How much more can a mother take when her child has suicided

[Donella]

Hi, I’m not really sure why Ive decided to write on this forum. No one can truly heal me so maybe I’m after some unbiased help.
My 22 year old daughter left us nearly 2 yrs ago. Her suicidewas very public, inappropriately placed and completely devastating. 
I am here to ask for non religious sensible, unbiased help and advice. 

868 days ago I became a broken, shattered person that feels those 868 days as if I’m back at day 1. 
I have seen psychologists,psychiatrists,councillors,paid for 2 therapists,1 living in America and the other in Canada and attended a 6 week grief course.  I never once thought there was anything bad enough to make me feel the way I do and the silly thing is there’s no cure. No amount of pills will make me forget her, no amount of counseling can fix my broken heart and no matter how hard I cry/beg/scream I have to acknowledge my baby is never coming home and there will be no new memories that include her physically by my side. 
Im struggling with depression and anxiety and am out of ideas on how to help myself learn to adapt to this new me. I’m drowning in regret, guilt and mental pain. My friends/family all see me as an incredibly strong person that is handling this situation with poise and dignity but behind my closed office door or in the shower I’m a mental mess and I don’t know how to get past feeling like this. 
The man she was seeing on the night of her death was her narcissistic boss, her narcissistic boyfriend and was 30 narcissistic years older than her. Can a narcissist push someone to suicide if they’ve got a history but has made the decision to turn a corner and see a suicide councillor and a therapist?

 I believe with all my heart he coerced her into killing herself as she was emotionally unstable and would have been an easy target. I have handwritten notes from her relaying things he would say to her, to encourage her to kill herself. 
Any advice would be appreciated as I hate living like this. 

[white knight]

Hi Donella, welcome

I'm very sorry for your loss. You are no doubt and incredible mother. 

The issue with notes, coercion to make your daughter pass by her own hands is a legal/law one. It is I believe illegal to encourage another to commit such an act. It isnt one we can help you here with I'm sorry.

I've had the following pass the same way- uncle, brother 26yo and a month ago- my wifes nephew 25yo. Myself, my sister and my daughter all have attempted. So feel free to ask more questions, I'm here daily.

I'm an atheist so no reference to religion. 

Basic ideas I promote here to somewhat recover from the passing of a loved one includes planting a rose/full garden bed in honour of them, getting distractions like a pet or changing environments like caravanning like we do etc. But I know, they are tokenistic. In reality grief has no remedy. Time can gravitate us towards recovery enough to return to work or have some happy moments... 

So, I'm hopeful you'll continue to ask question of me or the forum in general, thats what we are here for.

THE PIPERS TOOL

As you dry your tears, try letting them fall

 There is a labyrinth of life and that’s not all

 There are bells from birds that always ring

 There is life and what life really brings

 And the piper blows his trumpet

And the bees begin to sing

 There are drums from the jokers

 And there’s flapping of the wings

 And so your triggers mount up

 And there’s hollow in your words

Let your tears slowly drip my friend

 Soaking a beautiful world

 And that piper orchestrates another tune

 As the seagulls eat your fries

We cradle your loving cheek

 In our world, we share our cries

You pick a daisy flower

And pull a petal for each of your woes

 Each petal represents

 What you've endured, no one knows

 And those birds of a colour are bright

 Flying around you on a tether

We are here to listen and cradle

 Our colours flock together

 And the butterflies flitter from one flower to the next

As the piper lays down his tool

You are more special than you know

 You are you, and you are wonderful

And as that piper rests

And the bees lay down their wings

 Your girl still sets table of love

For what their world will bring

For as the song does state

 That love will go on

 The piper plays another tune

And they sing another song...

TonyWK

[white knight]

Dear Donella

Hoping you are OK

TonyWK

[Donella]

Hey Tony, thank you so much for your reply. 

Ive noticed you dont use the word suicide.  The other day I heard someone refer to it as "unaliveing them selves".  I dont like that phrase its not real enough. 

As someone that has experienced this journey on both sides do you subscribe to the thought process that once its in your head there is nothing anyone can to do stop you going through with it.

There have been so many things that have gone wrong over the last 2 and a half years. Everything that could be stuffed up has been. Between CIB, the coroner and anyone else you have to come in contact with, they have all made it so much harder than it should have been.  Then when I think its all done I get the notebooks from CIB that they took out of her room and theyve opened a  brand new can of worms. 

My exhusband (her father) hasnt spoken to me since her service, her stepfather is riddled with guilt, her brother and girlfriend prefer to have their heads in the sand and not one of them have helped me with anything that has to be done.

Thanks for listening to me have a whinge. 

Cheers Donella

[white knight]

Hi

Thankyou for replying. I'm here and don't mind a whinge, ever. 

Re: "do you subscribe to the thought process that once its in your head there is nothing anyone can to do stop you going through with it." It's so subjective, who knows and such questions popping up in the mind of a grieving parents mind is why it is so hard. But in my case (if it helps) at the last few seconds I recall my dad (dec at the time) had said to me "better a good part time dad than no dad at all". Up till then I felt there was no other escape (from my then cruel wife). And certainly I could barely contain the emotional pain. So doing a u-turn is hard maybe rare.

I use the word suicide rarely purely for the reason of avoiding triggering members, yourself or readers. Many members would read this post so perhaps you don't realise we are both helping others. 

Grief is experienced so vastly different among humans. Leaving procedures to a parent is normal (I was 23yo when bro was 26yo and I also didn't help out). I think it's excusable for you to feel abandoned but I'm of the view lots of grieving goes on behind closed doors. 

I can understand your anger over the notes, her personal situation etc. The only relief I'd get is a personal face to face chat with her boss. In that line of anguish is where grief counselling I expect, would be beneficial.

The police- the big problem they have is not showing empathy or comforting as they dont know if a crime has taken place. A coroner, upon reading all the information might well order a criminal investigation which would cause police issues if they didnt keep a barrier. They are not trained in grief as counsellors nor is it their job. It sounds harsh but it is how it is.

Do you think a meeting with her boss is possible?

Is her step dad getting help for his guilt?

Can I ask, do you have interests, hobbies? And do you still do them?

TonyWK 

[smallwolf]

hello.

I want to start and say that it is perfectly OK to have a whinge or ventt here. Sometimes I will do that with my psychologist.

(Now, I certainly cannot speak for anyone in your family) Events like that you speak of the posts will effect each person differently and have their own ways of dealing with the loss and demonstrated in their behaviour. And in your writing there is both anger (at her boss and BF) and sadness  (which also shows how much you cared for your daughter). I wish you did not have the go through that pain.

And if you want to chat about anything here... I can at least listen.