I don’t know what to do

[elstacey_]

I recently turned 20 and I have been spiralling since, worrying about growing older, what i’m going to do with my life, scared of ending up alone. I just can’t imagine feeling like this for the rest of my life and i have been thinking about suicide a lot lately, i dont think i would ever do it because i have lots of siblings and I would never do anything to hurt them, but constantly thinking about wanting to be dead is so draining, but i truly do not know how to help myself. I feel like such a loser, go to work, come home, rot in bed playing videos games, repeat, I feel like im not doing enough.  I try and eat enough food, i tried to exercise, i tried meditation and positive affirmations and I just end up slipping back into old habits. Im a broke uni student, i live at home but i pay for my own necessities, i cannot afford to regularly see a therapist. 

[therising]

Hi elstacey_

Twenty is such an incredibly tough age, incredibly tough. It was an age where I entered into long term depression, without knowing why I felt the way I did. In hindsight, as a 53yo gal, I can now see how things played out. From my journey and triggers into depression, through it, out of it and my episodes in depression since, I've come to make sense of a lot of it. I feel for you so much as you face what feels like the toughest time in your life to date. I hope what I offer makes some difference to you.

Just a few of many factors that can make life incredibly tough

1. While spending most of our young life being told what to do, we're given direction: What to wear, what schools we're going to, how to speak (in the way of manners, conscious consideration etc), who we can or can't be friends with, what to eat and the list goes on. So, now that direction has lessened in a lot of ways, the question becomes 'How do I direct myself, now that my parents (aka guides) aren't doing it so much?'. The big question, 'Where is my skill set for self direction?'. Strange to think but most of us aren't given such a skill set. We're more so left to wing it as we go along. The challenge becomes about developing a skill set. Knowing what skills would best serve us can require some guidance/help from others
2. While we can spend most of our life feeling, the question could be 'How do or can I feel effectively, in ways that serve me?'. Personally, I always thought feelings were just 'things' that we experienced. There were good and bad feelings, happy and depressing feelings and so on. It wasn't until the last handful of years that I came to see feelings as being a part of a 'compass' of sorts. Getting a feel for things can help determine when things are heading south and what our own true north feels like. For example, while things were heading south for me in retail when I was 20, I felt my own true north when I began working in the care industry. And while sitting in front of Netflix for too long when I don't know what else to do has the feel of things going south, when I achieve things outside of the lounge room, I can feel the difference, a change in direction. With all the strategies you're employing, it sounds like you're trying to get a feel for what works and what doesn't. It's definitely tough when some things only work under certain conditions and not all conditions. At times it becomes about developing next level skills
3. A depressing lack of guidance can be...well...depressing. While 'Completely and utterly lost with no sense of soulful direction' definitely has a feel to it, so to does 'Finding exactly the right kind of guidance from exactly the right kind of guide'. In hindsight, I can see what I shouldn't have settled for in the way of a lack of guidance. It was the kind of stuff like 'You should be able to work that out for yourself at your age' (aka being left alone to work things out), 'You're too sensitive, you need to toughen up' (aka 'While you have the ability to sense, you gotta suppress that as opposed to mastering it, making it your super power'), 'You need to do something with your life' (aka 'Let me give you a direction so vague to the point where it does your head in') etc etc.

With the old 'angel on one shoulder, devil on the other' saying, I've found it pays to listen to 'divine guidance'. Whether that's coming from your inner sage or something else, I imagine what you're hearing is along the lines of 'You need help and a sense of direction. You can't keep living like this'. It's also important to determine what our hellish harsh inner critic sounds like. At times I find it can sound like 'You're hopeless. You're lazy. You're good for nothing. Why are you even here?'. It's a nasty, brutal and depressing thing. It's a facet that can definitely have us feeling like things are heading south, into a depression. Btw, just because you can't see your future, doesn't mean you can't develop the seer in you. Is there someone you know who can help stretch/exercise your imagination, your vision? It needs to be someone who can help you see what you can relate to. I find if I can't relate to something, I just can't see it.

[Siena_Rose]

Hi elstacey_,

I’m so sorry to hear you are feeling like “is this all there is?”. As a young person it is difficult to imagine your life in ten years - what will it look like - and how on earth you are going to get there. The answer is fairy steps. If you haven’t already seen a doctor about managing depression, this is a really good start. Give them the full picture so they can help you properly (don’t hold back!). The next fairy step is making one tiny positive change in your day. Maybe this is walking to work instead of bussing, or get off a few stops early to get a bit of a walk in. After a week, make another tiny change. It doesn’t have to be overwhelming. Maybe one week you could move your video suite into a different room so that bedtime can be purely for relaxing, reading or catching up with your socials. If you like your job, make one little change to make yourself better at it. Learn ways to advance in your work (whether it’s study or training courses). Job satisfaction is so important-is good for your self esteem. My go to is nature (that’s why I mentioned walking to work). There are plenty of studies now that show people are happier if they have daily access to outdoors, especially greenery/parks/ocean/trees. Good luck and good on you for reaching out on this forum - you’ve already taken the first step. Allow yourself hope. You are worthy of every happiness life has to offer.