Ending my life but not suicide

[Blooming_gloomy]

I just want my pain to end

I'm tired of trying to numb the pain

I am tired of drinking myself to sleep every night

I'm tired of that deep hole in my heart weighing me down

I want to die without killing myself

I just wish my physical pain would drown out my mental pain 

I've literally had the shittest luck in life.

Sexually abused for years as a young child.

Never been in a relationship.

Every guy in my life has told me I'm not good enough.

I dropped out of school because I got sick.

I'm bedridden most days with an unknown illness.

The people I used to be close with have got busy lives and I feel like a burden when I talk to them.

It's just me and my problems and my heavy heart!

[white knight]

Hi welcome

Thankyou, thankyou. So deep, so apt and so courageous. There is light at the end of the tunnel. If you feel like it, type on, tell us more.

SOCIETY OF SAND

I’m sitting in a desert

Upon sand of friend and foe

Can’t find a piece of turf

Where I cannot stand on toes

I collect a handful of grain

Then watch as it escapes

Just like some friendships

A barren temporary landscape

I create my own oasis

By weeping on a weed

But the sand around me laughs

Cause it doesn’t have a need

Till lately it be the friends

That helped me walk the land

They holding me up under my feet

-supportive grains of sand

I begin to sink so slowly

As they gather my precious hide

The quick sand laughing so loud

A kind man says goodbye

And as I become one of ‘them’

My heart now granuled and dry

I try to weep to water the weed

But sand has no means to cry

Damn it! I struggle so

Be damned if I be like them

I crawl out of the society of sand

To remain the man I am…

TonyWK

[therising]

Hi Blooming_gloomy

My heart goes out to you as you continue to face deep heartache that comes from having met those who exhibit some of the worst and most depressing aspects of human nature. The fact that a survivor has to manage the behaviour of others is so incredibly unfair and it's a sad fact that often enrages me.

I believe those who tell us we're not good enough are ignorant fools. It can be in their nature to ignore; to ignore seeing or finding the best in us, ignore bringing out the best in us and ignore their own depressing arrogance and self righteousness. I won't sugar coat it - as I've said to my 17yo son and 20yo daughter before 'You know when you're in the presence of an a-hole because they do pretty much nothing but spout poop. The fact that they do so is always questionable. For some reason they just cannot feel or see the need to evolve beyond who they are'. Being a gal who's in the process of mastering better understanding my feelings, I can feel the arrogance of others and, with the help of heartache, feel that cue to detach from them. While heartache can be so painful, it still remains a cue that prompts me to explore and/or detach from people who I shouldn't remain connected to in such a painful and destructive way. Sensitive people have the ability to easily sense heartbreaking arrogant fools who spout poop. It's a talent that can feel more like a curse at times.

The body's an incredible thing. It can be so telling in the ways it speaks to us. If you've been to see doctors about the physical challenges you face and they've told you 'I don't know what this is', not good enough. It's their job to know. So many energy systems in the body - nervous system, vascular, muscular etc. Have some or all systems been chronically exhausted/fatigued through all the undeniable stress you've faced in life? Are some of those systems still holding stress that needs to be released, especially with it having become so intolerable? Is one or more system not producing the right kind or amount of chemical energy (chemistry), the kind/amount that's going to serve you best? So many things to wonder about. A doctor who ceases to be wonderful is ready for retirement. Have you considered traditional medicine such as Chinese medicine, a field that works specifically with the nature and behaviour of energy?