I don’t want to hurt anymore

[Ash-H]

I’m so sick of hurting. It’s always just one challenge after another. Nothing in my life has been easy. I’ve worked so hard to survive the pain. I try and do all of the recommended stuff, I try and take care it myself, I reach out and connect with loved ones, I try to attempt hobbies, I read books, listen to podcasts, I journal, I’m medicated, I have a psychologist. I do all the right things and nothing works. I’m always hurting. I always have this undercurrent of sadness. No matter what I try it’s always there. Im so tired of being sad. Im so tired of hurting. Im so tired of everything being hard. I just want the pain to go away but im too scared to take it away. 

[therising]

Hi Ash

The endurance it takes, the determination and the continued sense of hope that has to be managed, while finding everything that doesn't work, is what makes those who suffer so much such incredible people, sometimes the hardest working people in the world.

When all the recommended stuff doesn't work, it can kind of leave you feeling like you're just too 'broken' to be 'fixed'. If it helps, a lot of what I find that makes a difference to me is more so outside the square. So, you could say I'm just not an inside the square kinda gal. Yes, that makes me weird but I've come to wear my 'weird' label as a badge of honour, as I honour my natural self and what works for me when it comes to managing depression.

Weird to think 'I can feel everything that's depressing'. So, while that feeling could be seen as a curse, it's weird to think of it as an ability. If you lined up 20 people in front of me, I could feel the one depressing person out of the 20. They may simply have said something like 'You're too sensitive, you need to toughen up' or 'You need to stop over analysing everything and just get on with life'. You know, all that kind of stuff.

Getting a feel for what's depressing and soul destroying is definitely far from easy at times. There have been times where it's just about done my head in. While some things can be mentally depressing (such as destructive beliefs put into our head starting from an early age or not having been taught the best and most amazing skills for managing life), there can be some physically depressing factors at play too. 'What the hell is wrong with me?' turned out to be a depressing level of sleep apnea on one occasion and a depressing b12 deficiency on another occasion. A lack of dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin and all that other happy exciting chemistry can also cover physical factors. And then there's all the natural soulful or soul destroying kind of stuff. So, you could be doing all the right things mentally and physically with nothing fueling your soul or you could be doing all the things that can fuel your mind and soul but if the chemical energy from good quality sleep is missing (like with sleep apnea, for example) you'll feel that depressing lack of physcial/chemical energy. If your chemistry's 'normal' and your trying to fuel your soul in some way, there can still be mental blocks in the way. This can help explain the mind/body/spirit or soul connection a lot of people talk about.

Sometimes it's a matter of 'What's the best recipe?'. With a dash of going to the gym (physical therapy), it has to be the right gym, with the right work out or work up. With a dollop of speaking to someone (talk therapy), it has to be the best person to speak to, under the circumstances we face. With a sprinkling of taking a walk in nature, it has to be precisely the right natural environment and with an ounce of inspiration, it has to be the kind that can be felt at some deep level. Sometimes it's just not enough to simply go to a gym, speak to someone, take a walk or settle for what feels 'okay' or 'better than nothing'. Such hard work, getting a feel for all the right things.

[Gizmo6]

Hi Ash,

I could have written that myself. 
It is exactly how I’m feeling and going through/ have been going through for a long time.

I’m sorry that I can’t say anything to help you, except for you to know that you’re not alone in this experience.