I am heartbroken, angry, conflicted.

[whimsymoonwitch]

Hi everyone (im ok)

TW self harm/abortion rights/family issues/estrangement

I am currently struggling with some urges that I havent had for years, not since I was suicidal years ago.

In the light of recent political events and my own personal medical circumstances, the topic of abortion being healthcare came up at family dinner. 

Basically, I dont ever want children. I would be an awful parent I am not healed enough mentally, prepared physically or financially and am sure I would not want to bring a child into the world we live in today. 

I stated that for my own mental health and the sake of preserving my own life, I would not keep a pregnancy if I fell pregnant.

I go to every length to prevent pregnancy and am extremely responsible with sex and contraception, but my parents, especially my mother, would see me as a murderer for choosing this for myself and my body. 

It breaks my heart that my mothers love is conditional to this.

If it happened, I would have to keep it a secret and go through the traumatic process alone, or be honest with her and risk becoming disowned/estranged. 

I am conflicted with my feelings because she is a loving and caring mum in every other way, I wouldnt be here without her support in every other aspect of life and she has saved me many times, but when your confidence in unconditional love from your mum has been shaken for something like this, it is extremely conflicting and devestating.

I am angry that she thinks this way, I am guilty that I feel this anger, because shes so supportive and loving in every other way, and I am so incredibly heartbroken. 

These feelings are so strong I feel pain in my heart, my urges to self harm are back to use as an outlet.

I want to be self destructive to ease this pain and anger. 

I know I have options in my mental toolbelt to de-escelate these urges and feelings.

Ive been in therapy for 6 years im not asking for advice on how to talk myself down, I wont act on these urges, but they are back which makes me realise how strongly I feel about this hurt. 

I guess I just wanted to vent and see if anyone else is going through similar. 

It feels stupid to feel this extremely on a hypothetical. But you never know when that hypothetical becomes a reality and knowing that I wouldnt have the love or support, so much so that it risks estrangement, it just crushes you. 

I never thought there was anything I could do that would make her not love me. 

I never even considered that I could lose my mum in this way. 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

If you loved birds, fed them daily in your yard, put water out and they perched on your open arms with love... those birds would feel loved and secure. Then, if you had a condition that of if the bird pooed on your arm you'd disconnect from that bird forever... that would be a condition of love yes? An act of control? If the bird could understand your words  "I love you but... if you poop on me I'll never let you come near me again". Sound reasonable?

This situation is not unlike someone pushing their religious beliefs upon us. So lets talk about freedom because your freedoms are not allowed if you found yourself in a certain situation.  There is likely some action your mother has done or would consider doing that is an example of exercising her freedom eg living with a person without marrying them first or voting for a particular political party. You wouldnt consider saying to her "if you live with that person out of wedlock I wont see you ever again" or " if you vote that way I cant have an future relationship with you". So that clarifies your position. 

I have a friend of 50 years that is a strong catholic. Every time we meet up she eventually mentions Jesus as a reference to what we are discussing eg crime "thats where Jesus comes into it, he would judge a criminal eventually". Now, I've been through times when I've countered it all like "but if you are religious we are all Jesus's children" etc. And its never worked so at that moment I know its time to leave till the next visit.

So your relationship with your mother like all other ones is conditional. There are subjects to stay away from and its in your interest to not venture down paths that wont end well. Also your expectation of unconditional love is normal but sometimes people being people they is the odd example whereby parents can be stubborn or a kind of threat will prevent you carrying out what they would find unacceptable. It isnt right but they also are not perfect.

Your mother loves you and otherwise has a great relationship with you, that is gold. My mother is 93yo this month, I have been estranged for 13 years. I'll never see her again as she ruined my wedding and tried to ruin my second wedding. I did nothing to cause it. 

Cradle your mums love, run hand in hand with her towards her sunset. In the meantime run your life how you choose to after all she had her choices and now you have yours.

As for your mental state ATM, see your GP and ask for 10 free mental health visits to a professional or simply discuss this with them. In a short time this feeling of frustration will subside. I hope I've helped. Reply anytime

TonyWK

[therising]

Hi whimsymoonwitch

Beliefs can be such incredibly strong things. They can shape the way in which we see life, see our self (influencing our sense of identity), experience our relationships and the list goes on. How our beliefs form can be based on a whole number of factors. Some we may be conscious of and some not so conscious of. It is the nature of certain beliefs to sometimes involve conflict. Great conflict can be very confronting and deeply challenging at times. 

As a 54yo gal, I share a lot of similar beliefs with my mum. We get along like a house on fire. We are actually really good friends and she's been a great and supportive guide for me in my life (especially throughout great challenges). There are a small handful of beliefs we definitely do not share the same opinion on and that's okay because we're different people with different ideas and experiences. To name a couple of conflicting beliefs, one involves the right to choose pregnancy termination or not and the other involves euthanasia. She's pro life and I'm pro choice. While I'd never faced having to choose a pregnancy termination in my life, if I had I accept the fact that she would not have been my go to person for that particular challenge. Based on the fact that she would have found that challenge too painful, too conflicting, too upsetting, I would have chosen a different guide through such a challenge. Choosing a different guide would have partially been based on my love for her (not wanting to put her through that).

I think while our mum can be open minded, supportive, inspiring and more when it comes to a whole variety of factors, beliefs and challenges in life, the ultimate question may be 'Are they the right guide for the challenge I face?'. Often the answer may be 'yes' but occasionally it may simply be 'no'.

With different forms of self harm, it's in their nature to occasionally challenge us when certain triggers come into being. As an ex emotional drinker yet someone who still struggles with emotional eating, Id' say self harming ways tend to offer us or tempt us towards the types of emotions we want to feel. It may be in their nature to offer relief when we feel conflict, elements of satisfaction when we feel torment, some sense of happiness when we feel sadness, peace when we feel anger and so on. To be able to feel our way through life, through conflict, torment, sadness, anger etc, without those self harming ways is definitely a challenge. Greater levels of self understanding can be what goes toward making us masters of our emotions. It can take a lifetime to become a master because we're always learning something new about our self, through our emotions.