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[Waxer]

Hi, I've been married for 36 years, I absolutely worship my wife. 3 years ago we allowed a other man I to our lives. We had a relationship that I found it exciting to watch my wife pleasured etc. Well at first it was all fun. After a while I noticed my wife changing. She started getting frustrated and shirt with me. I was too stupid to realise she had fallen in love with this other man. One day we were driving up north and she told me a big list of things I did wrong. I still didnt get it. Once we arrived we had an argument and she told me she wssnt in love with me any more but was in love with this other man. I begged her to stay with me and she did. She told me she would try in our marriage but refused to give him up. In short over the next few years she told me another 4 times she was in love with him. She also told me a number of times she would choose him over me if I made her choose. These days she tells me she loves me and isbt in love with him and it's just friendship. She cant understand why I cant just forgive and move on. Ive got depression and something like ptsd. I cant live without her, but I can see shes getting to the point of bot wanting me to stay because she cant deal with my meltdowns when I get bouts of depression. I dont know what to do. I seriously wish I would just have a heart attack and die, trouble is I believe in afterlife and csnt bear the thought of going thru eternity without her love. She tells me she loves me yet Katy night said if I have one more meltdown that will be it. I'm seriously thinking of committing suicide but if i fail she will lose all her li e for me and I'll be alive without her love, if i succeed i gotta go through eternity without her. I love her so much, I'm totally in love with her , every time I hear her voice or see her I melt. I dont know what to do

[Waxer]

I had suspicions that her bf and her were lying to me, so I did something foolish. I bugged her phone. I was hoping to have my fears allayed. Unfortunately I heard them putting me down and heard things that confirmed they were lying to me. I also heard her telling one of the sisters who was surprisingly supportive that the other one shes been staying with "counselled her" but told her there's no hope and she should leave. I tried confronting the issues and give her a chance to come clean but she actually screamed at me calling me a liar etc but I knee exsctky what she'd said and even heard her bf and her working out how they could cover the lies. So eventually I confronted them with the recorded conversations. She went ballistic that id bugged her phone, no apologies fir lying etc i told them I'd firguve and move on on 2 conditions , 1 they give me their solemn word they will never lie to me again and she will never tell me she would choose him over me again and 2 that she'd stop staying the night at her sisters without me. She went down to bf to discuss and was calming down until she came home and I had a real estate agent giving a valuation as at thst stage I had enough and wanted to end it. Anyway they came home again after a while and said they'd give me their word on the first issue but then when we got to the sister issue she went ballistic again saying I control her, i kept saying I'm not trying to stop her seeing her sister, i just want it to be both of us like normal couples do, she said I'm not welcome there so she wants to go on her own. I fug my heels in and said its not negotiable and that its not right that I go sleep in the csrpsrk at surf club while she sleeps at her sister who is undermining me. Hours went by as she went back to bf place until I couldn't stand it any more and relented and said she could do it. Eventualy she came but still very angry. I promised to delete the program and never do it again on my grsndchildrens life and one thing I don't do and she should know is lie. But she's still saying she will never forgive me. I told her i have forgiven so much yet she latches on to this to never forgive me? We went to bed and i tickled her head and massaged her arm to sleep. Now I'm awake I'm so distraught. I want to say please stop getting advice off her 2 sisters and bf none of whom have maintained a successful marriage and get counselling from someone who has. But im afraid to set her off again. I'm seriously thinking this is all too hard and it would just be easier to go to sleep and never wake up. She already resents me fur being suicidal in the past so if it doesn't work or i chicken out and she knows she will leave me anyway. Sad thing is one day a while ago, she said to her bf and I thst we should all swear if any of us got sick the other 2 would take care of them. Obviously that only applied to her and him as my mental illness brought on by how she broke my heart has been a source of resentment for her. I'm torn between keep trying, let the real estste sell up and I go separate way and just ending it once and for all. The last option is really feeling like it would be the most peaceful.

[Sophie_M]

Dear Waxer,

We’re so grateful to have you reach out to our community this morning and are so sorry to hear everything you have going on at the moment. Times like this can definitely get overwhelming . We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you. 

Our Support Service is trying to reach out to you via email as we're worried about you. 
We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
Keep checking back in with us whenever you feel up to it. 
 
 

[smallwolf]

I hope you might be feeling a little better now that you might have had some time since you posted. I am so sorry you had that to find out that way about what you wife had been saying to others etc. Sometimes it might be better not to know the answers.... I don't know. And what's done is done!

I also do not think that it is hard to make someone else change their opinion about some things. When she says she will not forgive you. It would be nice if she could. Some things are in your control and others not so. Reminds me of the serenity prayer...

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

In relation to your statement... "she said to her bf and I thst we should all swear if any of us got sick the other 2 would take care of them. "... did you ask whether that applied to you as well? And the how you (plural) determine "sick"?

A little while ago you were having dinner with your friends and were speaking about relationships... have you spoken to them again? You don't have to tell me here, but what advice have they given you ?

Tim

[Waxer]

So where its at atm is she is prepared to stay as long as she can see who she wants when she wants and as long as she wants without me keeping tabs on her, and if i want any say in it I'm controlling her. She gave me her word she wouldn't talk about our marriage to anyone but a counsellor or someone who's had a successful marriage (she gave me her word she wouldn't let her sister talk about me before and broke it) she gave me her word she'd never lie to me again about seeing her bf, never tell me again she loves him more or would choose him. Said she'd leave if I ever have another meltdown as she calls it. Says i need to see my counsellor more, seems to think I'm paranoid and its my mental illness that makes me want to control who and when etc she sees, says she will get a counsellor but i will believe it if I see it and she will probably find one that her sister recommends) I'm not ready to walk away. I'm not sure if this one sided relationship is sustainable but I have to try. She says she will forgive me for getting mentally unwell and melting down and recording invading her privacy, but i doubt it. (She read all my texts behind my back and listened to a counselling session of mine but me recording her conversation is unforgiveable but now she's saying she will try forgive. The other couple we haven't seen again and doubt we will as the husband asked her if she ever thinks about anyone but herself. Btw her sister says I'm a narcissist (ironically I read what that is and believe it describes my wife more than me) will never change and she should leave me but im supposed to be fine with her staying with her whenever she wants without me. 8 feel we will never get our mojo back while others are more important to her and undermine me when I'm not there.

[Waxer]

There's an uneasy truce atm. She's going away for 9 days next week. We had a lovely day yesterday but its like walkng on eggshells. Fir anyone here who believes in God ,  could you pray my wife gets a counsellor who has a happy marriage , she only gets coubselling from her sisters and bf none of who have maintained long term relationships

[smallwolf]

I will. What are you going to do during those 9 days?

[Waxer]

I've got some family stuff to do and o might take off for a trip to do some photography. Shes going up with her 2 sisters and 1 brother to sort out her dads house. I was specifically uninvited even though they wouldn't have even had a relationship with him in last 20 years if I hadn't pushed my wife to forgive him. My wife and I saw him many times more than the other 5 kids put together, i helped look after him, cooked for him, took him out to dinners every time we went there, yet all but one spent virtually no time with him until the last year or so when he was dying I think they saw him a few times. It hurts a lot as I wanted closure too.

[Waxer]

I'm in a panic i don't think I'll get through the night. I just want this pain to go away

[Sophie_M]

Hey Waxer, 
We can hear how overwhelmed and exhausted you are right now and are so sorry you're going through this. Please know we are here to talk through these emotions with you.  Our Support Service is trying to reach out to you via email as we are worried about you.
We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
Please check in and let us know how you are whenever you feel up to it.

[Waxer]

I managed to some sleep but just woke up in another panic, i am coughing like crazy and my chest hurts real bad. Im hoping it might be a heart attack and ill stop feeling the pain