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Fighting for my dear life
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Hi PocketRocket88
Was having a discussion with a friend just yesterday about why we exist or something along those lines. Of course, it's all philosophy, all a matter of opinion as to why we do.
I think in some ways we exist to become more conscious, which might help in explaining why we enter into states of self reflection or self analysis. We can't become more conscious if we don't ask key questions. Some of the typical questions: 'Why am I here? What is my purpose? What is the point in being here? Why am I suffering so deeply?' etc. While I've asked such questions within deep periods of depression over the years, I've come to realise they are the same questions asked within philosophy. The questions all equate to 'What is the meaning of life?'. So, I suppose you could say there is a philosophical element to depression. The down side to this is if we're depressed without a fellow philosopher to help us make sense of it all, we're left alone to work it out for our self. I wish there was more of a philosophical element to mainstream psychology. In my opinion, there is definitely something lacking in this area. Maybe this is one of the reasons as to why transpersonal psychology is gradually becoming more popular; it explores the deeper questions.
While in some stages of life we may ask the question 'Was I born to suffer?', I've learned through personal experience that I am not born to suffer but find out why I'm suffering. I've discovered prolonged periods of suffering often come down to the fact there is something I am yet to be conscious of, the thing or things that will change everything.
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Hi PocketRocket88,
Try not to use the word "fix" when you're describing how you feel. Maybe use a word like renew; remembering that you are yourself, and you shouldn't have to feel the need to fix yourself when you are fine as you are. Sometimes we just need a little boost to get through hard times 🙂
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This past few days has been a stable yet busy days... I've been flat out busy keeping up with work... Which kept me out of my own head which kept me safe from harming myself...
Today is a different story tho, today is the birthday of my Late Aunt. She passed away on April 2013... She is someone who is very important in my life even upto now... She treated me like one of her own, she comes running to my aid when I needed someone, she always makes.me feel loved and secure, she truly believed in me, she was awesome... But now that shes gone, all of those have gone with her... I regret not saying how much she means to me before she died... I hated the fact that I was here while she's back home suffering...
I know she's been gone for awhile now but it still pains me to think that she's gone.. I wish that I can have one more day with her... I know she would rather have me with her than see me suffer like this...
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I'm currently seeking refuge in a friends place at this moment... Trying to Rideout this nagging urge to end my life... I don't need anything right now, all I need is a space where I can ride this out... I don't want to be with anyone but my friend not do I want to talk to anyone (I get nowhere anyways when I do) ...I eventually will have to go home and tbh I wouldn't know if I'll be safe then or not... Well, we'll soon find out...
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Thank you for sharing this update. It's really good to hear you're able to feel safe with your friend while you ride this out.
We can hear you're feeling unsure about what your next steps are when you go home and how you will stay safe. We’d really recommend putting together a plan for your safety, or checking in with it if you already have one. Some find the Beyond Now safety planning app really useful. You can read about how it works and where to download it here. You can actually call Lifeline on 13 11 14 and talk through it with one of their counsellors over the phone if you'd like.
Of course, we're here for you always on 1300 22 4636, and our team has reached out to you privately.
Thanks again for sharing. You deserve to feel safe, and we really hope that being with your friend, and sharing with the community who cares for you here is helping you to find that safety. We hope you can feel proud of having taken these really great steps.
Kind regards,
Sophie M
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TW STRONG SUICIDAL IDEATIONS AND URGES
Today I woke up late for work, so I just took the day off... I've been at home alone trying to not dwell on what's in my head but they just wouldn't stop... The constant nagging thought of doing the 'plan'... This thoughts and urges just lingers and hasn't stopped...
At this moment I can still somewhat control myself... I'll try to ride it out but no promises... I've been in this road before and it can go either way... Hope All ends well tonight🤞
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TW SUICIDAL IDEATIONS AND URGES
Today I woke up in hospital, don't know how but I was there... As always I had to talky o the mental health team from my local hospital... I told them what was going on these past days and even told them that I feel my mental health is in massive decline... They sat and I do hope they were listening and paying attention to what I'm saying... I thought they would say something useful or something I can use to keep myself safe in times like this... Surprise surprise, nothing... Still nothing...
Seriously why do I even bother going to hospital when I feel unsafe specially when I know that I will get discharged and comes out empty handed...
These is why I'm starting to believe what my inner demons are saying and showing me... It is so much easier and simpler if I just do what these thoughts are saying... Like nothing really stops me or nothing seemed to be keeping me here... Or atleast that's what I think.. i need to see the worth of my life soon before it's all too late...
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The last few days has been abit better and so I thought until today…
today, I feel soo tired or more so like exhausted… don’t know if it’s because of my work shifts which is doing mostly overnights for the next few weeks or is it because mentally exhausted as well pretty much have a low mood or there’s the combination of both…
I’m slowly losing control over my mind as well as my physical self… the voices may have been taking control more than I know… they’re adamant to take me and my life no matter where And what I do… they seem to not want me to be better or atleast feel good… multiple things keeps popping up in different settings…
Each time I take a positive step I seem to take 10 steps backwards… I guess what I’m saying is that I truly believe and convinced that the reasons these voices has been nagging me about is that my future is to stop holding onto that slither of hope that it’ll get better coz it won’t ever come anyways… .
