Emotionally, spiritually and physically tired

[Supermum]

Hello all, the last 2 and a half years have been exhausting and I feel like I am just living in an empty universe. I don’t want to talk to my family, my psychologist or anyone . I just want to be quiet and alone. Sometimes life is bearable and I love my children and feel more committed to living but other times I just want it to stop. For the silence and peace to begin. Would it be so awful for those around me to no longer have me in their lives as my constant up and down with sadness must be as tiring for them as it is for me. Things that used to help me focus and be grateful for small things don’t seem to snap me back into place and I just don’t want to do this anymore pure and simple.

[Supermum]

Hi

I believe that what’s the point of writing anything if you can’t be honest. Especially on this forum , you not fooling anyone really. It helps for me to be honest and reflect on what’s happening and how I could manage things in written form .

It makes me feel safer to know someone else knows .

[Supermum]

A letter I’ve written to my psychiatrist

Firstly I wanted to apologise for being teary and left quickly last Thursday. I just started to feel anxious, overwhelmed and just needed to calm down outside.
I get so used to trying to hide my emotions and how I’m coping that I almost convince myself its true.
I still feel reluctant to be entirely honest with you when you’re asking me questions about how I feel about myself or if I have any thoughts of self-harm as I don’t want to feel exposed or make myself vulnerable and certainly don’t want the thoughts I have to affect my workplace as work is a place I can be someone who is effective and competent and strong and it is an escape from reality.
I often used to write down what was happening with my Dr and my GP as I initially struggled to admit and felt very much ashamed that I wasn’t coping and what intrusive thoughts I was having. Hence my email to you today.

Ok… you asked me about intrusive thoughts, and I minimalised the answer. I do feel like punishing myself most days depending on the stress levels and feelings of hopelessness. I often think about self harm. These thoughts are so loud sometimes that I cannot concentrate and have to either read to focus on something or I clean ++. Having the children around helps and being at work certainly distracts me.
When I was in hospital I read and kept myself to myself this was to focus on something else to allow myself to be somewhere else, anywhere but where I was and am so I suppose it’s a self-help and self-soothing but also an indicator to how overwhelmed and suicidal I feel and felt.
I was hoping things would improve without alcohol and things being calmer but with changes in financial pressures for us and J not working, I feel more pressure to be performing, to be the provider and to cope, to not be able to take a day off or to say I can’t work.
My daughter A (the one with ADHD and EUPD) is also very challenging as you are aware and having heightened anxiety and aggression which is more difficult to manage as I am tired from working extra shifts. She has expressed suicidal thoughts also but no clear plan. I often feel overwhelming guilt for her being this way and helpless into how to help her. 
 

I thought I would share this here too.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Supermum, 

We wanted to write and say how thankful we are that you are able to share how you are feeling in such an articulate and open way. It sounds like you are having an incredibly difficult time with both work and family pressures and we are so sorry to hear that. 

We think that it would be great for you to reach out for support on the phonlines, either ours or one of the other wonderful groups that offer phone counselling. This would give you another chance to talk about how you are feeling. 

Beyond Blue - 1300 22 4636
Lifeline - 13 11 14

You can also call 'Parentline' to talk to someone who understands the pressures of parenting. There is a different number for each state and territory which you can here.

Thank you again for being a part of the community and for posting here today. 

Kind regards, 

ModSupport

[smallwolf]

hello again. It's me.

I have also written the odd email to my psychologist. I find that some things are easier for to put into writing than saying out loud. For the same reason, I also let my psychologist read my journal on my phone. It is a way for me to put what might be half an hour of thought/writing somewhere which she can read and saves me having to spew forth whatever I have written down. For some reason, and I think I know why, those fleeting and intrusive thoughts are hard to me to talk about. On the flip-side I can write it down and hand over my phone! Go figure.

Now...

with everything happening that you described in the note to you psychiatrist I am not surprised you would be feeling stressed. You already know (in your note) everything that you have do at the moment and that is on top of not drinking. I am sure that you are also working with your psychiatrist to work out ways of dealing or managing the pressures you are facing.

Are you getting time for yourself?

[Supermum]

Just a question for advice , lots of stress at home , on a fine line really but I e been having episodes to feeling like I’m not in myself , like im watching myself . I feel like I’m not attached to myself . Like im in a bubble . Any ideas

[quirkywords]

Hi supermum,

I found your email to your pysch so honest and insightful and I could relate to some of what you were saying. Thanks so much for sharing the email it will help all those reading it.

I have felt unattached and like I am watching myself. When I had a traumatic event 18 months and I felt it was happening to someone else.

I think that was how I coped.

You are under so much stress that maybe watching yourself is a way to cope.

Does that feeling of not being attached last for long? How do you feel after the episode is over.?
Do you gain any insights during the episodes.?

Sorry for questions . I am just trying to u derstand how it feels for you. For me it felt natural and I think it helped.

[smallwolf]

hi Supermum (and waves to quirkywords),

from what you are saying it sounds like a coping mechanism for all the stress you are feeling. It is something you would likely want to chat with your psych about.... Of course you could also google "feel like i am watching myself" but that may step into self-diagnosis.

How does it feel for you? Is it scary? Are you OK with it?

[Supermum]

Hello, sorry I’ve not been here for so long, I informed my psychiatrist about the feelings of detachment, he said stress related and just to talk with him about it every 2 weeks when I see him just to see if it’s distressing or worsening . But the impression was it’s how my mind was trying to cope in a different way. It doesn’t last long just when I get overwhelmed .

I have started feeling overwhelmed not only at home but at work which I don’t like as works my safe place or has been. I just want to cry and run , escape or just disappear ….
Ive started drinking again which is annoying , disappointing and pathetic but this I guess or I hope is just a little setback .

Hope your all ok

[Supermum]

Hi quirky,

How are you ?

The feeling of being not myself I don’t enjoy at all . I feel out of control and I don’t like to feel like that at all . But I guess it’s my body’s way of helping me cope .

[Sophie_M]

Hi Supermum, 

We are so sorry to hear that you are feeling out of control and not yourself right now, that can be a really difficult thing to sit with. Thank you for showing so much courage in being able to share how you are feeling with us on the forums. We know that talking about these feelings can be a great step towards positive mental health. 

We want to remind you that you can call us anytime on 1300 22 4636 and talk to one of our wonderful team. They are there to listen to you and help find ways to feel better within your self if they can. It is great that you are linked in with a treating team, but please know that we are here for you if you ever want a chat. 

You can also call our friends at Lifeline on 13 11 14 if you prefer, they are also kind, caring and understanding. 

We hope you can have a restful day Supermum, please feel free to check back in if you want to - we are here for you and you are not alone. 

Kind regards, 
Sophie M