I don't know where to go, which way to turn. I only see one realistic way out.

[Fade2black]

Hi,

This may be theraputic. Dunno. I don't talk with anyone. I am approaching the greatest crisis point of my miserable life. 4 years ago, my wife of 15 years and I bought our first house, with a large mortgage. 'Twas made possible by the generosity of my mother who basiacally 'advanced' me part of my inheritance. It was a dumb move. We've had a troubled relationship due to never truly being 'in love'. First child was very early in our relationship. Second was a combo of trying to save our flailing relationship, and so our oldest wouldn't be on his own when things fell apart. I'm not without fault, I know. Wife is a control freak with bad anger. So I go along with stuff just to keep the peace. Because I didn't want to ever miss a moment with my kids. We're both bad with money. On the few occasions I've managed to save, she's found it and drained it. Last time was about 3 years ago. Didn't say anything either to keep the peace or because I'm a coward. Both. She would somehow lay the blame at my feet. I was diagnosed with depression years ago & put on meds. I eventually stopped the meds accidentally and felt a fog lift. The diagnosis surprised me as I've always felt how I've felt.

Two years into the mortgage, we separated. But remained under the same roof. Earlier this year she had a life-threatening medical episode that has her re-evaluating life, and wanting us out from the same roof. Either sell or rent out the house. Some news yesterday about her life expectancy (which she will not share with me) has seen that come to a head.

I've never been driven or decisive. And this is my downfall. I'm $10k in credit card debt. No savings. An average-wage level job. If I had to move out, I'd be sleeping in my car.

Our mid-teen daughter wants to live with me. The ex accepts this, but flew off the handle at me for 'swanning around pretending to be the perfect parent', and throwing my mistakes from over a decade ago in my face. I don't think this is true - I'm just nowhere near as strict, impatient or demanding as she is. When she mentioned the life expectancy thing, it was about wanting to be sure our kids would be fine in the future. The only reason I'm still breathing is the kids. This life expectancy stuff has thrown a spanner in my works: it makes my ultimate solution impossibly harder because I can't leave my kids facing the prospect of not having either parent. So, I'm stuck here.

I'm the epitome of an abject failure. I have no idea how I can see this through.

[Sophie_M]

 
Hi Fade2black,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums. We hope that you’ve felt some relief after sharing your thoughts and feelings here. It must have been very exhausting to try to keep the peace as you mentioned when deep down you were experiencing a lot of challenges with your marriage. Putting your own needs and feelings second in order to ensure you can remain present in your children’s lives takes a great deal of strength.  The news of your ex partners life threatening medical condition, in addition to experiencing financial hardship must also make things feel even more so overwhelming for you. Please know that you're not alone in this.
 
It sounds like while you care very deeply for your family it can be difficult to find the time and energy to support yourself and focus on your own needs. We hope you feel comfortable enough here to talk through how to keep moving forward despite how difficult things seem at the moment.
 
You may also wish to reach out to Lifeline (13 11 14 / https://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/Online-Services/crisis-chat ) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467 / https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/need-to-talk/  ) to talk through any tough moments.
 
Check back in whenever you feel up to it, our community is here for you.
 
 

[Fade2black]

Thankyou. I'm guessing it may be the start of being theraputic maybe. I had no problem writing it. But I was reading your reply, at my desk at work, and tears just started literally pouring down my face. I haven't experienced that since...hell....I don't know. It was weird. So now I'm trying to hide my face from my team.

[Sophie_M]

It’s great to hear back from you Fade2black. We are sorry that you feel as if you have to hide from your team at the moment. Is there someone at your workplace that can hold some space for you while you process these emotions? We understand that it can be difficult to confide in a colleague about your personal matters, so if you do not feel comfortable doing so we hope you can take a bit of a break to work through what you’re currently feeling. You mentioned you haven’t experienced these emotions in a while, do you often feel like you cannot openly express yourself?

It sounds like you’ve been carrying some heavy emotions and feelings for some time now which may be why it feels so easy to write here, a safe place to unload your thoughts. We hope you can allow yourself some space to acknowledge the efforts you've made to reach out for support today. While it may take some time for our community to respond, feel free to share anything else that is on your mind.
 

[Croix]

Dear Fade2black~

In the midst of your ditifficulties the fact your teen-age daughter wants to live with you is a wonderful thing.

[Croix]

The internet swallowed my post before I finished -sigh.

The face she wants to be with you points out you have not been the father accused of by your wife, but someone of moderation, love and care.

Your wife, even with the pressure of health, does not sound in the same category.

May I ask how your youngest feels?

It is obvious you live for them and housing, debt and similar troubles will get sorted in time. As a start you have a job.

Sophie has given you some excellent links to try, I'd add financial counseling by a charitable institution such as Anglicare who gain no advantage and will have a surprising number of techniques and resources. I can't see you ending up in your car.

They can also point you at someone who can help you know waht to expect and do on separation. While I do not wish to sound unfeeling a proper knowledge of you wife's condition is necessary.

You should not be alone in doing this, apart from the above do you have anyone to give you (and maybe the kids) personal support? A family member or friend who will just listen and care? It takes being alone away.

I look forward to talking with you again

Croix

[Fade2black]

Well, years and years of passive/aggressive emotional abuse directed at me have taken a sinister turn.

Xmas day was lunch at her sister's (I wasn't invited), and dinner at my sister's 150kms away (neither she or my son wanted to go). So it was me & my daughter. I wanted to leave at a certain time, ex wanted an hour later because apparently if we went to my sister's for lunch, we wouldn't leave before this time. That hadn't happened on Xmas day for a few years.

And I said I'd swing by her sister's to pick up my daughter.

Anyway. I was home, alone on Xmas day for a bunch of hours. I let the clock tick 20 mins or so past. Car loaded, I messaged my daughter asking if she was ready to be picked up. If she wasn't quite ready, I was just gonna drive aimlessly for a while. Hell, it's better than sitting at home.

My daughter replied to say they were about two blocks away on their way home. Cool. The ex got out, and said the conversation all along was that she would drop her home. This most definitely was not part of the conversation.

Anyway, son gives me a hug, and we leave.

Home next afternoon, son is not home. No shock there. But his work bag's not in its usual spot, and a suitcase is missing. I'm told nothing.

Next arvo I msg son, asking where he is. He's at his cousin's (about 3hrs away) and will be back the following day.

Next morning, ex actually speaks to me. Tells me son will be home and to give him a wide berth. Coz he's furious with me. She reckons he's peeved that I 'wrecked Xmas' by planning on leaving maybe 30mins earlier than ex wanted. And with me 'going behind her back' to text my daughter about being picked up, which is hogwash.

She also told him about an incident with my best friend a few years ago. The truth of this incident, and my reaction to it, have both become ridiculously distorted and littered with outright lies. But it's why, to quote her as she got into full anger mode, '(son) wants to smash your face in!'

He has not spoken to me at all when he has been home.

She has successfully poisoned my son against me. She is on holidays but working from home. I fear she will start working on my daughter.

If this happens, that's it for me. I've already picked out where and how.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Fade2black,

We're so sorry to hear that you are having these difficulties with the relationships within your family. We're concerned about your wellbeing, so we are getting in touch with you privately to offer some extra support.

If these problems are starting to feel too painful and difficult to manage that you're having suicidal thoughts and feelings, there are things you can do to help you get through. It's important to keep yourself safe - we'd recommend that you consider making a safety plan. You can do this at our page, “Create your Beyond Now safety plan” - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning/create-beyondnow-safety-...


It's also important to remember that relationships and circumstances are always changing, and if your relationship with your son is not where you'd like it to be, it doesn't mean that things will always be this way. If you are interested, you can get in touch with an organisation called Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277 to find out if there are some ways they could provide you with some support. They provide relationship support services for individuals, families and communities and aim to support all people in Australia to achieve positive and respectful relationships.

Thanks for reaching out here today and letting us know how you're going. It sounds like it's been a really difficult few days and we hope that you can find some comfort this evening.