Frustrated and stupid idiot that sabotaging life by being a joke of a person who wastes people time incoherfent rambling on a forum

[geelt]

Everythings just keeps getting worse because i am stupid and its all my fault and im not going to do anything to change becaused im stupid. I am honestly baffled about how much I am ruining life by being an immature loser. I refuse to see any help outside of university or whatever I can make an excuse to go to without acytually doing anything that will ake a difference. Going to a mental health service by saying im going to study on another campus then spending half an hour walking to the facility to get no help because theres nothing that they can do to help me. Then keeping up the stupid charade 3 times while doing nothing myself to improve my life because there is nothing i can do I cant move out of home my parents dont want me to get a job i am stgupid and let myself listen to the gp and take antidepressants when they wont magically change anything. Then getting frustrated and overwhelmed and break down crying and frustrated going no where with my thoughts then wanting to lie down to calm down but then they make me go outside to walk right next to the busy road and i have to try keep a rational mind when the loud noises just make it worse then when they finally let me lie down they make me go to the hospital even though i keep saying that i cannot stay there at the hospital when they said that the time is unpredicatable when they can see me and then dont give me the option to refuse then leave me at the hospital waiting area for mental health for 8 hours and by then its 10pm and i am just frustrated and overwhelmed and have no explanation to tell my parents then i get frustrated and breakdown then i am no longer able to stay rational then start self-harming becaue its all my fault and im stupid then get stuck in the mental health ward for 2 weeks and it was okay until my parents came to visit and it just made me feel worse. then they made me take medication now I am presently no longer takinf them because they remind me of everything and im too frustrated and stupid medication now i cant sleep because of withdrawl and i keep gettting angry about everything and i cant move out of home and being home makes me frustrated but i am lucky to have a home in the first place but im stupid so i cannot apprecate it because im stupid and i cant move out and my parents dont believe in psychiarist psychologist mental health and it all just makes me frustrated and seeing gp just makes it worse so i leave midway though because im just going to self-harm.

[tranzcrybe]

Subconscious retaliations to controlling behaviour can lead to self destructive patterns in lieu of standing up for what you desire in life.
Who says you are what you claim to be? How much of that comes from your own evaluation and experiences with those in your demographic?
Getting a job might reveal that you have so much in common with the aspirations and fears of those with whom you interact - this makes you... normal. Conversely, it may lead you to question your current perception (or overlay) of yourself and your (their) views of the world. Both are positive outcomes in your quest for identity.
Sharing these experiences can provide another perspective and help you rediscover the excitement in spontaneity, risk, and even failure without fearing judgement or condemnation - it's what you learn, not what you do.
While the promise of certainty in housing and finances may appear enticing, it can often be at the expense of individuality and strength of character acquired from believing in yourself, at the same time acknowledging the need for life experiences to reach your full potential.

Thank you for continuing to express your situation with such candor. There is clarity within your observations and I hope you are finding a way to make sense of things.

[Isabella_]

Hi Geelt,

I have some thoughts around what you've said.. I don't want you to think that I believe I know best by any means, or know you better than you know yourself, that's not my place at all. Please let me know if I'm misunderstanding, overstepping in some way or just not accurate.

First of all, I think it's a good thing that you've set boundaries for yourself - you recognise that you aren't in the right place to get part time work right now, because you feel that you need to regain the confidence to do other things first without feeling overwhelmed. Although, I think what's hard to read about your message is that you use words like incapable, unable rather than not ready, because I can tell that this is what you truly believe. In my experience with therapy, I've come to the understanding that there is comfort in self hatred and depression, because you don't put yourself in the position of rejection and making mistakes. To a degree there's comfort in the pain, and feeling better feels more difficult, but it doesn't mean that it is more difficult.

I think there's a distinction between not being in the right mental space to get a job, which from my understanding is very reasonable based on what you're going through, and being incapable. When your self confidence is at an all time low, it feeds into a deadly cycle of not doing the things you want/need to, finding distractions to avoid it, and feeling the guilt of not being productive which just feeds more into self hatred. It's extremely hard.

I think forcing yourself into a job or doing your normal activities is putting the expectation on yourself that you just have to "get on with it", but I think somewhere inside, you know that it isn't that easy. It's not fair on yourself to have that pressure and expectation, but I understand where it comes from. I hope at the very least I can make you feel somewhat better by telling you that from what I know about you, I don't think you should be expected to just get on with it, it's much more complicated than that. You're deserving of self care and help from others to change your self talk.

I don't believe I'm in the position to change your thoughts and opinions on therapy, because you've had some terrible experiences with it which is completely valid. I definitely see some strengths in your self talk. You understand that you have to stop spiralling into self hate in order to try new things, and it's really good that you recognise that.

I'm always here to listen.

[geelt]

Thanks for the replies,

I know that things are not set in stone. How I feel and fear the way things play out isn't based on realism but my uncertainties and anxiety warping and giving me a jaded outlook on things to come.

Living my whole life so far neglecting the human condition and hiding/ being sheltered from all of life's intricacies has only left me lost and clueless as to what I want out of life. I only ever went with the flow and chose the easiest way out, I lack the experience needed to deal with any hardships or bumps in life.

Isolated in my own echo chamber, when anything that challenges my way of thinking leads to me breaking down. Stuck with the mindset and experiences of a child because I never let myself grow properly. I can only blame myself for the past.

I just don't feel ready when it comes to preforming any job at this point in time, where any difficulty or challenge just makes me self-destruct and spiral down. Self esteem and a biased perception of myself makes it difficult to make the right judgement on what I am capable. I can't judge whether or not I can deal with the commitment of working. When failure or not living up to my expectations will only lead me to further self-loathe, any difficulty is just another nail in the coffin that cements the idea that I am worthless . Before I can do anything I need to be less harsh on myself and more accepting of failure.

I don't see myself as an intelligent person, smart enough to deal with the hubbub of business, science, real-estate, economics or anything complicated and technical. I know that smarts are not the only factor with these things, you can do most things if you put your mind to it, but I don't and all those things just make me feel miserable.

All I am doing is waiting and waiting without doing anything to better myself, but I don't know where to start and all the help I am trying to get just leads to more waiting. I am not taking initiative or being proactive. Trying to look up what I can do (exercises, different careers, being more assertive, etc.) just leads to me doubting myself or worrying if I'm doing the right thing. I want to be more knowledgeable so I make the right decisions but that prevents me from doing anything. I don't know how the muscles in the body work and that prevents me from doing any exercises in fear of making more problems for example.

I know I need to just do things, but I keep making excuses and cannot change my mindset when it comes to these things.

[tranzcrybe]

Hi geelt,

Welcome back, and thanks for the update.

You can never change what you won't acknowledge, and I am actually pleased that you can so articulately define those qualities that prevent you from getting ahead - objectively and without self abuse. Kudos for your clarity of mind!

The frustrating thing is that no amount of education can replace old fashioned experience - as imperfect humans, we learn best from failures (hopefully small ones). But most careers involve in-house training and some supervisor/mentor/overseer to give you the support you need along the way.

Imagine studying medicine for 10 years only to find yourself at the operating table with a scalpel at the ready! "Yeah, you'll be fine - you've done the training" - um, no thanks. There's usually someone holding the reins while you ride the horse until you're secure in what you are doing.

Then again, if you feel unsure about anything, your task (challenge) is to seek help. That could be another thing altogether to contemplate.

[geelt]

My brain does not work I cant think I cant think my brain cant do anything right.

I don't want to do anything centrelink. My dad wants to apply for authorising him on my behalf so he can get pension benefits so he can get discounts on medicine and bills. I don't know any of the details about applying for this so I need to read everything. My dad can't explain what they told them to me because he doesn't understand it. I know the pension is important but my brain can't make sense because im not a good person. Getting him to look on it on my behalf when he cant do it on my behalf so I will have to do it for him which makes it redundant because its just going to be me doing things for my own things anyways and I am not sure if can get us in any trouble. The people at centrelink gave him the wrong form so I need to do all the reading and figure out everything about the application.

I can understand what I am reading says but it doesn't stay. Getting worked up over nothing all the time. Can't focus on reading anything. Always get wound up on things and trying to do mindfulness or trying to calm down does not work because I'm not doing it right. It all just goes back to my losing hope that I can't get myself to better myself and change for the better after letting my mind decay for so long. I can't get my mind to stop overthinking and only time lets myself diffuse but that stops me from getting anything done when the smallest of problems just makes me collapse. Problems just lead to me thinking I am stupid but I need to stop myself from that mindset but then it just goes to 'its just how things are' and being harsh on yourself won't make it better. Then it just goes to the fact that life is difficult and I can't get myself to adapt and I am just making life for myself more difficult. It just makes me think life isn't worth it but then I need to stop myself from thinking this way then I feel hopeless again.

Doing things is like holding my breath and when I am done and when I am finished I don't feel relieved or joy, I just feel exasperated and gasping for air

I don't have anyone I can talk to for help and I just need to wait to hear from the clinic but doing nothing while waiting.

Can't get experience if my mind doesn't want to learn and forcing myself just makes me frustrated. Making no progress.

I am not using the forum and advice from the replies properly. I don't have anywhere else to unload what's on my mind.

[Sophie_M]

Hi geelt, 

We can see that there is a heap of support here for you in this thread and from your peers in this community. We just wanted to drop in and say that we are sorry you are going through this and thank you for being brave and sharing your experience. It takes a lot of courage to share, reach out and seek support. Thank you for being a great example for all of us. 

If you ever want to talk, we are here for you 24/7. You can call us on 1300 22 4636 or our friends at Lifeline 13 11 14. The teams that answer these calls are kind, understanding and will never judge you. We know how hard it can be and that is why we are here to listen. 

Thank you again for sharing your story and please feel free to update us on how you are going if you are comfortable. 

Kind regards, 
Sophie M

[tranzcrybe]

An observation I gleaned from your post is that you do go quickly to the big picture! Nothing wrong with that when first getting a handle on the enormity of any task, but I think you get stuck there and overwhelmed to the point of being frozen with fear... and the inevitable self recriminations.

Okay, you make good points on all potential requirements, outcomes, risks - that is quite a skill (I think you would make a good risk assessor for an insurance company 😄), but your main focus now is solely reading and absorbing the world of bureaucratic mumbojumbo that is centrelink.

Find a comfortable spot - in the garden, some pleasant park, or just anywhere you feel calm. Grab a cool drink and a big notepad as well as at least 2 different coloured pens (or a pencil and pen, or your favourite markers... whatever holds your attention). Start reading through the application process, noting (in point form):-

|_1_| > what you need to do (proof of eligibility, identity, medical reports, etc)

|_2_| > what you find unclear (so you can address these things - over the phone if required)

|_3_| > any other conditions you'll need to meet for/from other people.

Try to use a separate page for each of these headings and tick them off as you complete each task. I realise you probably do everything on screens, but trust me on this...
- writing is physical and helps things to sink in;
- colour is stimulating and can register the relative importance of task or confusion to be resolved;
- having a pretty file of your work can be comforting and reassuring to browse over when you start to doubt/question your grasp.

Once there are no more tasks, you are ready to lodge the application, but don't be surprised (or alarmed) when requests for more information will come back to you - just do as above and you'll be fine.

[geelt]

I'm just spending all day doing nothing productive or enjoyable. Playing frustrating or bland games, mindlessly scrolling online or just laying in bed. No productive thoughts in my brain. I don't know where to start.

I don't want to get out of bed or go outside, don't want to interact with people. Nothing to say, nothing I want to do, don't enjoy things anymore. Don't like talking to people but there isn't any way around it.

Mum won't stop reminding me that I have no friends and is painfully blunt about it. "You used to have friends but now you do not have friends". I wish she could stop saying unnecessary things but she can't help it. I'm going to have to tell her the truth about everything and I have to hope she won't tell everyone she knows about it like usual. I can't explain to her that I don't want her to do those things because then she will be hurt and upset and I don't want to think about family anymore. Would be nice to cut all contact and move out but I don't have anything to live. Job money house rent time commitments unexpected accidents problems health.

I need to learn how to deal with failure when I have not been trying for 3 years. 3 years and nothing to show for it.

Everything is too complicated, not unlearnerable. Just makes me want to shake and scream and bang my head on a wall when there is too many things that dont matter but do matter bleh. If i need to calm down after everything then i wont get anything done regardless when anything works me up then i have to calm down but only time will calm me down when i try to calm down then i just lose it and make a foo l of myselfd.

I can get myself to do things but its not like I want what I do to become some employable skill. I can do some knitting or drawing or origami but I don't want to do design or architecture or engineering or anything like that because if I did then I would not have wasted all this time trying to get myself to get myself to get the degree.

No social skills, no motivation or discipline, no productive or employable skills, just a mediocre excuse of an adult.

Just wasting time waiting for my next appointment with my GP that won't get anywhere. The psychology clinic never ended up calling me and I don't think it would have helped anyways.

I don't know what I should and need to do. If I go to get help and they tell me to 'choose a course I'm interested in' again I'm just gonna break down and scream and cry. 3 years spent doing nothing.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Geelit, Things sound really overwhelming at the moment, and it could be worth talking to one of our counsellors about what you’ve been facing. Especially as you said that a mental health service didn’t get back to you. That can be incredibly disheartening and upsetting, and it can be hard moving forward after not getting a response from your previous attempts. If you can, we’d really encourage you to try to call the psychology clinic back for updates.  The other thing we'd encourage is getting in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport and can help with just talking, and also making possible plans or referrals for the future. If you’re worried about your safety, we’d also encourage you to contact our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

[tranzcrybe]

You can always rely on parents to tell you what you don't want to hear - especially when it's true.
Speaking to your parents seems to be the biggest hurdle for you as you have empathy for their reaction, guilt for your own avoidance, and no option in your head other than to cut and run. None of these thoughts are healthy as they drag you in opposite directions.
Truth has only one direction and it can be liberating to address this millstone you've carried every day for the past 3 years.
Yep, there will be a few ruffled feathers, but then what? It is how things are and cannot be 'disputed' and it is not your responsibility for how people choose to think or react - that is entirely up to them.
More importantly, how much will this experience empower you to finally accept and move on? What you want in life is precisely what you need to do, and while seeking professional opinion and support is beneficial, it may not adequately provide absolution from your earlier decisions - own these and rebuild from there.
So you feel you have spent 3 years doing nothing? Quite the contrary - you have suffered your own mental persecution from conflicted emotions, increased self awareness, and confronting your own limitations. Many people take a lifetime to make this discovery and surviving such ordeals can ultimately see you more focused and balanced when you emerge to the other side - you just can't see that yet. This phase of your life is but a blink of an eye - win, lose, or draw; and yet is a crucial element to the tapestry of your future by its occurrence, not outcome.