Frustrated and stupid idiot that sabotaging life by being a joke of a person who wastes people time incoherfent rambling on a forum

geelt · ‎20-07-2021

Everythings just keeps getting worse because i am stupid and its all my fault and im not going to do anything to change becaused im stupid. I am honestly baffled about how much I am ruining life by being an immature loser. I refuse to see any help outside of university or whatever I can make an excuse to go to without acytually doing anything that will ake a difference. Going to a mental health service by saying im going to study on another campus then spending half an hour walking to the facility to get no help because theres nothing that they can do to help me. Then keeping up the stupid charade 3 times while doing nothing myself to improve my life because there is nothing i can do I cant move out of home my parents dont want me to get a job i am stgupid and let myself listen to the gp and take antidepressants when they wont magically change anything. Then getting frustrated and overwhelmed and break down crying and frustrated going no where with my thoughts then wanting to lie down to calm down but then they make me go outside to walk right next to the busy road and i have to try keep a rational mind when the loud noises just make it worse then when they finally let me lie down they make me go to the hospital even though i keep saying that i cannot stay there at the hospital when they said that the time is unpredicatable when they can see me and then dont give me the option to refuse then leave me at the hospital waiting area for mental health for 8 hours and by then its 10pm and i am just frustrated and overwhelmed and have no explanation to tell my parents then i get frustrated and breakdown then i am no longer able to stay rational then start self-harming becaue its all my fault and im stupid then get stuck in the mental health ward for 2 weeks and it was okay until my parents came to visit and it just made me feel worse. then they made me take medication now I am presently no longer takinf them because they remind me of everything and im too frustrated and stupid medication now i cant sleep because of withdrawl and i keep gettting angry about everything and i cant move out of home and being home makes me frustrated but i am lucky to have a home in the first place but im stupid so i cannot apprecate it because im stupid and i cant move out and my parents dont believe in psychiarist psychologist mental health and it all just makes me frustrated and seeing gp just makes it worse so i leave midway though because im just going to self-harm.

Guest9337 · ‎04-08-2021

g'day tranzcrybe, I like your post above, cool man. If doing nothing leads to despair/hopelessness than it is a wrongful act, in my opinion. Absence of action is itself an action that has a cause and effect.

Imagine if Great Britain had not chosen to enter WW2 on behalf of Poland. What might Germany have done if they were unrestrained by other nations during ww2 times?

Yes, however I totally agree with saying what you mean and meaning what you say! However, we also have to note/accept that deception exists and is a useful trait. Does one tell ones known enemy ones weaknesses? No - and that inaction is a prudent choice to minimise risk to self.

So even though we love and except being genuinely honest and open and transparent - more wisely we are prudent about the limits of those ideals we value.

love dng.

Guest9337 · ‎04-08-2021

oo oo. see that "except" above, that should be "accept". lol. notice how the entire meaning changes with my typo. woops, sorry... where is my editing staff?

geelt · ‎05-08-2021

Thanks for the reply,

I can understand the sentiment from your reply and agree with what you said. It's difficult for people to be on the same level when they have different feelings and thoughts on the issue. Things are never plain black or white, personal bias always ends up clouding our judgement and it's difficult to mediate anything without one party getting hurt.

Communication has always been a problem in my family and I know that in the end, my parents just want to do what's best for us but often overstep their boundaries. I always end up being the middle ground, hearing what both parties are trying to say.

My Dad bought some photography lights for my brother because he didn't want my brother to be taking photos outside, causing mosquitos and other bugs to occasionally fly in. He always tries to help by buying things but it always leads to frustration when the recipient does not need it or it causes problems. I know that there is no malicious intent behind any of his actions, but it can feel stifling having to factor those things in when you just want to do something on your own. My Dad talked to me about how he wanted to buy these lights for my brother but I knew that he wouldn't/ didn't want them. I tried to explain that to him but its difficult because my Dad always gets angry whenever things don't go his way or opposes his view on things. I couldn't persuade him to not buy it, he keeps on trying to justify the purchase by defending his choice in ways that are not that relevant.

I then told my brother about even though my Dad told me not to, I couldn't stand watching the events play out how I knew they would but it didn't end up making a difference. I believe my brother also feels frustrated about these things and tried to come up with a way to stop my Dad from buying the lights but he still bought them anyways. Afterwards he got upset and wanted to stay in his room and my Dad got furious and was about to lose it. They eventually sat down and started yelling at each other with the rest of us listening what they had to say. My sister started crying and my Mum tried to butt into their argument but the only way for them to resolve it was to keep yelling at each other. I tried to help my Dad understand but he could not accept it. Everyone was crying besides me and my Mum, I just felt hopeless and she already accepted it after their marriage. My brother and dad still aren't talking, my Dad smashed the lights in anger. Communications always a problem.

geelt · ‎05-08-2021

Hi D'n'G

I'm feeling alright.

I've come to accept that my family won't ever see eye to eye but we still care about each other in the end. Still feeling hopeless about things and the tension is still there. I'm still feeling lost about the future and university and getting a job. Worrying about it without coming to any conclusions won't help with anything but I'm not doing anything to find anything.

I have not really used art to express myself, I've tried picking up and drawing again but just end up getting frustrated. My abilities have atrophied and I need to start practicing again but its frustrating when I don't enjoy it anymore and I have to just force myself to keep going which is frustrating as well. I'm just having trouble visualising and translating my thoughts into any artistic form of expression, my mind just comes up blank when I try drawing anything and its frustrating. I shouldn't expect much from myself when I have not been doing any practise but I expect too much from myself and am never happy with the end result. A perfectionist that doesn't put any effort or try to improve.

My lack of discipline has always been a problem.

I've started going for walks again to try distract myself. Listening to podcasts or audiobooks to stop my mind from wandering and getting frustrated. I need to do more but don't know what to do and end up getting overwhelmed by everything.

Thanks for replying

Isabella_ · ‎05-08-2021

Hi geelt,

I've just read through your posts and they're very hard to read.. it's very clear you're in a cycle of a lot of self hate, and I know that you feel trapped by your depression and living situation, and what you've been through to try and get help.

Thank you for sharing with us the things that echo in your head and what you've been through. I appreciate your vulnerability. You are not stupid - I know that you believe that you are, but I'm here to tell you you're not. Everything you're going through it not your fault. Don't be sorry for not articulating yourself in the clearest way, because to be honest, your frustration and overwhelm is said point blank how it is and that doesn't need to be sugar coated.

I hope you can use the forums to talk through some of these things with us in more detail. I'm interested in knowing why your parents aren't allowing you to get a job, why you aren't able to move out of home.. Why aren't you allowed to be making decisions for yourself? There's a lot I could ask.. I hope I can hear more about your story. I'd love to hear from you.

Again, thank you for sharing with us, we're all here to listen.

geelt · ‎07-08-2021

Hi Isabella,

Thanks for the kind words,

I'm not too sure why my parents don't want me to work. Whenever I brought up getting a part time job they wanted me to focus on my studies and would say I don't need to worry about money. Maybe if I kept on pushing and asking they would have let me get a job. My sister got a part-time job briefly before quitting due to the work environment. My parents would always talk to me about how much they were against her getting a job. I try to keep in contact with my parents and talk to them about daily things, I don't think I could handle hearing them say bad things behind my back, I end up getting frustrated and panic when I hear them possibly talking behind my back even though I know it isn't a healthy mindset. I keep coming up with reasons why I cannot get a job. I need to get my license if I want to drive myself to work and don't really like having my parents sitting next to me.

My parents don't want me moving out yet, only when I get a job and my own house, which feels impossible for me when I'm so indecisive. I don't want to cut all contact with them.

I'm a pushover and find it difficult to go against what my parents want. I'm frightened of getting them angry and getting everyone involved in their anger. I am easily pressured into doing what they want me to. If I say no they will keep pestering me until I say yes, they occasionally get really frustrated when things don't go their way. I am not assertive enough, don't want to deal with getting them mad.

It's hard to do anything on my own when I still need to rely on them for things. I can try to cook my own food, but then they still have to cook for my siblings and they aren't that cooperative when it comes with coming up with ideas for what to eat. I don't want the fridge to get too crowded with food and hear my dad complain about eating leftovers. My mum has trouble deciding what to cook and I don't know what my siblings want to eat. I appreciate them always cooking food for me and sometimes cook my own food if its what they already prepared.

I have a lot of self doubt, I don't trust myself making the right decisions. I can deal with failure but don't like dealing with the aftermath and end up too scared to take risks. I don't like trying to explain things when my parents don't fully understand and I am bad at getting my thoughts across and don't have anything to share in the first place.

Guest9337 · ‎08-08-2021

G'day geelt, thank you for your extended reply, I think/feel I am a little closer to understanding you now.

I on forward a communique an established painter/artist expressed to me quite some time ago.

"You have to be ok with making mistakes in your painting expressions. My own paintings evoke and provoke many different responses and they are all valid. One painting I hated and thought was crap, provoked feelings of contemplation amongst a person who reached out to me sharing their story... so we cannot perfectly predict what our art will do to others."

I've used my own words to paraphrase his meaning.

Essentially the meaning is, if one wants to be a painter, one will paint and paint and paint and even love the mistakes, inaccuracies, and the _____. Just keep at it, all responses are worthwhile for an artist.

Isabella_ · ‎10-08-2021

Hey there,

It sucks being caught in indecisiveness because of your parents and family's expectations of you.. even more so the fear that they will speak bad about you. Especially being dependent on them for so many things.. it's so hard to have a sense of independence. And on top of that, already having a low self esteem and distrust in your decisions in life, being overwhelmed about the future is so hard.

There's a lot on your plate. I'm really glad to hear that you've seen a GP to talk about things. You've said some things that are optimistic which is great to hear. Not only this but you've written about goals you want to achieve. You might not see it but the glimpses of optimism I read in your posts is really significant, it shows a lot of strength.

I've had to cut ties with someone I've lived with for my whole life just out of fear of being judged and constantly ridiculed, hearing them talk bad about me to other family members in my house. Still living with them is hard and I'm so desperate to be independent. A lot of social anxiety has made it hard to find and stick to part time work, as well as keep up with my studies. Every now and then I'll have a breakdown and think about my future, and I always seem to convince myself that I'm not resilient enough to actually do what I want to do. The hurtful things that were said to me still repeat in my head.

I don't want it to come across like I know the right answers or that I know better in any way, but do you think that getting a job part time (even for just a couple hours a week) would be a good step in getting out of the house, and kind of owning a little bit of control over your life?

From an outsider looking in, I think if it's something you want, then no one can take it away from you. Objectively, taking a few hours out of your week to earn a bit of money isn't detrimental to your studies. It shows that you're determined to take the initiative to learn new skills in a working environment, you know? If only your parents could be open minded to have that perspective.. even if you said it would be helpful for you to get out of the house, or just try something new.

I know you feel really stuck, and it's painful and frustrating to not feel in control because of other peoples perspectives and your own mind. I hope that you find the strength to navigate through this and take the steps to do whats best for you, not what other people think you should be doing.

I hope you're taking care of yourself 🙂

geelt · ‎13-08-2021

Hi d'n'g

Thanks for the reply.

I haven't been able to think of a proper reply for the past couple days.

I don't know if I want to an artist anymore. I need to make so many changes in my brain and I don't know where to start and can't get myself to do anything.

I know I need to be more flexible in my thinking, to not get caught up on failure. My mind goes blank when I try to do anything and trying to get out of things just gets me frujstrated. I'm just stuck in a rut now. Can't get myself to stick to good habits and hating myself for being stupid and not trying to change anything. I need to get my brain sorted before I can start enjoying drawing or painting again.

geelt · ‎13-08-2021

Hi Isabella,

I don't feel that I am capable of doing part time work. I need to get myself back to the base line of being a functional person. Need to stop getting overwhelmed by basic tasks before I can do anything with any pressure. Gettingthrown into the deep end would be better than nothing. I don't have any confidence that I can do anythingwell anymre. DOing nothingwont make me better I need to do soemthing but I am not making mysef do anyhthing becaue im stupd.

Been making mysefl fail without trying now I am at rock bottom without doing anytinf productive.

If I want to do new things I need to first stop spiraling into self hate when I make mistakes.

I don't know what I want in life anymore. I dont want anything. I hate who I am and have become and will not change myserlf because I am not worth gtting better, i just dont feel like life.

I've been making myself do small things that only take a few seconds to do but feel too lazy to do but it eont change anything uneless i dont know.

Too many issues i need to work out.

I am not in the right mmind to be thinking aboujt everything but I wont do anything unless I make myself but i wont.

My mind is just a jumbled mess and no amount of hating myself is gonna fixit but i dont knowwhat will. My heads empty besides useless distrations.

I dont want to do anything but dont want to be lazy useless but i am lazy useless so pathetic how far i have degraded as a person.

seeing psychologst wont do anything because im just going to habe a blank head then get told they csnt help eme if i dont do anything i am not in control becaue im stuopid everything frustrating cant