I am Major Depressive Disorder with Psychosis features mixed with Borderline Personality Disorder

[Evanthia]

Hello All,

I am new to the Beyond Blue forum , I wanted to introduce myself .

I have been struggling with my mind for a very long time , but only recently was l diagnosed as Borderline Personality Disorder and now Major Depressive Disorder with Psychosis features. 

It makes me wonder why l am complicated , l mean who wouldnt be right ??

So l have been on and off meds over the years , antidepressants dont seem to agree with me so l have opted to stop them for good . 

I dont know if its a good idea , but for now l need to ride this out . 

I have and do SH , l find it a was of destressing , or at times punishing myself for bad thoughts or feelings. 

I've been hospitalised twice so far , other than being traumatized by the experience , didnt really help me other than keep me away from the public . 

I am not in a good place , in my mind . Its filled with nightmares and horrible visions and at times , the crazy in my head talks to me to do harm .

I have seen things , l cannot explain and l am very paranoid everytime l leave the house . 

I've had Police involved many times and l hate it when l hear sirens or see them patrolling the area.

I fear they are watching me or keeping an eye on my movements .

I am having trouble sleeping also which is adding to my anxieties and unstable moods. Its been over 6 months of lacking sleep and l am running of fumes most days .

There at days its all too hard for me to be here , but l am afraid to end it all.

So l exist as an empty shell of a person , with lacking emotions , feelings and hope.

Anyway for now l stay put , but who knows what tomorrow brings ...

[Sophie_M]

Hi Evanthia, 

Welcome to the forums and thank you for your bravery and openness in sharing here. It’s a really good place to have come to hear from others who understand what you’re going through. We can hear how difficult it has been lately, we’re so sorry that’s been going on. 

It sounds like it would be a great time to update the GP on how you’re going, especially since you’ve been having thoughts about suicide.   We’d also really recommend calling the Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636. The counsellors there are super kind and supportive, they’re understanding and can be good to talk to right in the midst of these feelings, or at any moment so that you can work out your next steps in getting more support together with them on the phone. You can also reach them via webchat 24/7. 

If you’re feeling suicidal or are having thoughts about harming yourself, it's important that you take immediate steps to keep safe. If you feel unable to keep yourself from acting on your thoughts about suicide or self-harm this is an emergency and you need to call 000 (triple zero).  

It also sounds like the Beyond Now suicide safety planning app may be a helpful resource to you. You can read about how it works and where to download it here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning .

You can even call Lifeline (131114) and compete it together with one of their counsellors over the phone  We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you, and we’re sure they’ll spot your post soon enough and have some kind words and understanding for you.  

Kind regards, 

Sophie M 

[Evanthia]

So , its all falling apart for me after 2 hospitalizations due to self harm and suicidal, now l am but have for over 3 months struggling to sleep which allows the crazy to tell me go ahead and hurt yourself , no one cares , you are a burden and a waste of space  .

I am tired of keeping happy , the FAKE SMILES , the its ok  responses etc.

I am suffering from chronic pain , a mile of mental health diagnosis , and my husband is not supportive

[Sophie_M]

Hey Evanthia,

Thank you for sharing this update here - we know it's not easy to share this, but it can be a really powerful step towards feeling better and staying safe. 

We’ve reached out to you privately to offer some support. If you'd like to reach the team directly, you can call or webchat the Beyond Blue Support Service on 1300 22 4636, or you can reach Lifeline on 13 11 14 or online. 

At any point if you're feeling unsafe or feeling like you may be unable to avoid acting on thoughts of suicide or self-harm, the number to call is 000 (triple zero).

We think it's really great that you could share here. Hopefully someone will spot your post soon. In the meantime, please feel free to share a bit more if you'd like to, it can be helpful to share what you'd like to hear from the community. 

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[Croix]

Dear Evanthia~

I'd like to join Sophie_M in welcoming you to the Forum. I'm glad you have already met her as she does give good advice.

Life has given you a very hard time, and from wondering just why it is so hard, and why you, it can be very easy to think that in some way it is your fault, or you have not been the sort of person you could admire. This can lead (and I'm talking from my own life) to really thinking you are a waste of space.

It's not true of course, you are a person who is dealing with great adversity the best you can.

I felt the same way,and frankly having to put on that mask and when asked "How you going" HAD TO answer "OK". True in the short term it might make things seem easier, no awkward questions, no stupid advice, or worse an over-extreme panic reaction.

Later on (after attempting ot take my life) I came to look back and saw things a bit differently. That mask isolated me more -and it was just the kind help I needed that was locked away as a result. It also seemed to confirm inside that if I had to hide myself then I was only worthy of being hidden. (Yes, I meant "kind help" -not a typo)

I also came to see I could never answer "Why Me" but I could see that having been dumped on by life my struggle was something to take satisfaction in when looking back. Then I could say when I went down "I've been here before and got though it"

Yes the cops are a blunt instrument (even if some of them are nice) and not the right response. ED and the  ward too can leave you coming out thinking you are no further forward - you have in fact been let down by the system.

Surprisingly it was a spell in a psych ward that did in the end make a difference. That and the right meds and therapy have me in a totally different place. I'm glad to be here and would not have believed that in the  past.

I've trialed a lot of meds over the years and my primary one nowadays is not an A/D, but it suits me and works.

I know you said your husband was not supportive, is there anyone in your life you can lean on a little?

I hope this is the start of a conversation and you do come back and say more

Croix

[therising]

Hi Evanthia

My heart breaks for you as you sound so unbelievably frustrated, desperate and so incredibly exhausted. You face such a brutal battle, which points to your incredible strength.

Wondering if anyone's ever led you to answers, in regard to questioning how such a battle began as well as why it continues. Also wondering whether anyone has ever led you to feel complete freedom in expressing yourself without fear of being judged when it comes to such self expression.

As a 52yo gal who manages the work involved in not remaining in depressed states (seriously hard work at times), someone once gave me a different viewpoint on depression which helped significantly. Sounds a little simplistic but it remains a truth I strongly relate to: To be conscious of all things inspiring and then to suddenly become conscious of all things depressing relates to 'altered states of consciousness'. What takes us from one state to another can be the million dollar question. What triggers a change in state of awareness? Perhaps this can apply to the heightened state of self awareness that comes with SH or the heightened state of hearing our 'inner demons' which can be so loud, tormenting and torturous at times. The sudden shift from one state or one pole to another (with bipolar) can be another shift.

Do you feel that one of the reasons you no longer want to take the meds (besides them messing with you so much) involves you wanting to naturally figure out why you shift?

Do you feel someone should be seriously addressing the sleep deprivation but they're not? Serious sleep deprivation can be a major trigger for altered states. A lot of the feelings that come with sleep deprivation are exactly the kinds of feelings some meditators try to achieve in order to go into altered states of consciousness (light headedness, completely losing the ability to think/mentally process (achieving not thinking), a daydreamy feeling/a disconnection from reality kind of feel etc).

With sleep deprivation playing a part in mental health, a GP should at the very least be addressing the impact it can have on the body. From a soulful perspective, it can play a part in our energy levels and how we feel a connection to life or a disconnection from it.