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[Waxer]

Hi, I've been married for 36 years, I absolutely worship my wife. 3 years ago we allowed a other man I to our lives. We had a relationship that I found it exciting to watch my wife pleasured etc. Well at first it was all fun. After a while I noticed my wife changing. She started getting frustrated and shirt with me. I was too stupid to realise she had fallen in love with this other man. One day we were driving up north and she told me a big list of things I did wrong. I still didnt get it. Once we arrived we had an argument and she told me she wssnt in love with me any more but was in love with this other man. I begged her to stay with me and she did. She told me she would try in our marriage but refused to give him up. In short over the next few years she told me another 4 times she was in love with him. She also told me a number of times she would choose him over me if I made her choose. These days she tells me she loves me and isbt in love with him and it's just friendship. She cant understand why I cant just forgive and move on. Ive got depression and something like ptsd. I cant live without her, but I can see shes getting to the point of bot wanting me to stay because she cant deal with my meltdowns when I get bouts of depression. I dont know what to do. I seriously wish I would just have a heart attack and die, trouble is I believe in afterlife and csnt bear the thought of going thru eternity without her love. She tells me she loves me yet Katy night said if I have one more meltdown that will be it. I'm seriously thinking of committing suicide but if i fail she will lose all her li e for me and I'll be alive without her love, if i succeed i gotta go through eternity without her. I love her so much, I'm totally in love with her , every time I hear her voice or see her I melt. I dont know what to do

[smallwolf]

One minute you think things are going smoothly and the next they are not. Sorry to hear about the ups and downs of your day.

What does your wife think about the current situation with Covid-19?

Some people where I work are quite scared and it effects the way the act - they are more on edge, can be a bit snappy. This is however a reaction to the what is happening outside. At the moment therefore I will do as you are and not try to have an alternative view, because they will not help anything.And I tell myself that they are anxious about the current situation. It is a bit more complex than that but you get the idea.

are there thing that you can do by yourself to keep yourself occupied?

[Waxer]

Shes fairly nervous about the virus , and sad as our daughter has locked down in Sydney with mother in law and grandkids. She takes everything out on me, she speaks to me and is impatient with me like no one else on the planet. I tickle her head every night but even then she sometimes gets short with me if I fo it wrong. Tbh i feel its such a one way relationship sometimes but she holds the power over me to do anything she likes and blames me and my meltdowns if I disagree in any way or get upset in any way. Trouble is, shes the love of my life and diesnt matter how bad she treats me I csnt help being madly in love with her. Anyway, I need to get another interest but thats hard now, I used to play competition snooker but eyesight is crap now, I used to surf but my friends got too old and my knees are crap. I like fishing, never catch much pretty good at chess but haven't played in years. I still teach 2 days a week but I might be teaching from home soon as this week , depends what doctor says on Monday.

[smallwolf]

I wonder if it is possible that your wife is taking out her nervousness regarding Covid-19 on you?

There is a person my wife and I know. At the moment this person is confined to the house. This person is generally busy and always doing something. Now this person cannot do that. And very snappy.

The Priest in Charge where I work behaviour is different around me now. There is a fear that either they may get it from me, or give it to me - very nervous and little bit snappy.

Something my psych asked me - is it possible they feel safe around you they let down their guard and unload any built up fears on you in what they say. It never feels nice, and for the moment and unless I can speak with someone else myself, it truly does feel as though they hate me. If I am able to reframe the situation as per the first part of this paragraph, it makes it easier to deal with but still not nice.

About you hobbies - certainly an outdoors type and that would be hard now regardless. There are some fishing games on Android and not the same as being outdoors but would be distractions none-the-less. My distractions are puzzles.

[Waxer]

Oh yes shes snappy in part because of the virus, I was walking on eggshells but now I'm walking on needle points. Yeah I'm going to make a plan to keep my wife from really hating me bring around to much , not sure how yet , but on also going to start something with the private hospital soon, I xant wait, I hope they can ease the hurt in my head

[smallwolf]

You can always bounce your ideas off me if that would help

[Waxer]

Hi again, I had a beautiful day today, my angel was very stressed and snappy but I handjed it very well and she settled and we had lovely lovely day, I'm still very fragile and keep apologising to her which annoys her, but now that I managed to narrowly miss her leaving me and I think shes ok with staying with me atm I am terrified that I will stuff it up and defend myself or have a contrary opinion or get upset in any way. I'm thinking of going back to my old drug that made me docile but ruined my sex life and made me feel physically awful. I cant wait to get intensive help, I hope the hospital can help me it's my last hope. I'm going to get all my jobs done that I've been putting off. If we lock down I'm hoping to start getting fit and maybe learn mouth organ or ukelaly. We plan to try have regular breaks in other parts of the house so I dint drive her nuts.

[smallwolf]

Hi Waxer, sorry about the delay in relying. Sounds like you have some activities lined up to do 🙂

If your apologising to her continually annoys your wife, what stops from not apologising? That is, saying nothing except letting her vent to you.

So I thought I would come around to see how you were doing?

Tim

[Waxer]

Hi Tom, thanks fur caring. Not so good. I'm trying everything I can. I'm still being beautiful to her still tickling her hair each night, still making dinner etc she said she loved me as she left dry with today. As she left I burst into tears. I'm hanging by a thread, still wishing I'd die. Shes still unafectionate , still just not how we used to be. I think there us a small hope for us, but as I said I'm hanging by s thread. I'm trying not to apologise, but to give you an example, I'm cooking tea tonight and I gave her some firms to sign as we are applying fur council approval fur her beauty room. Shes looking fur the asterixes I told her to sign, I'm trying to explain and shes angrily snapping " your not listening " she says that a lot, often when she has my full attention. I spoke beautiful to her and said I'm sorry kitten I really am, I'm just trying to make sure the fish diesnt o overcook and I promise you I am listening. After a few minutes she grumbled an apology. But shes so quick to speak horribly to me. Shes so resentful of me and "what I out her through" with thinking about suicide and unforgiving, I forgave her, even though she destroyed me from being a strong happy man over a 3 year period, now she resents the man I've become. I've got a psychologist lined up to talk to me Friday, and I'm hoping the private hospital will give me a program soon. God I'd give anything to have my little kitten back properly, that or just die, I keep praying God will take me. I wish she would see the marriage counsellor with me again she really helped twice but I think she doesnt want to accept any responsibility

[Waxer]

Still hanging in there, at least .y angel told me she loved me a few times over last few days, but stes very unaffextionste, pushes me away except fur when I tickle her head to sleep each night.. very snappy today but I handled it a bit better even though i was panicking inside. I'm very hopeful my new psychologist is going to help me cope with this extraordinary position I'm in, he seemed to get where im coming from, just hope he can fit me in soon. I'm a bit panicky tonight again and still feel I wouldn't care if I died as long as my memory only went till 3 years ago

[smallwolf]

did you get to see your psych? I hope it went went well for you.

you are being such a nice and caring person towards your wife. i noticed you mentioned your wife grumbled an apology - perhaps this might be something hard for her to do?

Going back to my previous reply (I think) there is one person I work with who says they are no good when there is a crisis - they admitted this themselves at a morning tea. This person has been on edge in the past couple of weeks. Have to be careful around them so as not to set them off.

How are both of you going with having to live together like this under a sort of lock down? I assume there are time each day when she would be pleasant towards you. If you are anything like me, any or all of the negatives will crush (the thought of any) positives in the day. Perhaps a thank-you or a smile?

Tim