Fighting for me v. so very tired of everything

[Annewithan-e]

I’m so very conflicted. I’ve been fighting with myself for some time now. I get so very torn between fighting for myself, my wellness mentally and physically and being so very tired of myself I wish I wasn’t here.

I know I don’t want to die but I’m sick of feeling like this and sometimes think it would be better if I wasn’t here. Does that make sense?

I feel like such a burden. Like resources would be spent elsewhere. I feel like I’m trying so hard to get better but I’m failing. I’ve had 13 surgeries in the last two years.

I’m battling my past which has come back to haunt me when I have the least resources I’ve ever had in my life. I have so many hopes, wishes, desires... but I can’t pull myself out of this deep deep heaviness.

I am so confused, just under a year ago I was more unwell than I ever have been... I never acknowledged how unwell at the time, I was told I had about 12 weeks to live if I didn’t take certain action. Through it all I prioritized work and hardly missed a beat there but ever other element of my life suffered greatly. It’s only just hitting me now how bad things were... and how I chose to face it. How naive and ignorant I was.

[Annewithan-e]

Nope, nope nope. No glimpse.

im completely trapped I don’t see the point. I tried. But Melbourne is just so stupid and short sighted.

we have a nasty ego centric control freak of a ‘leader’ who just wants to control us. Take away our ability to make decisions about our own lives. Take away any hopes goals ability to better your situation, take care of yourself physically or mentally.

Why keep trying? The cure is worse then the disease. I can’t get myself together without this also trying to crush me and those around me. And cause everyone to turn on each other and judge and compete. This is not a place I wish to fight to be in.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Anne,

Thanks for joining in on the forums tonight, 

We're so sorry to hear how trapped and tired you feel. We can empathise with your frustration and how overwhelming it is to be continually in lockdown. Although it is uncertain when, please no this will not be forever. There are lots of great memories and moments to be had. 

We want you to know we're here to provide you with as much support, advice and conversation as you need. Whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

Our Support Service is also trying to reach out to you via email. 
 

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Anne,

Im so deeply sorry that this horrid lockdown is causing yourself to feel trapped...

I live in country nsw and the people who do adhere to the rules has brought the visual into our communities out here...which is so very sad....There will always be people who think they are above the law and do what they want to...

One thing we must realise is that lockdown is not a punishment....lockdown is caring for ourselves and our family, friends, neighbours etc....I know it’s harder for some then others...

During lockdown, we need to keep ourselves busy, doing things that when we were always to busy to do...Maybe a nice project..something different from everyday projects, so when all this is over we have something special we created..

Have you looked at YouTube 5 minute craft...wow their are lots of easy projects on their to try without spending money...When we had the mouse plague out her..I made a mouse trap using the instructions from YouTube...it worked and I have it forever.....Maybe you could have a look at all the different things that could keep your mind busy....

This will pass Anne, just like every other virus that has come to invade Mother Earth and her children....Please Anne...Keep faith and believe that it will pass and know that you are doing the very best you can in horrible circumstances....

Keep talking here beautiful Anne..we are here for you whenever you feel to talk or vent..

My kindest thoughts with my care..

Grandy..

[Annewithan-e]

Thanks for trying to help. But I’m busy. So busy. I don’t sleep. I teach VCE students. I can’t get on top of my work. I am so worried about my students. So worried about my own kids. So worried about my husband not having work and staff to pay.

Craft or activities won’t help. I used all those strategies last year. I’m over them. They do nothing any more. The only thing that helps is to hurt myself - I run or walk until I hurt or collapse. I’m only 3.5 weeks post surgery again and I’m so sick of everything. I don’t see the point. Where is the hope? Where is the ability to control our own lives? What can we plan for or look forward to.

the only thing stopping me from giving up completely are my kids.
One of my daughters friends took her life this week. I’m both jealous of her and disgusted with her. How is that?

im so triggered by being controlled and told what to do and prevented from doing things to help myself. Thinking of how many peoples lives are being destroyed in so many ways, including being trapped at home with people who hurt them. this is completely pointless

[Sophie_M]

Hey Anne(withan-e),

Thanks for posting tonight. 

We're so sorry to hear how defeated you feel at the moment. We can hear how many stressors are going on for you and this must be so overwhelming. Is there any way you can get some extra support from work and with your teaching? 

We acknowledge your distress about the current lockdowns. We also experience disappointment and difficulty with Australia's current situation. We hope one day soon this will all be a distant memory! There is a lot to look forward too. 

If you feel up to it, we'd encourage you to reach out to our Beyond Blue Support Service, which is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.  You are not alone here, and we hope that you keep us updated on how you're going.

[Sophie_M]

 
Dear Anne,

We’re so grateful to have you reach out to our community this morning and are so sorry to hear everything you have going on at the moment. Times like this can definitely get overwhelming . We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you. 

We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
Keep checking back in with us whenever you feel up to it. 

[smallwolf]

Hi Anne,

My wife was a teacher. Her sister is a teacher. Both high school. My mother (retired) was a teacher. (Lots!)

Not having been throught it myself I know that teachers do a LOT. And it must seem like you are constantly playing catch up. I think you have the tools and strategies also. I find it is easy to get consumed by negative thoughts that prevent us from doing what needs to be done or smothers positive thoughts.

One thing my psychologist suggested was to have a worry time. There are apps, but I find that putting it onto a list was more effective as I could throw it away afterwards. So I write it on a separate sheet of paper. If I get distracted again put it onto the paper. And one time in the day I can give myself to that list. The other thing to note what we can or cannot do or control as in that prayer (name I cannot remember but also used in AA)

That may or may not work for you.You are a good person, teacher, mother, wife, etc.

[Annewithan-e]

The last week has been very difficult.
I have felt overwhelming urges to die. Desperate anger at my own patheticness - that’s not even a word, but I’m using it. So angry I just want to destroy myself.
I have emailed my psychologist every day as I’ve felt desperate - but then hated myself even more for my neediness and selfishness.
I am fighting every day not to do something I can’t take back. It’s hard to feel that there is hope, especially here in Melbourne.

[BB_After-Hours_Moderator]

Hi Anne,

We are so sorry to hear that you are feeling overwhelmed. We understand that this feeling must be difficult, especially if you struggle to open up to others and reach out.

We would strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

f you would like some help finding additional mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.

[Here2Talk]

Hi Anne,

I’m so sorry to hear that. Is your psychologist of help to you?

i don’t know you but I know pain and want you to know that in my eyes (even though i can’t see you), you are a person who matters. I feel privileged to talk to you.

Why do you think that you are pathetic (your patheticness you speak of) my dear?