I don't know what to do

[Amelia_]

I don't really have anyone close to me, and I came to this site just so I can say something honest somewhere. I moved to Australia at the beggining of high school, and I'll be doing my HSC next year. Since year 7, I never had any friends I felt close to, even growing up in India. Things got so much worse in year 7, I was basically bullied for being headstrong and opinionated. I wasn't perfect, but I never did anything to hurt anyone. I started faking having friends, and lied about having friends outside of school because I didn't want to be as pathetic as I was. The more I pretended not to be alone, the lonelier I got. No  matter how well I do in school, even now, it doesn't feel enough. I have good grades? doesn't matter, I'm not at the top of my year in every subject. I have so many dreams, so many goals, but everyday they feel more and more unachievable. I don't know if I even deserve to get a good atar. I started self harming in year 9, my parent's found out then, and they got mad at me and got cold towards me. A year later, I had a breakdown in front of my drama teacher and told her everything. There were phone calls home, and after a lot of fights I got to go see a phsychologist. I thought that would help, but I didn't. I realised that I couldn't be honest, that I didn't feel comfortable with the psychologist largely because she was a middle aged Indian woman who reminded me too much of my mother. I felt pathetic. I acted my way out of that, and now I am lost. I avoid my teacher, I avoid my friends, and I just try to get on with it. I have self harmed since then, not because I want to, but because I feel like I would loose my mind if I don't. I want to make close friends, but I don't know how. I want to be normal, but at the same time I don't. Sometimes I just feel like I'm faking everything for attention. I don't know what to do, becuse I don't know what I want. 

[Bob_22]

Hi Amelia_,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing your story so candidly. It sounds like it has been a tough few years for you and I can't imagine what it's been like having to adjust moving to a different country on top of that.

Through your words I definitely feel the sense of loneliness you are describing and the struggle with self harm. It is very tough to have few friends, especially in high school which is a very social environment. I know you can focus on your studies but as you mentioned it is very hard without good support. What are your dreams/aspirations? ATAR and HSC seems like a big deal in high school but it doesn't mean much afterward. It's definitely important but try not to let it consume you like it did to me. I did well in school but that hasn't helped me much in life at all. Mental health is more important. 

If you aren't comfortable speaking with your psychologist about your isolation/self harm I would definitely recommend speaking with the school counsellor then if that is more comfortable. If not, headspace (mental health clinic for young people) is also a great option and you can easily rock up or call into your closest centre here: https://headspace.org.au/headspace-centres/ 

I would recommend checking out the online group chats they hold at headspace as well. They're pretty regular and can give you a sense a community as well. 

https://headspace.org.au/online-and-phone-support/join-the-community/chats-by-peers/ 

Self harm is a difficult thing to break but I have heard that distraction is generally the best strategy. Things like music, reading, art, mindfulness, exercise, journaling, talking to someone seem to be the most popular. If you need to have a chat to someone or are having negative thoughts please talk to one of the counsellors here at beyond blue online or over the phone: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/talk-to-a-counsellor 

There's other advice I'd like to give but it's tough with word limit. Let me know if you have any questions and please keep us updated.

Bob

[sbella02]

Amelia, 

I can feel your pain through your post, and my heart hurts for you. Thank you so much for your bravery in reaching out, that's a tough thing to do, and we warmly welcome you to the forums as Bob has said.

One thing I've realised, which you may have heard before, is that bullying doesn't have anything to do with us, as much as the insults, teasing, and attacks may feel deeply personal. Bullying stems from the fears and insecurities of the people perpetuating it rather than traits of victims of bullying. It may not offer you all the comfort you're after, but it's still a good thing to keep in mind. Bullying is never your fault.

I think I was also around year 9 when I first had thoughts of self-harming. Year 9, from what I've gathered from a range of different people, is one of the hardest times in school, made worse if you've recently moved schools or joined a new cohort of people. This doesn't diminish your suffering at all, but it may help to explain your thoughts a little better and let you know that it's not abnormal to be feeling like this.

My psychologist recommended to me the Calm Harm app, which is brilliant for taking your mind to a different place if you think about harming yourself. Lifeline is also available for a chat on 13 11 14 if you need, and they're always kind, patient and respectful. Kidshelpline and Headspace (as Bob has recommended) are also incredible resources for adolescents.

I would also like to mention something that you have said towards the end of your post, about faking things for attention. Seeking attention isn't necessarily a bad thing. I've come to learn that more often than not, it's a cry for help. At the end of the day, the desire to be seen and heard is very human. If we feel like things aren't going right for us or that our needs aren't being met, it's quite normal to act in a way that commands attention such that we can try to fix it.

I know I've written a lot here, but I hope that some of my advice can resonate with you. I hear your struggle, and it's quite similar to my own during high school. Feel free to chat some more if you would like to. We're here for you.

Take care Amelia.

SB

[Amelia_]

Thanks Bob, you comment means a lot. You sound like a great person, truly. I'm doing fine now, I've decided to not open up to any person, because that's usually the part where everything goes downhill very fast. So far that seems to be working. I can't be happy so settling for moderately fine seems to be my best bet. 

[Amelia_]

Thank you Sbella, I wish there were more people like you out there. I'm sorry for everything you've been through, I know what its like and no one deserves that, least of all someone with a kind heart who would reply back to a random teenager's rant on the internet with so much empathy. 

[Bob_22]

Hi Amelia,

Thanks so much for your reply and update. It also means a lot to me. It's so nice to hear that you're doing okay at the moment. Please remember there are people out there who would love to hear from you and help you and that the support is always available should you feel you need it. Please keep us updated on how you're going and remember to reach out should you ever need any advice/support. 

Bob