It’s all falling down

[Leone39]

I’ve been suffering with all kinds of symptoms of depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts for most of my adult life (30 yrs old) I suffered through severe bullying during my school years which have haunted me into my adult life, I’ve struggled with making friends due to trust issues and being able to make real connections with people, I have only my Mother who has always been there for me when everyone else has abandoned me.

through all these years I made a block point in my mind even if everything gets to difficult I couldn’t hurt myself as i know the impact it will leave for her, but it’s at a point we’re I feel It’s just not worth it.

I am going through a really bad part now, I’ve struggled with keeping my career on track due to how one minute I can see glimpses of happiness then next minute I can barely function, I fear what’s going to happen tomorrow and what people think of me, I feel like I everyone talks about me behind my back and it leaves me feeling sick.

I’ve kept all of these feelings tucked away for many years but in recent years I told my mother as it was becoming apparent when I’d sit and stare at nothing and barely speak, I’m sure someone out there knows what it’s like to just sit there and disconnect mentally, sometimes it feels like I won’t come back mentally.

i have sought help from numerous GPS and psychologists but it’s never helped I can’t get across to them how I can go from mild happiness to patiently waiting for the unfortunate time when my mother will pass and I’m left with nothing.

All I’ve wanted is some peace for this time but now I’m stressing my mother too much with me telling her these things, I realise now you only get help when you do something.

I want to disconnect myself from society, be put away and forgotten about functioning is getting to hard now.

I never thought I’d be thinking about self harm but I was this morning… I could do it again, it feels like this is the only way to wake myself up, it’s like self expression.

I came on here some years ago when it wasn’t this bad and was recommended seeking help, that never helped, I’ve called the hotlines but that’s just a band-aid.

Is it almost time? Things are just falling apart now

[therising]

Hi Leone39

When I read your post I wished it possible that I could give you the most massive hug, which says a lot as I'm not much of a hugger. I feel so deeply for you 1) based on how you're feeling and what you're going through and 2) based on having seen my 17yo son face the impact of years of bullying throughout his school life, beginning in prep.

Sometimes I wonder whether GPs, psychologists and psychiatrists really get the soulful impact of bullying or should that be the soul destroying impact. While they can treat the mind with a variety of mind altering therapies and treat the body with a variety of the types of chemistry that can be found in tablets, the soulful aspect of who we are can remain unchecked. And that's something that can lead to so much continued sufferance.

I'm not sure if it will make some difference to lightening the load of your struggle but I will say to you what I say to my son, my 20yo daughter and myself (yes, I have to remind myself occasionally, especially when facing incredibly down periods). It is something along the lines of 'You believe you know who you are. You believe you are this person, based on what others have conditioned you to believe. You believe the lies that have become your truth in some way. You believe there is no 'best' in you or that you have already met with it and that is all there is. As you sit on the painful verge of change, with your head bowed in defeat and self doubt, know this...you have not yet met with the absolute truth of who you are. In this challenge you face, you are on the verge of finding out'.

'How to find out who I truly am?' becomes the question. Finding all the wrong people can feel soul destroying and depressing (whether they be childhood tormentors, typical adults or even professionals). How can so many years be filled with meeting so many of the wrong kinds of people who just aren't equipped to lead us to the truth? For a sensitive person who has the ability to sense the nature of people, meeting all the wrong ones can feel like torture. Given how much your mum's made a difference to you in so many ways, you also have the ability to feel the right people, the ones that are going to raise you, as opposed to bringing you down. Those who raise us have a definitely feel to them, that's for sure.

❤️

[smallwolf]

welcome back? (sounds odd or off in the circumstances)

I'm really sorry to hear that you've been going through such a difficult and painful journey. It takes tremendous strength to open up and share your experiences. The impact of bullying and trust issues can have long-lasting effects, and it's understandable if you've been struggling with depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts.

With getting help, it can sometimes take time to find the right support and treatment that resonates with you. They may have different approaches or perspectives that could be more effective for you. In the meantime, I hope you are able to find support here . It's wonderful that your mother has been there for you, but it can also be helpful to connect with others who may understand your experiences. 

Remember, you are deserving of peace and happiness. Your well-being matters, and it's crucial to keep searching for the right help.

If you ever find yourself in immediate danger or feeling overwhelmed, please reach out to a helpline or emergency services. They are there to provide assistance and support.

Can I ask you about what coping strategies you might have? 

And what sort of things interest you? Hobbies etc.

Listening....