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Therapist dependency - Am I a bad client?
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My therapist made it clear we have issues with our professional relationship.
I came out from my first trip in a mental health ward and had a support worker who visited me twice every week and was there for me between these meet-ups. From then, I was transferred to a community mental health team and assigned a therapist who only saw me once a week.
I used to have breakdowns mid-week, and would attempt to call or email her and ask for calls for support. Most sessions, I was unable to speak truthfully due to anxiety, and would send clarifying messages after.
Overtime, she began to say my calls were not helpful, and overall gave off a vibe that I shouldn't call her. She was always busy, so I was very anxious to call.
Eventually, she said no to all texts and emails based around therapy, which had become my only way to communicate truthfully to her. I tried to suggest other options, like maybe some kind of personal chat room for our sessions (which were almost always calls during COVID times) but she said it wasn't allowed in any text format. She said it wasn't "therapeutic" and was crossing boundaries, even when it was me trying my hardest to be a helpful client.
I know I am dependent on her, and she said so too. I brought up the possibility of dependent personality disorder, but she didn't really...focus or continue that conversation. (Not diagnosed with it). She never really helped me understand my dependency, or work through why it was there, or come up with alternatives or anything. Is it my fault? Was I acting out of turn and being a bad client? Cause that's how I felt every time she told me my emails were out of line and ignored my texts trying to explain. Should she have focused more on trying to help me cope with these dependent emotions? I feel like she sort of just...cut me off. And maybe that's the only way, but it didn't help me to get over it at all.
This experience happened earlier this year, and since then I have only become more meek around her. I never say no or assert myself, I blame myself for everything the time. I never want to bother her, seeing her makes me want to cry. I feel so angry that this was allowed to go for so long, but I hate myself for feeling anything negative toward her. The whole thing has given me a LOT of self-loathing. We tried a new psychologist, and I immediately had the same problems.
Are there therapists who can help me deal with this specifically?
(Sorry for such a long post ;-; It's very complicated)
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Hi phoenix6,
Im sorry you are feeling this way I understand it must be difficult for you.
Would you try a new psychologist? Sometimes it takes a few tries until you find the correct one….
A clinical psychologist or a psychiatrist could diagnose if this is something your interested in?
Please feel free to tell me more about you and what your experiencing I’m here to listen.
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Dear Juliette~
I'd have to I do not think there is any such thing as a 'bad' client. Clients are not always people that fit neatly into time-slots, or can explain lucidly face to face - much though I'm sure that is all many very busy medical personnel can afford to give. It is by no means an unusual situation.
So I guess the first item on any agenda may be to try to assist you find alternative ways of dealing with crises wihtout attempting to contact the therapist. From what you say neither psychologist has done this. That does not make them bad psychologists, simply not the right ones to click with you.
It sounds as if your current situation is negative, being passive and afraid to upset your therapist is not an ideal way to be, and, as you say, makes you think the worst of yourself.
Could I suggest you go back to your referring GP and explain this problem? Maybe show your GP the post you have just written - it does explain things clearly. Then see if there are any other alternatives open to you. This might be another therapist, it might be s support group, an on-line course such as the Mindspot Clinic
https://www.mindspot.org.au/
or other avenues.
I'd also like to ask if you have any personal support, you mentioned family and a friend. It can be helpful just for them to be around and to talk wiht you about more general matters, rather than your intense feelings.
While there is no reason not to talk about them until they understand how you feel, then steering things away can help you as well as leave them feeling more satisfied and less frustrated or guilty.
What do you think?
Croix
,
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Hello Phoenix6
From the research I did when finding my Psychiatrist, it is rare for therapists to have sessions via email or text. My Psychiatrist (PDr) will accept text or email if it relates to billing or if I have to cancel a session - things like that. Then, at my next session, we'd talk about the issue in more detail, if necessary. On occasion I have left a message on his voice mail, but this was also about appointments, or issues with invoices/Medicare very rare indeed.
I've been to 4 different Psychiatrists. With 3 I had to leave messages with their secretaries.
I've heard people have emailed their therapists, sometimes frequently, & I understand that it's true, therapy cannot take place in this way. The direct communication between therapist & client/patient is vital. We communicate with each other using more than typed words. We use emotional expression, vocal inflections, facial & body language, all combined to create a whole dialogue of sight, sound & emotion. That's why telehealth is not ideal, & where possible it is much better for clients & therapists to meet in person.
I understand opening up to another person is something which causes a lot of anxiety. I question whether it is the anxiety that causes you to not be honest?
I get very nervous, have been unable to speak, then unable to say what I thought was the worst, or what sounded 'silly'. It took time & a lot of patience before I could speak more & say more. Sometimes I'd say something, not intending to lie, or be dishonest, but what I'd said was not accurate, or plain wrong. I took time thinking about it, asking myself why did I say that? & there is generally a reason.
If I'd jumped on the phone or email & tried to make it right immediately , not waiting for the next week's sessions, I might never have worked this out for myself.
Now I am glad of my once a week, (unless he's away) sessions. It gives me time to work through things we have said, how I've felt as well. It sure can be difficult, though.
May I suggest, whether you see someone else or when you see the current therapist, you ask to please explain about the boundaries & what you can & cannot expect from therapy & your therapist. My PDr was very clear about these things,& even so, we sometimes have to speak again about them.
These rules you & your therapist agree to are there to benefit both you & therapist, primarily to keep the relationship professional.
All the best,
mmMekitty
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Hello Phoenix, being the patient in a situation like this is very traumatic, and much has been said, so basically, it's not up to you to blend in with the therapist, if this happened then nothing would be achieved, they have to understand the problems you are trying to overcome and if they are unable to do this, then suggest someone else.
You are seeking their help and you can't perform to how they want you to, once again this is only putting a bandaid on the problem, it's up to them to work out the problem.
Best wishes.
Geoff.
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I know that in person is better, but at the time, in person just meant me sobbing the entire time and unable to say any of my actual concerns. When i texted, it was because i did have time to think and work out my emotions and could write it out properly. I knew in session, I would be so scared to talk about it.
i don't know....it was probably a mistake posting this.
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Hey...Ur not messing it up imo.
Something isn't working...blaming urself might mean honestly that u need to love urself and practise self care. I see no fault of Ur own. U can't mess up therapy. It's their job to make unfeel safe and OK. Some of them don't do this,
Re dependence...ppl talk about attachment styles, and some therapist could help with this. But imo they should understand why we get needy or dependent. It's part of the process, especially if we've had a Trauma background, don't be too hard on urself x
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that's what i thought..i thought therapists were meant too help me feel better. overall, I felt worse after every session for a whole year. and that's when i started thinking it was my fault. because she says she's got plenty of clients, and i can't imagine every one of them would stay, so it must just be me.
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