Frustrated and stupid idiot that sabotaging life by being a joke of a person who wastes people time incoherfent rambling on a forum

[geelt]

Everythings just keeps getting worse because i am stupid and its all my fault and im not going to do anything to change becaused im stupid. I am honestly baffled about how much I am ruining life by being an immature loser. I refuse to see any help outside of university or whatever I can make an excuse to go to without acytually doing anything that will ake a difference. Going to a mental health service by saying im going to study on another campus then spending half an hour walking to the facility to get no help because theres nothing that they can do to help me. Then keeping up the stupid charade 3 times while doing nothing myself to improve my life because there is nothing i can do I cant move out of home my parents dont want me to get a job i am stgupid and let myself listen to the gp and take antidepressants when they wont magically change anything. Then getting frustrated and overwhelmed and break down crying and frustrated going no where with my thoughts then wanting to lie down to calm down but then they make me go outside to walk right next to the busy road and i have to try keep a rational mind when the loud noises just make it worse then when they finally let me lie down they make me go to the hospital even though i keep saying that i cannot stay there at the hospital when they said that the time is unpredicatable when they can see me and then dont give me the option to refuse then leave me at the hospital waiting area for mental health for 8 hours and by then its 10pm and i am just frustrated and overwhelmed and have no explanation to tell my parents then i get frustrated and breakdown then i am no longer able to stay rational then start self-harming becaue its all my fault and im stupid then get stuck in the mental health ward for 2 weeks and it was okay until my parents came to visit and it just made me feel worse. then they made me take medication now I am presently no longer takinf them because they remind me of everything and im too frustrated and stupid medication now i cant sleep because of withdrawl and i keep gettting angry about everything and i cant move out of home and being home makes me frustrated but i am lucky to have a home in the first place but im stupid so i cannot apprecate it because im stupid and i cant move out and my parents dont believe in psychiarist psychologist mental health and it all just makes me frustrated and seeing gp just makes it worse so i leave midway though because im just going to self-harm.

[geelt]

Hi Here2Talk,

Sorry for not replying sooner, my pet bird died this morning and I I've been trying to detach myself from everything. Didn't help that I saw how sickly and struggling they were as they died. Didn't have enough time to take it to the vet, died when we were getting ready. I would always stress about it but still feel sad that they're gone. I didn't cry but still feel disheartened about it all. Feels worse having them die on us instead of flying away like the rest before. A lot of regret about what I could have done, what if I noticed earlier then maybe they could've be saved. I keep telling myself that I can't blame anyone about what happened, the death was unexpected, they were fine last night. Maybe I did something wrong, maybe I didn't notice them swallow something and choke before it went to sleep yesterday. It was surreal.

Sorry for side tracking.

Constant worry and fear does a lot more in retrospect. Getting absorbed in things to take your mind off the isolation and worry takes your mind off how much your actions ended up shaping the present. It's easy to say "I should have tried harder to make friends or talk or be more sociable" when its all over and your looking over things as a third party away from your mind at the time. Not sure if my thought makes sense here.

I don't have any physical injuries or health conditions, just thinking about how underdeveloped or stiff my joints and muscles are distresses me. I keep cracking my back when I know its probably will make things worse. Visualising the tight and underdeveloped my back muscles makes me freak out. How messed up my spine and joints are, how its all my fault. My parents have problems after doing heavy work when they were younger. It makes me feel pathetic and weak.

I need to look at resources for how to stretch but it doesn't feel like i'm getting everything. I need to do more, do lots of things at once. I know im looking too far ahead. I know my thinking is dumb and I just need to things. I'm just going to start getting into the groove of things then something will happen and I let it stop me from continuing. Everything's an excuse for me.

My parents never got any education, being refugees from the Khmer Rouge. They only learnt from exposure, after living in NZ and Australia for 20 years I think. I try my best to explain things easily for her and help her out but things get lost in this. I'm just making assumptions but there's a lot of issues that they both aren't going to face.

[Here2Talk]

Funny you should mention (well not funny really) that you had your bird die on you yesterday- ours somehow got out of its cage and flew away yesterday. My wife saw him early this morning perched on a power line across the road, and then he flew away.... don’t know if we will see him again....

I’ve been reading up and a theorist by the name of Leslie Greenberg puts forward the idea of excessive worry as being caused in childhood when a young child has an experience or a series of experiences that parents are unable to or don’t soothe and allow the child to processes fear that is sufficiently threatening to create this vague sense of unease, tension, fear, like the world is a dangerous place ... The book is called Emotion focused Therapy for Generalized Anxiety ... This kind of anxiety is not associated with one thing, but kind of attaches to anything that could be dangerous or unpleasant.

I definitely identify with this, and have had this vague “dread” hanging around in the background which surfaces intensely now and again.

i have this same thing as I think I perceive in your writing - thoughts are very rapid and come flying at you a million miles an hour and you just want to get them out, but it’s never as satisfying as you imagined it would be....

I have started flexibility training (stretching) literally like Sunday night, some of the same worries as you. Part of me wants to get flexible because I think it will be good for my mental health, and part of me worries seeing old decrepit people and thinking gee I hope I don’t become that. Just worry about health in general, and that I’ll get cancer because of my diet, my weight etc... What’s your age and gender Geelt? And I’m also wondering about the language barrier- do your parents not speak English?

The main expression of / compensatory behaviour for my anxiety/worry is trying to achieve things (eg creative, academic etc), but these things are inherently difficult and unpredictable, which makes for a very distressing life.

i think it’s extremely hard for people with constant worry to form friendships mainly because we feel the world is unsafe, so we’re extra cautious around unpredictable things, and what’s the most unpredictable thing in the world??? Other humans!!!

your thinking is not dumb my friend 🤗 indeed your thinking seems very smart, but also troubled... I always start things and lose steam too; because I’m worried that I’m doing the wrong thing or I’m no good.

[geelt]

Theres always a hopeless feeling whenever a pet bird flies away, isn't there. They have the minds of toddlers, but they also can fly so you can't chase after them. It makes you feel powerless, you never realise how powerless you are until you can't get something right in front of you. I've had about 5 birds fly away from us, I wish my Dad hadn't kept on buying more. I do hope that your bird shows up and that you both are handling it well, it isn't likely for it to show up but it isn't impossible. I always think about running into one of them whenever I go for a walk around the area, probably just can't let the possibility go.

I can feel that some of my anxiety stems from not knowing how to process my feelings and emotions. I've been stifling my development by avoiding everything. It gets harder to explain as time goes on. It feels like I will be looked down on for not knowing the basics of being an adult, which in turn makes it harder to actually go out and learn these things through trial and error. Its hard when you want to fit in but it gets jeopardised by not knowing how to.

I'm a 20 y/o male.

I think it all boils down to accountability for me. I can only blame myself for any problems I run into with my health. There's so much news and articles about what you need to be doing to be healthy its overwhelming. Then its hard when you think that it would be so much easier to just not be alive in the first place. I'm a pathetic thinker.

Its easy to look at people then blame them for their actions but understanding that all I'm doing is making myself feel better by looking down on others makes me hate myself for being toxic then correcting myself. It would be so much easier to fall into a negative judgemental mindset but I know its wrong so I stop myself. Probably a coping mechanism for always feeling judged by others that I became so hypocritical. I have to keep hammering it in so I don't become a pathetic person.

I couldn't get to the point with my last reply, I was just writing whatever came to mind so I didn't hold it off any more than I was already. My parents can speak English but what they know is limited. There's always been a disconnect between us and its only gotten worse as time went on. They want to help but don't know how and it always ends up with them wanting to handle everything, because that's all they can do.

It's really hard accepting the unpredictability of things. I ended up rambling again, not enough characters to write everything

[Here2Talk]

Sorry I haven’t replied sooner. my 3yo son has been sick and spent a day in hospital with fevers and vomiting and stuff... seems to be on the mend now though. Thank god.... Birdy hasn’t come back, we still have the cage open in hope though.... I don’t think it will happen. Part of me is sad that he’s gone, part of me hopes he is - well alive at least, but enjoying being free... it has felt terrible having him in a cage. We got his parents about ten years ago, they passed a few years ago now. We had them out every day before having kids and cats and a dog and full time jobs, it has been very hard to let him fly around the house for a while now..

anyway, enough about the bird I guess. Part of it is the tragedy of life I think. If you ever read some Ernest Becker- Denial of Death, you’ll know what I mean. It’s a very confronting book though...

what’s the problems you say you run into with your health?

you are young so that is one thing you have going for you. You seem quite perceptive too. I know that nothing necessarily helps, but I was in your shoes about a decade ago- twenty, agonising through a degree, spending most of the time worrying about anything and everything instead of studying (just reading some of your older comments again above). I felt depressed quite often, hard to get out of bed....

it’s hard to know how to process emotions, especially when you are sensitive to the pain of uncertainty - to some people it is an adventure but to me - and perhaps you - it is terrifying; and life is full of it...

avoidance is a reaction to psychological pain my friend... I’m in the same boat or having all this information to improve - I know that having your finances in order and eating healthy and exercising are good, and I want to do some meditation and more stretching because I know it’s great for your physical and mental health, but it seems all too difficult.

What are the basics of being an adult that you don’t know???

[geelt]

Hi Here2Talk,

I hope your son makes a quick recovery, glad to hear he's getting better now.

I'm mostly worrying about getting back problems in the future and other health problems from sitting down too long. Could stand to lose some weight as well. Just scared of constant physical pain because of my choices.

I can relate to what you said about uncertainty. Its hard to focus on the journey and end goal when everything is so unpredictable.

There is a lot I have no idea about. Employment, thinking about how to present myself to others, housing, diet, finances, the list goes on. I know I just need to get experience with things but I can't get myself to start. I just don't want to think about it at this point and I know I need to focus on my wellbeing.

Still need to tell my parents about everything still. Psychologist I was waiting for is now no longer offering their services. No ideas in my head. Should look for a job. Only going to continue this cycle if things keep up. Can't think about it without having a mental breakdown again.

university job life purpose why cant explain issues cant put things off forever

[Here2Talk]

Thanks Geelt, my boy is much better now. He’s turning four in the last day of this month ❤️
how is your social life at the moment? How is uni, you mentioned design, are you still doing that or have you stopped atm?

i Hear you with all of the worries: I still am worried a f about diet, exercise, finances, keeping the house together in terms of housekeeping duties… none of these are going particularly well, although I do manage to make it through. …


I’ve one year left of honours in psychology at the moment, and I’m trying to cram as much in the break/figure out what I need to drop in my life… I have so many projects on the go and it’s exhausting because I have this feeling of dread at the thought of failing at any of them: at the final stages of having written and recorded an album, I want to start a YouTube channel sharing stuff I have learnt from psychology and philosophy, and in general songwriting with other people, promoting my music, trying to be healthier, exercise, meditate, do stuff that is good for body and mind, spend more time with my family…


Sorry I didn’t mean to make this about me, just sharing I guess… you have a lot of the same concerns as me…. But you at least are thinking about working on things, the next step is working on them hey….. I get the feeling you’re bewildered by how many things there are to work on and how they all seem to command attention at once?


I have started looking into subreddits throughout reddit for information on where to start- I have started with the flexibility one, and have started with their recommended routine for stretching, I wonder if this is something that might interest you too? Can’t comment much as I’ve only done the routine twice so far but I’m hoping to continue

[Here2Talk]

Ps what happened with psychologist who is no longer available? What do you think your parents will think about the problems you’ve been experiencing

[geelt]

Hi Here2Talk,

Glad to hear your son is well.

I don't have any social life.

My degree is on hold for now. I have not come to any conclusions whether or not to continue with it. Don't think I will return at this rate. Still need to talk to them about what to do, have not been able to ask anybody about it recently, a lot I need to get sorted. Harder to tell my mum when I've been putting it off for too long. Need to gather my thoughts up.

Its hard when thinking about everything makes you feel pessimistic and things feel bleak. I don't like how all those thoughts end up going to "I wouldn't need to bother with these things if I didn't exist" when it only dampens my mood.

Don't worry about sharing what's been going on. Yeah, there are a lot of things I feel that I should be doing, but I'm not going through with them yet. Feels like its pointless unless I am going to do them instead of saying I'll do them later, like saying tomorrow is when I will try getting some proper sleep then forgetting about it the next day.

I've been trying to get back into drawing and artsy stuff lately. Been making maquettes out of cardboard and pipe cleaners for drawing reference. I end up overcomplicating and overthinking even when doing these sorts of things. Just need to stop being critical and harsh on myself like usual. Just coming up with ideas I think are interesting and having to flesh things. Uses a lot of brainpower for something that's just a glorified arts and craft project. Just been too out of practise again. Mind keeps thinking about money/career while doing it, just ends up being annoying hearing the thoughts.

Feels like I've just been lazing and messing around these past years doing nothing.

I think having a look at the stretching routine would be useful. Worth trying something out or at least to have a read through when I have lots of nothing to do.

The clinic didn't give any direct reasons why they're stopping their psychologist services.

I don't want my Mum being hurt that I didn't tell her the truth, or that she will try to help/feel bad about not being to help. I don't know, my head goes all over the place when I try thinking about it, just a part of me dreads the idea of telling her.

[Here2Talk]

I don't have a social life either, per se. Well, I have a very good friend in Brisbane, perhaps my only close friend. I also don't have time to be hanging out really, life's really full on right now.

I found it impossible to make friends all my life. I wish I could advise you on how to do that, but I would be lying. I know that it is a very good thing for people to have, though. Not to put you down or anything, it's not like "do this or your life will suck", but if you can, then all the better.

You're in a tough predicament regarding study. I did a whole music degree and then was going to be a school teacher but that didn't work out (debilitating social anxiety and having to perform in front of a crowd of teenagers with an adult scrutinising everything you do and say was without a doubt the cause). So in a sense I wasted four years and $25K. I did meet my best friend though, so I suppose it wasn't all a loss. But now I have the tax man sucking money out of me every tax return, now that Scotty Morrison recently lowered the threshold for repayments - so that sucks!!!

[Here2Talk]

Maquettes sounds cool. I feel like you don't value the things a lot that you do - or at least you wish you did grander things... I know that feeling. About the grandest thing I have ever done - or am nearly done with (don't count the chickens until they hatch) is writing and recording a pop-punk album all myself....

Art is incredibly difficult, even maquettes from what I was looking at. I did try to do art as a side hobby for a few years, drawing and painting. It's incredibly tedious and actually really intellectually demanding, trying to compare proportions of length, distance, and perceive angles and shapes.... Sooooo difficult.
Creative endeavours take a lot of pain to create (e.g., art, music), and are incredibly difficult to make money off of.... That's why I'm trying to not get too hopeful with my album. It is probably a good idea to retain the right balance between respect and love for what you do, and skepticism about how successful it will be...

I certainly wouldn't want to advise you on whether to continue or not with your studies- there are a whole lot of things connected to that decision, like your desires/goals, what your parents think, how you will handle continuing or deal with not continuing; what you'll do about money for the rest of your life (make a living). If you want to I'd be honoured to talk you through it whenever you want though.

The guy in charge of lots of teachers at my last school prac placement said to me when I was failing at being a teacher: that I need to find something to put bread on the table, and parse off your spare time for the things that light your fire. I thought music/teaching was that, and that I could pursue philosophy; now I realise music also was that....

I get the pessimism and bleakness man - one can only worry so hard for so long before he gets depressed...

Would love to keep talking to you about your studies, your plans, your thoughts and your family to help you sort through these things if you want. Just let me know.

(p.s. there is a post before this incase you didn't see it - I ran out of characters left)