Scared of my thoughts

[Ely_]

I don't know what to do.

I have been fighting increasing self harm and sui thoughts. As with a lot of people the holiday season is difficult, as is having to be around certain people at family events for christmas. Tonight I am finding really hard as it is now 15 years since I was finally able to leave my ex, and that 'world' behind. It is unbelievable to me that 15 years ago tonight my life changed so much, and I can't even remember what occurred to make it happen.

I have been attempting to stay distracted (this is my usual strategy). It is not working very well. For about 12 months I have been emotionally disconnected except for at times of stress. So at the moment I am not really used to feeling, and when things are coming up my instinct is to push them away however I can. It's not working though. None of my skills/strategies are helping. So my brain is turning to 'what else can work?'

I have been repeatedly delaying. Thinking about my dogs, reminding myself of protective factors. I really don't want to let everyone down. Probably the thing that has stopped me. 

I'm so lost and confused in my own head, and so frustrated with myself. The intensity of the urge to harm is the strongest it has been in months, and I haven't had the other thoughts like this in over a year. 

I hate my brain.

[therising]

Hi Ely

My heart goes out to you as you face one of the most challenging and tormenting times in your life. Can definitely feel heartbreaking and depressing when we feel like we're going it alone, within such a time. I'm so glad you came here.

I can't help but wonder whether you find yourself facing a number of leading questions, questions that are leading to some type of constructive mind altering set of revelations. Through my own experience with depression, I've found the nature of mind altering leading questions to involve them beginning with what feels incredibly depressing at times. So there's a completely understandable level of avoidance based on not wanting to feel what's depressing. The 'solution' can come to mind as 'Focus on everything that's not depressing'. It's the nature of leading questions to nag and nag at you 'til you finally face them, 'til you just can't tolerate not facing them.

I suppose an example of a leading question would be 'Why do I feel so empty?'. While depressing, it's a valid question. It has the potential to lead to 'What is it that actually gives me a sense of joy?'. The potentially depressing answer could be 'Nothing. Absolutely nothing', which can lead to 'Why can't I feel joy? Why do I feel such hopelessness?'. It's at this point where things can take a turn, depending on how open our mind is. If we've been led to believe there's something 'wrong' with us if we can't feel joy or hope, our mind may remain closed and fixed around such depressing beliefs. If our mind springs open through such a period of questioning (on our quest for greater self understanding), what may naturally enter into such an open mind is 'Who in your life is leading you to feel joy and hope?'. The revelation may be 'No one, I have no significant leaders/guides in my life' which can lead to 'What the hell is wrong with the people around me? Why do they not feel the need to do everything possible to lead me to feel a sense of joy and hope?'. The revelation, 'Oh my gosh, it's them and not me!'. While this is a super quick conclusion to reach in one paragraph, can actually take years to come to such a conclusion. The conclusion is reached based on the somewhat depressing yet valid leading question. If 'Why do I feel so empty?' was never asked to begin with, such a revelation could not be reached.

[Ely_]

Hi therising,

Thanks for your reply. I am aware of the 'cause' of my emptiness / emotional detachment and dissociation. I have CPTSD, autism, bpd, and a couple other flavours thrown in. Sometimes part of it is emptiness and no amount of strategies or 'skills' can help. Other times it has been feeling too much. 

I have become extremely good at filling my day with things to try to keep my mind so busy that it has no time to think. No chance for intrusive thoughts. Well that has been the plan anyway. I am not always successful at that. 

I am not feeling as worried as I was. On one hand that's good, because I am not having the intensity of thoughts I was. The thing that concerns me at the moment is my lack of worry for if it happens again. That is not like me. A part of me is kind of 'what will be will be'. Kind of like passive si, but towards my own thoughts. 

I wish I could be more normal in just one part of my life. That I didn't have to think about another maybe 50 years like this. 

[Grizzle Bears]

Hi Ely, from my lived experience I believe my thoughts can’t hurt me. And yours can’t hurt you, unless you make a plan to self harm and then act on that plan. I’m relieved for you to hear that these thoughts have ‘eased’. I’m also glad to hear that you are not worried if it happens again. I try to stay in the ‘present’ and not look too far ahead. If my current moment isn’t great, I know that a ‘better’ moment will arrive at some stage. So keep hanging on. Life is worth ‘living’ because once you’re dead there’s no hope of ‘clearer skies’. Last question is ‘What’s normal’? You appear more ‘normal’ to me than a lot of humans I know. Also, I feel tremendously overwhelmed thinking I’ve gotta live at least 30 years with managing my anxiety and depression. So I continually work on reframing my thinking. I have a ‘busy brain’ and am learning to sit in ‘stillness’ rather than keeping myself super busy. My challenge for 2023 is to feel more comfortable with this practice. Be kind to you and try to do stuff that used to bring you some joy. 

[therising]

Hi Ely

That is so much to manage, so many different facets to yourself. Such incredible hard work to be managing so much, including the depressing and anxiety inducing aspects that come with it all.

I've found, in managing depression at times and fairly low key anxiety compared to some, one of the most productive mantras has come down to 'I cannot help but wonder why I tick the way I do'. Such a mantra has managed to replace 'What's wrong with me?!', a torturous kind of question or more so statement that had come to mind so often for so many years.

I cannot help but wonder why I am so emotionally detached at times or, at other times, why I'm so easily triggered to feeling so much. I came to realise it's in my nature and at times for good reason. I've come to wonder how many facets to me there is and where they came from, how they are either natural or manufactured in some way through some of the belief systems others have taught me to believe in. So much to wonder about and work towards when the goal is greater self understanding. So much hard work at times.

It would be nice to imagine someone one day knocking at the front door proclaiming to know exactly who I am. They'd tell me everything I need to know, while directing me toward so many revelations that would be downright liberating. In the meantime, if feels on occasion that it all unfolds at a snail's pace in certain painful ways.

I think, being there for each other in the unfolding of it all is in some ways comforting.

[therising]

Hi Ely

Was just thinking 'I wish I could hear the sage in me more clearly at times'. Would make life easier on occasion. Wish I could hear that part of me more clearly saying 'You're going into analytical mode. You need to be careful'. I have been known to shift modes pretty easily. How does my husband so eloquently put it? 'You're up and down like a dunny seat'. Charming. A comment you can really feel. In the 20+ years we've been together, I've not once heard him say 'Let's analyse this together'. This is not a complaint, just an interesting revelation. I've already moved through and beyond the depressing nature of such a revelation.

If I really tapped into the sage in me, it'd probably advise 'Every time you go into analytical mode, you end up becoming depressed because what you're analysing is depressing. If your intention is to analyse the hell out of everything, expect to find hell in the process of getting rid of it'. Sometimes it just doesn't seem fair, wanting to improve your life and yourself, evolve in a number of ways, yet face a kind of hell in the process. Why can't we just jump straight into 'heaven on earth' mode?

It's not just the analysing, it's feeling what you're analysing too. For example, if what you're analysing is 'Why does no one seem to be able to make a difference to me?', you might come to realise they're not searching hard enough to make that difference, which can lead to 'Why does no one appear to care enough about me to make a difference? Why aren't they searching as hard as I am? Am I not worth the search?', which can lead to 'Why am I so worthless (worth less)?'. This can lead to 'Fine, if I'm not worth it, I'm just going to switch off from you all!'. Of course, emotional detachment can't go on forever because it eventually becomes depressing. Can feel like you're damned if you do and damned if you don't (feel your way through life).

I wish life came with a warning. Might sound a little like 'Coming to truly know yourself will be the hardest thing you will ever have to do'.