Hello! New and dunno what to do T_T

[stancepunk]

Hi everyone, I'm Mitch and I'm 24 🙇‍♀️

I've been struggling with depression and anxiety among other things since I was 18. I think I might've been suffering since my early teens but did not get diagnosed until we moved to Australia because my home country treated mental illness as taboo... I've been medicated for it since 2014 and saw a psychiatrist for only a year. (I was not making any progress with her and could not afford to see another one)

I have gotten better over the years, I was even able to complete a Cert III and Diploma in TAFE! I know it sounds silly but it's a feat that I thought was impossible for me since I have untreated ADHD, I couldn't even finish Yr 12.

Anyway a month ago, I was able to land my first ever job as a casual waitress. I was a little nervous but overjoyed since I've been struggling to get a job which is understandable, nobody wants to hire a 24 y/o who has zero work experience (though I have been volunteering in an op shop on weekends)

My problem is my depression is worsening again after starting my new job. I start crying and throwing up a day before my shift even starts because I dread it so much. I do still report in, it's just I get so anxious to the point I can't do much else but lie in my room until work. The job itself isn't too difficult, I can keep up with the physical demands and I don't mind getting criticism, but it's hard when the manager always looks at you like they want you dead. When I say hi/goodbye/thank you, they don't even bother to look at me. My co-workers are a little nicer but it's still clear that they don't want me there. I've even considered injuring myself so I can't come to work.

I want to quit so bad but I feel that I'm overreacting, that this is something everyone goes through when they start their first job and I can't complain because I brought this on myself. I've been applying everywhere but have yet to get an offer so I'm starting to fall back into the mindset that I just wasn't meant for this world. I do have parents who love me and provide for me but I don't want them to spend the rest of their lives worrying about me. I do have friends but none of them close enough that I can share these thoughts comfortably. That's why I decided to share on this forum so I at least have an outlet for my worries.

Thank you for taking the time to read my ramblings and I hope you are doing well on your end.

[Sophie_M]

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forum Mitch, we're really glad you chose to join us tonight. We know it's not always easy to open up about mental health-related issues, so thank you for having the strength to do so.  

Congratulations on finishing your certificate three and diploma! We acknowledge how stressful and draining study can be so what an enormous achievement to finish both. 

We're sorry to hear you're struggling to find your place at work but agree that this is very normal. Many people find it difficult to start a new job. It can be very anxiety-provoking to meet so many new people and be expected to learn so much at once.  It's very likely that things will get better over time as you become more comfortable with the routine and people. 

We're sorry to hear that your psychiatrist wasn't very helpful. Would you be open to speaking with another mental health professional? 

If you feel that it would be beneficial to you to talk through your feelings and experiences with a counsellor, please, contact the Beyond Blue Support Service anytime on 1300 22 4636 or get in touch with us on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. One of the friendly counsellors can offer you some support but also provide you with advice and referrals for seeing a counsellor in a more ongoing way.

Hopefully, a few of our community members will come by to welcome you to our friendly online community. 

[Croix]

Dear Mitch~

The fist thing I'd like to say is you are an admirable person. To have had to face depression and anxiety since you were young would have taken an enormous toll on your life. The fact that when it started it was not recognized or respected at the start would have made you feel terrible, and possibly at fault -even though that is completely untrue -as all society felt that way.

In a strange country to undergo treatment and attain a Cert III and Diploma at TAFE is pretty outstanding. Was going to TAFE and interacting with teachers and students as difficult as your job?

Getting that job must for a moment have seemed wonderful and building on your volunteer experiences I'd think you would have expected it to be a reasonable place to work. I'm sad for you it has not worked out that way but I suspect that there are probably a couple of things going on that you should consider.

The first being a waitress is a job with a lot of competition, and many are not treated well, with the management thinking they can treat people how they like, as if they quit there are plenty more.

The second, and here I admit I'm guessing - please tell me if I am wrong - but your origins may be single you out for prejudice. An awful lot of peple who come here are treated terribly because they look or speak differently

When that happens please try to see them as the small people they are, it is in no way any lack of fault on your part.

You are as meant for this world as anyone else, and have had a hard life, though you have managed to overcome all that has been thrown at you -this is strenght. Trying for another job is sensible, however do not be downcast if one does not pop up straight away, the job market is not good at the moment.

I can't tell you what is the wisest course for you except to say if you have reached the stage of thinking about injuring yourself to stay way then you have to hang on to the fact NO job is worth your health, and neither is one worth constant misery.

You have loving parents, and if you are having troubles their love will help, employed or unemployed. At 24 you may feel as if you are older, it's not the case, There is most of your life ahead, and without a crystal ball you really have no idea what will come about. I was invalided out of my occupation permanently disabled and told I'd never work again. They were wrong, and I entered an area I'd never dreamed I'd do. It has worked out well.

I would like it if you came back and said more

Croix

[stancepunk]

Thanks all for the kind responses. Sorry it's taken me so long to reply.

About seeing another health professional, I'm booked to see a psychiatrist this July. Psychiatrists in my area have long waitlists so I'll just have to hang in there until then. I will consider getting in touch with the support team if I ever get too down again

Yeah, it was pretty hard for me to complete those Tafe qualifications, I passed both of them by the skin of my teeth 🤣 But I don't regret the experience at all, studying at Tafe rehabilitated me after spending a lot of time in isolation.

My manager comes from the same continent as me so I don't think the way I look or speak is the problem...though he has said I always look tired and asked if I had some kind of sickness. I did start working out so I would have more stamina on the job (and it's worked!) and stabilizing my sleep schedule but I think it's my anxiety that's making me look tense while I'm working.

I've gotten to the point of drafting a resignation letter because well, if I'm crying before, during, and after my shifts, then I'm not sure it's worth it. But I'm gonna stay for a few more weeks and see if it gets better. Luckily, I have another job starting this week though they only need me once a week but it's better than nothing!

Croix, I'm glad to hear everything worked out for you! It's stories like that that give me hope I can be happy one day as well...

Thank you all for your reassuring words and I hope you're having a great week.

[Croix]

Dear Mitch~

You are getting there, and it is through your own efforts. I've already talked about TAFE, now you tell me you have taken up exercise it it is actually helping, not only with stamina but also with sleep -one of the most difficult areas to get under control.

I'm sure with your ability to assist yourself in practical matters you will overcome this depression and anxiety.

As I mentioned I could never improve without medical help and I'm wondering if you have exhausted all possibilities in that area. Waiting till July to see a psychiatrist once is better than nothing, however there may be more and psychologists too via tele-health, normally arranged though your GP. I use this to have my consultations with my psychiatrist, and it works quite well.

I'd not know what to do about the job, if you want to stay with it for a while then try and compartmentalize your life, work on the one side, everything else, particularly things you enjoy, on the other. If you live wiht your parents involve them in these things too. The idea is to remind yourself you are a whole person, not just an employee that is treated badly.

If you do not want to st that is OK too, your spirit is more important than any job. You would already realise that will give you a new worry, finding a decent job with no finances coming in. I guess you have to weight it up. It is good you are starting that one day job. Having any sort of job helps the cash a little and looks tons better when putting in applications.

Do check with Centerlink before resigning as I think it makes them withhold benefits for longer.

Do you work out at home or use a gym?

Croix

[MetaGirl]

Hey Mitch,

You read like the younger version of me 🙂

I'm ADHD. Was diagnosed 6 months ago. After what seems to be 2677 jobs in my lifetime I rose to national operations manager for a company and looked after ops over Aus and NZ. My clinical psychiatrist is fascinated with me lol. I somehow realised I had challenges and found supports without ever knowing I was ADHD. I constantly fought those ideas of unworthiness, self hatred, imposter syndrome, not good enough.. Self harming many forms...

You must understand we are fast.

We think fast, act fast, see big.

Our struggle is slowing ourselves down to the level of society. Stop the struggle. Embrace and be you, I promise you will fine. Be passionate about stuff others don't understand. Your tribe will find you.

Get up, show up, be YOU.

Keep me updated my friend,

MG