling better.

[jorj_kate]

Hey there,

Thank you for posting, I know how difficult it can be to write and express how you're feeling sometimes.

I can say I am in a similar boat, I know what it's like to feel joyless in life, that you're a zombie who just wakes up and exists in the world. Depression is exhausting and it's hard to go to work and do adult things, especially when you feel like no one is 'there' for you.

I originally took medication a few years ago, then switched to another one and they both made me feel horrible... I stopped it for a few years, went back and I'm finally on a medication that works for me (maybe it's worth giving another type a go?)

I just want you to know that you're not alone, and you are worthy of happiness! Somethings that I have found helpful on my journey:

- Not giving up: I went to so many counsellors feeling exhausted about telling each one the same thing until I found someone who actually listened to me and wanted to help me

- Listening to music to calm me down and make me have a serotonin boost when I feel like nothing matters anymore (Billie Eilish makes me feel powerful)

- Sparking conversations with strangers and being positive to them (I befriend my local barista from telling her I liked her earrings and completing my previous coffees, it makes me feel happy when she gets excited to see me, remembers my order and complements me)

- Connecting with my family regularly: I didn't have the best relationships with all of my family members growing up but sending cat memes/ tik toks to my sister has sometimes made me feel like I had someone else there + a purpose. If I didn't send her these hilarious videos, who else would make her laugh??

Hope you are doing well, let us know if there's anything else you want to chat about.

[BalticBlue]

Thanks jorj kate

I’m not really looking for more things to try, as it’s exhausting enough as it is, and I’ve already done enough stuff. I’m done with all that and all the strategies, they haven’t helped.

but I appreciate you caring enough to reply.

[BalticBlue]

Super sleepy all the time now. I’ve been wanting to go to bed since 6pm.

I’m supposed to be on holidays from work. I know I train a lot, but I’ve kept the same routine I’m in during work time. I shouldn’t be this tired.

It’s been like this for a week. I’ve got about five or six waking hours when I’m not exhausted - usually first up when I wake up. Then it kicks in.

I kind of like it though. I can escape when I sleep. And it means there’s less opportunity to be angry. The trade-off is I struggle with productivity. Even brushing my teeth feels hard.

[Guest_0682]

Sorry character count cut me if I’ll continue shortly

[Guest_0682]

I hear you very clearly!

everything sucks, there is no point in doing you feel alone in the middle of people. No one understand’s or is even interested in you. And if another one gives you good advise and a Programm to do you are gonna explode. No one gets it ! You can’t do anything. These are probably the thought’s going thru your mind.

When I was a child I looked just like any other. I observed and acted just normal to the observer. I had fun and sadness as usual. Just normal! But looking back I realised I was often alone not lonely just by myself. Lost in my play and thought’s. Growing up I had few close friends and only one at the time. I wanted to be part of a popular group but never quiet made it. Always just as far as the edges never in to the middle. People remarked on me questioning too many things and I became inconvenient. So I tried to do things to there liking to be fully accepted. But none of my attempt to fit in was authentic and ended up failing badly. I pretended and was found out. And as kids are I was stabbed and shunt often. Than I began to not trust people and isolate myself. I was on the outside! But according to the people I was a confident and strong person. No one suspected my deep sadness and venerability inside of me. I just felt like an outsider all the time. Finally in my early twenties I decided I look elsewhere and start all fresh without people knowing anything about me. So I traveled the world in search of a better place. Finally I ended up in Australia. Everything looked great new people new society no prejudice towards me all good. I got married all great. Until my parents announced there visit. Boy o boy did I freak out or not! And it was not because of my parents. All the old world came racing back into my life at once. I couldn’t cope. Lucky I knew a friend who is a psychologist and offered to help for free. Since I had no money this was great. It settled me by dealing with the small roots of my problem. But it left the cause pretty much in tact.
I now realise all I was doing is changing the external circumstances of my life in oder to find happiness. Well it did it work for me. Despite most people tattering on about the changes we must do and the way to do it etc. I wish it works for them. But hear we are again I just don’t fit!
I talk too much and ran out of character happy to continue if you want.