I feel like I'm officially losing all control of myself.

Claire_4 · ‎16-01-2023

I've been feeling pretty down these last couple of weeks and honestly, I don't really even know why. I've just been extra sensitive to everything, I'd feel upset, annoyed, angry, hurt way to easily. Things that should only make me a little upset, make me feel like my heart has been ripped from my chest. My emotions just go straight to the extremes. last night I was meant to go on a dinner date with my partner, but he cancelled it because he was too tired from work. And that's fair enough, he does work a lot. but this dinner date had literally been the only thing that had helped me get through the week. Not necessarily the date itself, more so just seeing him again, because whenever i see him i know everything's going to be alright, and I'm going to be okay. And i just really needed that. I don't really know exactly what it was but i felt like something in me just broke. and i was just so over thing and everyone and life. I grabbed some alcohol and started drinking. I was also messaging my friend at the time and she decided to come over and drink with me. but by the time she got there i was already intoxicated. I could pretend and say i didn't realise how much i was drinking but in all honesty i knew exactly what i was doing. I only remember snippets, but at some point my friend had left and messaged my partner, who came straight away. He told me this morning what had happened and i pretended like i didn't remember but i remember trying to hurt myself, all while crying my heart and soul out, I don't think I've ever allowed myself to feel the full extent of the hurt vie carried with me throughout the years, but I've never felt this much intense emotionally pain before, it was a whole other level. and he struggled to keep me from hurting my self, you couldn't have said anything that would have stopped me. I don't remember when i stopped but at some point i was just laying there on the shower floor, soaked, surrounded by my vomit, laying so still. and I could hear my partner telling me to get up, trying to get me to stay conscious. he then decided to call the ambulance. I am okay now but I've never done this before. I need someone's perspective, and help to analyse what happened and help me get clarity. What is happening to me.

Sophie_M · ‎16-01-2023

Hey Claire_4,

We can hear it's been a really difficult night. Thank you for sharing this here - we know it's not easy to share this, but it can be a really powerful step towards feeling better.

We think it would be a really good time to talk to someone about what you’re going through. We’ve reached out to you privately to offer some support. If you'd like to reach the team directly, you can call or webchat the Beyond Blue Support Service on 1300 22 4636 - we'd love to hear from you. You could also speak to a GP, or any existing mental health support you might be connected with.

We think it's really great that you could share here, and you never know who will feel less alone because of your post. Thank you, Claire_4.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

therising · ‎18-01-2023

Hi Claire

I feel for you so deeply as you face one of the most challenging times of your life. I'm so glad you've got support around you. I hope they're trying to help you analyse the hell out of everything. Nothing worse than people shutting down our deep soulful need to make sense of things.

'Breaking point', a 'breakdown' or a 'breakthrough', what all 3 have in common is separation. This is what I've found, based on my own experience. A 'break' separates life before it and life after it. I think it's what we learn from it that is key. For example: We may have been an intense people pleaser the whole of our life, maybe without fully realising. You can feel happy pleasing everyone, making everyone's life easier. Then there comes a time where you no longer feel so happy being a people pleaser. Gradually waking up to the fact that being this way means always putting yourself last while you suppress heartbreak and while you try managing people telling you how selfish you are in a number of soul destroying ways is a tough thing to become more conscious of. But you keep going, you keep pleasing while managing the brutal inner dialogue that dictates 'Why can't you make everyone happy? What's wrong with you?' etc etc.

Breaking point = 'I can't do this anymore!!!'. A breakdown can follow, which can involve breaking down everything that's led up to this point. Seeing all the depressing moments, all the things and people that have led you to feel so sad is incredibly confronting and can feel overwhelmingly depressing. Then there's the breakthrough, when you realise you're seeing how incredibly hard you've worked when it comes to bringing pleasure and ease to others. And here it comes...the major revelation...'Why does no one appear to work this hard for me? I deserve better'. With there being so many facets to who we are, suddenly our intolerant sense of self may been born. Happy birthday! While a new part of us may be coming to life, the 'labour pains' can be incredibly brutal.

Same thing happens every time a highly significant new facet of me comes to life: Breaking point, breakdown and breakthrough. In the lead up, I become deeply depressed. Btw, my intolerant facet is sassy, a serious boundary setter and can be fueled by rage (kept under control by the sage in me). She's a feisty one and a fierce protector of the heart.