Fighting for me v. so very tired of everything

[Annewithan-e]

I’m so very conflicted. I’ve been fighting with myself for some time now. I get so very torn between fighting for myself, my wellness mentally and physically and being so very tired of myself I wish I wasn’t here.

I know I don’t want to die but I’m sick of feeling like this and sometimes think it would be better if I wasn’t here. Does that make sense?

I feel like such a burden. Like resources would be spent elsewhere. I feel like I’m trying so hard to get better but I’m failing. I’ve had 13 surgeries in the last two years.

I’m battling my past which has come back to haunt me when I have the least resources I’ve ever had in my life. I have so many hopes, wishes, desires... but I can’t pull myself out of this deep deep heaviness.

I am so confused, just under a year ago I was more unwell than I ever have been... I never acknowledged how unwell at the time, I was told I had about 12 weeks to live if I didn’t take certain action. Through it all I prioritized work and hardly missed a beat there but ever other element of my life suffered greatly. It’s only just hitting me now how bad things were... and how I chose to face it. How naive and ignorant I was.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Anne(withan-e), 
It really sounds like you're having an intense internal battle with yourself, which must be exhausting. We're so sorry to hear how conflicted you're feeling, particularly around physical and mental health concerns. 

This is a safe, non-judgemental space to talk things through and our community is here to offer as much support, advice and conversation as you need but we would also strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467). 

If you're not already linked in with health care professionals and feel it may be helpful, we’d recommend reaching out to he Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals. 

Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it. 

[jumpyjellyfish-]

hey Anne(withan-e),

First I want to say that what you say makes complete sense. I know what you mean when you say you don't want to die but you're sick of feeling like you are and as though you would be better off not here. It can be hard to want to keep going sometimes when things get especially tough, and it sounds like you definitely have gone through a lot. I would suggest something; that battling it out and fighting to keep moving forwards is defined as success in many ways, not failure. You say you feel like you're trying hard to get better but feel like you're failing. Putting in the effort to get out of bed in the morning - or not, but that's ok too - is success in itself. You mentioned that there were elements of your life that suffered greatly during this time that you've only just come to realise yet, at the same time, you've still managed your work exceptionally. I know it may not feel like it but I can agree wholeheartedly that yes, I can tell you've been working super hard to get better but no, you aren't failing, you're doing the opposite. You don't have expect to be able to resolve everything at once Anne, and I would challenge you to make being regretful of being 'naive' or 'ignorant' a thought that comes, you acknowledge, and learn from. It can be hard to move forwards after tough situations in life but wanting to get better is the very first step which, is just another example of success.

Take care, we're all here for you

[Annewithan-e]

Thanks, that’s so nice of you to say... but I’m not doing so well.

I’m kind of drowning in it all. Some days it’s harder to summon yourself to come back up for air...

[quirkywords]

Anne with an e

You have read that Sophie and jumpy jellyfish have given you support and helpful suggestions.
13 surgeries in last two years who affect you so greatly.

I can imagine you would feel overwhelmed but having an insight into your feelings .

I hope you can be kind to yourself,

takcare.

[Annewithan-e]

Sorry.

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Hey Anne,

Are you going ok?

You said it felt like you were drowning. I'm sorry it feels like that for you, this kinda stuff is hard, really hard, but you can push through.

Just wanted to check with you... what do you have to be sorry about...? We're here for you Anne... you can talk to us.

Jumpy

[Annewithan-e]

I felt like my reply was ungrateful or inappropriate or something. I’m sorry, I don’t know how to fix myself, I feel so pathetic. I’m trying so hard, but I feel like I’m making it all worse, I can’t even do the forums right.

[jumpyjellyfish-]

It's ok, your response wasn't ungrateful at all - you don't have to pretend to feel ok when you're not feeling it, and your not 'doing the forums wrong' at all. This is a space for people to share their struggles and get support from others who might've been through similar situations and want to help you and care about you. 💖

I understand where you're coming from when you say you feel pathetic... I can relate, and it can be difficult to shake the obstructive thoughts of worthlessness that cloud your judgement because those negative thoughts are individual what's actually real. You might not believe it at the moment, but you are not pathetic, you are worth it and you are strong and you deserve to get better. Reaching out is proof of that; having the courage to share with strangers what you're going through indicates that you want help. Taking it step by step or little by little is not a bad thing to do, it means you are moving forwards. It's the small steps, like reaching out here, or doing things for yourself to take care of yourself, like going for a walk, cooking a yummy meal for yourself or listening to music that can provide relief from the tough times. Pushing yourself to do things that might seem hard or not worth it which will make you feel better, if in the least temporarily. That being said, you don't need to feel any pressure to 'fix yourself' as you said because you are going through a lot and are likely the harshest critic of yourself.

Stay strong Anne, rooting for you 💜 take care and keep reaching out, you deserve to be and feel supported

[Guest_4643]

Hello Anne(withan-e), welcome.

I'm really sorry to hear how much you're struggling, and that you've had so many surgeries.

You're not a burden at all.

I'm here if you want someone to talk to, I'm sorry my reply isn't long and may not be helpful, I'm not sure what to say. But I do care, and I'm here to support you as much as I can, we all are.

Take care, stay safe xx