Fighting for me v. so very tired of everything

[Annewithan-e]

I’m so very conflicted. I’ve been fighting with myself for some time now. I get so very torn between fighting for myself, my wellness mentally and physically and being so very tired of myself I wish I wasn’t here.

I know I don’t want to die but I’m sick of feeling like this and sometimes think it would be better if I wasn’t here. Does that make sense?

I feel like such a burden. Like resources would be spent elsewhere. I feel like I’m trying so hard to get better but I’m failing. I’ve had 13 surgeries in the last two years.

I’m battling my past which has come back to haunt me when I have the least resources I’ve ever had in my life. I have so many hopes, wishes, desires... but I can’t pull myself out of this deep deep heaviness.

I am so confused, just under a year ago I was more unwell than I ever have been... I never acknowledged how unwell at the time, I was told I had about 12 weeks to live if I didn’t take certain action. Through it all I prioritized work and hardly missed a beat there but ever other element of my life suffered greatly. It’s only just hitting me now how bad things were... and how I chose to face it. How naive and ignorant I was.

[Annewithan-e]

Thanks Here2Talk. I wrote a a reply but I can’t see it.

[Here2Talk]

Oh okay. Sometimes things removed by moderation, sometimes the interface of these forums is glitchy and your writing will sometimes get erased before it posts..: it’s trying.m because I can write super long things at times ...

Keep chatting if u wanna talk 

[smallwolf]

There are a number of reasons why a post might not appear. I would suggest you write another post on how you are feeling and go from there. Your persistence and fight shows courage and I assume you are also doing things I would at one time take for granted - eating, sleeping, doing. All of these small things are positives. With that said I imagine this to be an extremely upsetting and frustrating time for you. I know that online meetings can be done and not ideal and may be one way of talking with family and friends when possible?

Tell me how you are going?

[Annewithan-e]

Thanks guys.

smallwolf I don’t really talk. I find it incredibly difficult. I mean, I talk a lot, just not about anything vulnerable. I freeze constantly when trying so hard to talk to my psychologist, who I trust, but still constantly fail.

im still very shaky. Perhaps as bad as I was last time I posted. I was scared of myself, still am now. I went and got some medication for depression anxiety - it has been a very bumpy ride trying to convince myself to take them, and still trying to deal with side effects. I feel worse, as well as very sick and sleepless.

I feel like I’m trying everything to help myself but seem to be getting worse somehow.

[smallwolf]

Hello.

I don't know what the side-effects are or how long you have been taking your medication, but it sounds like you might want to have a chat with your GP about how they make you feel? They can take some time for your body to get used to them.

the fact you are talking with your psychologist is a good thing. It can be difficult to show vulnerability. I have been in that position myself. And I would say you are struggling and not failing. Is it possible that when you did this before (that is, showing vulnerability) you were made to feel worse? It does not have to be the same situation you are talking about. For example, some many years ago said "nobody care what you have to say" to me and that can have a strong impact in other areas.

But one thing I did was also to write things down (on my phone) and would give my phone to my psychologist to read. The helped me in being vulnerable.

Or

What would make it easier to talk about?

Still today when I answer a question posed by my psychologist I look in the corner of the room so it is like I am the only one there. Find our own ways of dealing with these sorts of things.

You are an awesome person.

[Annewithan-e]

I’ve been taking them 2.5 weeks. First week I was very nauseous- vomiting and dry retching, headaches. Nausea has mostly gone, but headaches still here, add in jaw clenching and waking up drenched in sweat. I’m the past I’m sure I would have stopped taking them by now, but I’m desperate to find some kind of relief. I’m just so scared I’m out of options and ready to give up.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Anne(withan-e),

We are so sorry to hear about what you're going through; it sounds like it has been a tough time. It takes a lot of courage and strength to reach out for support. The community will be here to listen and chat with you. You can also reach out to Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636 or Lifeline 13 11 14. If you feel at risk please don't hesitate to call 000 (triple zero).

 

[smallwolf]

hello.

It take a few weeks (4-6) for medication to come into effect (for your body to get used to them) so it could be that - I am no expert. Still, i would keep noting down the feelings, sensations etc. and have a chat with your GP if you want reassurance. I had bad side effects from the first medication I was on and eventually went off them. But I always kept notes so that I would not forget.

Forever listening...

Tim

[Annewithan-e]

Feelings are bad. I don’t (rarely) even drink but tonight I am. I just have this intense hatred for myself.
This is such a big week for year 12 in Victoria (if you remember I’m a teacher) and I also just feel overwhelmed and useless. I just can’t pick myself up and rally like I normally would. I just want to be in some kind of oblivion.
I’m so disgusted with myself. I can see how much good is around me. How lucky I am in so many ways, but there is this big gaping void that just sucks me down into it. And I just go there like some pathetic attention seeking drama queen. Why can’t I just be here, present, grateful - what is wrong with me????

[Here2Talk]

It’s not your fault Anne, it’s not like there is a “self” inside of us that is choosing not to be grateful, present etc. Rather, we are organisms that are made up of lots of biological processes that sometimes cause us to have a tendency to be more depressed and self critical, which is amplified by what goes on in our lives.

sorry to hear of everything. How are you going with your work, managing to hold your job together??

here for you.