Fighting for me v. so very tired of everything

[Annewithan-e]

I’m so very conflicted. I’ve been fighting with myself for some time now. I get so very torn between fighting for myself, my wellness mentally and physically and being so very tired of myself I wish I wasn’t here.

I know I don’t want to die but I’m sick of feeling like this and sometimes think it would be better if I wasn’t here. Does that make sense?

I feel like such a burden. Like resources would be spent elsewhere. I feel like I’m trying so hard to get better but I’m failing. I’ve had 13 surgeries in the last two years.

I’m battling my past which has come back to haunt me when I have the least resources I’ve ever had in my life. I have so many hopes, wishes, desires... but I can’t pull myself out of this deep deep heaviness.

I am so confused, just under a year ago I was more unwell than I ever have been... I never acknowledged how unwell at the time, I was told I had about 12 weeks to live if I didn’t take certain action. Through it all I prioritized work and hardly missed a beat there but ever other element of my life suffered greatly. It’s only just hitting me now how bad things were... and how I chose to face it. How naive and ignorant I was.

[Annewithan-e]

Jumpy jelly fish. I’m trying, but I’m getting a bit defeated. I walked so much last year, it was good for me, but I’m struggling a lot with surgery recovery/pain and crazy low blood pressure. I keep trying to push myself but have ended up doing damage a few times. It’s really frustrating and I feel pathetic and fragile... and weak. I’m just wondering if my peak has passed and this is it from here... it won’t get any better? I’m so scared

[smallwolf]

you said you were struggling with the time and how long its taking.

can i ask what you are referring to?

(if we are talking mental health I always had the feeling of the goal posts moving backwards and never reaching the end. With the help of my psychologist I have found some ways of handling these thoughts. If you like I could share.

I also notice from your reply to jumpy- you referred to surgery and recovery and pushing yourself. You sound quite determined as opposed to weak.

do you have any distraction tools?

[Annewithan-e]

No, how long I’m taking to make any progress, to be able to talk or share etc... open up.

and as for distraction tools, I think work is one for me, friends... but as long as I’m not a burden... normally sport and outdoors but that’s a bit difficult right now. Food - but that’s a bad choice for me and fraught now as well.

[Annewithan-e]

I really am struggling. I have so much around me I should be happy for right now but I can’t find the joy in anything.
I know I am self harming, in indirect ways, but they’re pretty damaging. I’m just so angry, so so disgusted with myself.

My psych is wonderful, but I feel maybe I’m too much for her. I feel like such a drain on everyone. I’m sick of myself.

I think this anger at myself is eating me up. She says it’s misdirected anger, but I just think I’ve let myself down so badly.

[smallwolf]

Hi. Not sure if you will get something from my story... I was at my psych today talking about stuff. On a positive note I told her that I can almost say thank you without a but or full stop. When people complimented me I can easily deflect it. That small change took over a year for me to make.

I have written elsewhere on the forums little things to help me move forward even if slowly.

You are also not a drain on your psych either - this is also a conversation i have had with mine. Sometimes I have felt like a fraud and there are other who need more help than me. And she tell me I am deserving of help just as anyone else. And so are you.

My anger comes from hurt that happened in my teen years and earlier about 30 years. I cannot change what happened, except recognise my talents and resources and strengths. But that will take time. The power that words can have over another person.

My psych likes me to reframe things... writing an alternate possibility is somewhat easy but believing that is harder. It takes time. Like me, you are on a journey .

Peace and comforting thoughts, Tim.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Anne (withan-e), thanks for dropping by on the forums tonight,
We can hear that tonight is a really difficult one for you and are so sorry to hear this. We can also hear that you feel very angry with yourself and can empathise with these feelings of anger. Sometimes it can feel like if we stay angry at ourselves it might stop us repeating mistakes in the future. Do you think this could be a contributor to your feelings of anger? Please share with us more about your feelings of anger and how we might help you to manage these feelings. 

Please remember we're are here if you'd like to talk through these thoughts and feelings with someone. Our Support Service available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport.

We hope that you keep checking back in and let us know how you are going when you feel up to it. We're all here for you.

 

[Annewithan-e]

Tim, you seem to have so much more patience than me. I feel like I’ve completely ran out of patience. Like I’m sick trying so hard to make some progress, then I do something stupid that sends me flying backward. I know I’m focusing on negative, I know I need to see the good around me etc, and there is so much I SHOULD be able to find some warmth in... but I’m just getting nothing, and that’s scaring me.

[Annewithan-e]

I have never thought so, but my psych has asked me to consider why it’s there, that it must be self protective in some way...

When I really think about this, it’s probably there to stop me from underachieving, being lazy, or allowing someone to see my faults and weaknesses. To keep me working hard to keep up the facade that I am capable or confident or unaffected by poor treatment or abuse. So no one sees fraud I am.

So then I’m ashamed of my neediness and vanity and deserve punishment. I need an outlet for my self hatred because it’s too much.

[smallwolf]

firstly, I will admit to not going back over your story and where things might have started for you. But in relation to patience, thank you and it took me a while to get used to the never ending possibility wrt my mental health. To get past the moving goal line, I compared my journey to that of the monkey story (journey to the west) and a maze, and jigsaw puzzle. On the jigsaw puzzle the problem I faced was how many pieces are there. And then I remembered something which Brene Brown mentioned when seeing her own therapist - after explaining her situation and then asking a how long type question, the answer was along the line of neither long nor short, it is was it is. So the answer was I don't know, and I got used to that over time. Impatience while not idea can be changed over time. And perhaps gives hope for "other" things.

[Annewithan-e]

I don’t know that I really have provided much of a story. Just come on here and griped about everything, in times when I’ve felt a bit desperate and scared to be alone.