Help

Waxer · ‎08-01-2020

Hi, I've been married for 36 years, I absolutely worship my wife. 3 years ago we allowed a other man I to our lives. We had a relationship that I found it exciting to watch my wife pleasured etc. Well at first it was all fun. After a while I noticed my wife changing. She started getting frustrated and shirt with me. I was too stupid to realise she had fallen in love with this other man. One day we were driving up north and she told me a big list of things I did wrong. I still didnt get it. Once we arrived we had an argument and she told me she wssnt in love with me any more but was in love with this other man. I begged her to stay with me and she did. She told me she would try in our marriage but refused to give him up. In short over the next few years she told me another 4 times she was in love with him. She also told me a number of times she would choose him over me if I made her choose. These days she tells me she loves me and isbt in love with him and it's just friendship. She cant understand why I cant just forgive and move on. Ive got depression and something like ptsd. I cant live without her, but I can see shes getting to the point of bot wanting me to stay because she cant deal with my meltdowns when I get bouts of depression. I dont know what to do. I seriously wish I would just have a heart attack and die, trouble is I believe in afterlife and csnt bear the thought of going thru eternity without her love. She tells me she loves me yet Katy night said if I have one more meltdown that will be it. I'm seriously thinking of committing suicide but if i fail she will lose all her li e for me and I'll be alive without her love, if i succeed i gotta go through eternity without her. I love her so much, I'm totally in love with her , every time I hear her voice or see her I melt. I dont know what to do

Waxer · ‎05-09-2020

I gried yo remove myself the other day. I should have. But she screamed at me to stay and talk or else it would be over, but it just developed into a huge argument . This is the worst I think, shes talking in future tense. Like she organised a quote on the driveway to be coloured. Said when she gets her inheritance she might pay fur my teeth to be fixed up. So I think maybe she sees a future or at least isn't thinking of finishing us up right now. She said she just wants ri be friends. I said I hope and orsy one day we can again be lovers, but she seemed disinterested in that. I can be patient but im not going to cope long term living with her and being in love but just friends. She does hold my hand and kiss me goodnight. Do you think intimacy an return one day? . Sje leaves fur 9 days with her 2 sisyers and brother today to sort out the deceased dads property which has been sold. I know one of the sisters will take any opportunity to put me down but I did do a n8ce thing fur the fsmily and bought a memorial plaqu4 fur the dad which I slipped into her bag. Im hoping thst helps her her sister a bit onside as well as some heart softening from my beautiful wife. I feel sick with worry thst I might have lost my wife . I still pray for God to take me. But I also know the rest of my family needs me.

smallwolf · ‎05-09-2020

Can I ask whether your counsellor has mentioned to you about reframing your thoughts?

The other that is worth thinking about is that when a someone criticises you, judges you or whatever, says more about the other person than you.

And whether or how you process these thoughts open the possibility for change. I know that it take time. I am still working on it and have been for more than a year! And unfortunately, we cannot change how the other person thinks. 😞

And then as far as their opinions are concerned, Brene Brown has said that the people whose opinion she cares for are on a small sheet of paper. If your name is not on that list, then what you say does not really matter - that is when somebody else judges you negatively.

On your question about intimacy... not sure if it was a rhetorical question! Putting aside the BF for one minute, has your wife said on this matter? What would need to change?

lastly, issues with the deceased dad may also be weighing on her mind recently and may be taking that out on you? There would be a sense of loss and grief here.

Waxer · ‎12-09-2020

No it wasn't a rhetorical question. Im really worried that her sister convince her to just be friends as she says it works fur her (my daughter disagrees and thinks the sisters partner is not happy) shes back tomorrow night requested I wasn't there as she wanted a night with her sisters there without me, but the good news is I've got a chance, she told me she really loves me on the phone and has been sending nice messages. I would give anything to het s happy marrisge back. Im tired though, I've been bleeding from the bowel and I just don't care if I wake up, im just a shadow of the man I once was

Sophie_M · ‎12-09-2020

Hey Waxer, thanks for joining us again on the Beyond Blue forum. We're so sorry to hear how difficult things are for you tonight. It must be very diffiuclt to manage these thoughts and emotons for your ex-partner. Please know we are all here to listen and provide our support.

Our Support Service is trying to reach out to you via email as we are worried about you.
We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
Please check in and let us know how you are whenever you feel up to it.

smallwolf · ‎12-09-2020

Hi waxer - please look after yourself and check in with your GP. And I do hope that the change you see in your wife might be a little more permanent than it has been. I guess it must also be a little confusing with the mixed messages you are receiving. Thinking of you

Waxer · ‎13-09-2020

Hi guys, you may never know how much youve done for me here, im pretty sure the bleeding from bowel and throwing up blood was just from extreme stress. It seems to have stopped now. My kitten seems to ne missing me. She's been very nice and even told me dhe loved me through tears on phone. But she still wants her boyfriend in our life and tbh whilever he is, i think its inevitable we will fight again when she tells me she loves him more or would choose him, that's why I jisy dont care any more. I've even stopped worrying about covid and i almost hope I get it and die . I dont care if this blood thing is serious. I cant remember not being in love with her, its been nearly 40 years i just can't take Ny more gett8ng my heart broken

Sophie_M · ‎13-09-2020

Hey Waxer,

Thanks for keeping us updated on how you've been feeling. We can hear how overwhelming these thoughts must be, but please know that no matter how dark things may seem to you right now, they can get better. Our support service is attempting to reach you as we are worried about you.

We'd really urge you to reach out to our friends at Lifeline on (13 11 14) and the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) who are available to you anytime, day or night, whenever these feelings become too much to cope with.

We're all here to help you through this, and we hope you continue to check in and let us know how you're going, whenever you feel ready.

Waxer · ‎13-09-2020

Thanks guys , im at my parents, they're asleep so can't talk but it helps me greatly that you rang, im ok tonight , sad and totally deflated but ill see my angel tomorrow so hope it goes well

Waxer · ‎13-09-2020

Thanks again for caring im drifting off to sleep now ill be ok tonight

smallwolf · ‎13-09-2020

I hope you were able to sleep ok.

And you have a better day today.

What is it like to be at your parent place?