Emotionally, spiritually and physically tired

[Supermum]

Hello all, the last 2 and a half years have been exhausting and I feel like I am just living in an empty universe. I don’t want to talk to my family, my psychologist or anyone . I just want to be quiet and alone. Sometimes life is bearable and I love my children and feel more committed to living but other times I just want it to stop. For the silence and peace to begin. Would it be so awful for those around me to no longer have me in their lives as my constant up and down with sadness must be as tiring for them as it is for me. Things that used to help me focus and be grateful for small things don’t seem to snap me back into place and I just don’t want to do this anymore pure and simple.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Supermum,

We're sorry to hear how worn out you are feeling. We think you are so brave to continue reaching out to our fourms community here with such honesty. We know it isn't easy but it is so important that you have. We want you to know we're here to provide you with as much support, advice and conversation as you need.

Our Support Service is reaching out to you by email as we are worried about you and want to know if you are safe. You can always reach out to the qualified mental health professionals there day or night on 1300 22 4636. Our friends at Lifeline on 13 11 14 and the Suicide Call Back Service  on1300 659 467 are also available to you 24/7.

If you feel like you are at risk of harming yourself or others it's important to recogniose this for the emergency it is and call 000 immediately.

Please keep checking in and letting us know how you are getting on whenever you feel up to it.

[Supermum]

You have all helped so much in the past but I just don’t have it in me to engage with a councillor in a phone call . I don’t know what lies ahead so I guess I shall just wait and see. I want a drink but I am working tonight . The cravings when I am working are hard to deal with . Drinking makes me numb and the meds make me forget

[Sophie_M]

We can understand not feeling up to speaking on the phone when you are so exhausted. The fact that you're reaching out to us here is great. If you feel more comfortable typing that talking to one of our counsellors, you can webchat them from about now until midnight tonight and all nights via: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/get-immediate-support. We thought you might also like to visit DrinkWise: https://drinkwise.org.au/drinking-and-you/support-services/#.

[smallwolf]

hi. I know of the feelings you speak of... that is, of wanting to be alone when you are down. For myself, I am also aware that at the same time I can get lost in my own thoughts and perhaps rather than doing something as a distraction I will ...

Can you tell me what recently happened that made you feel this way? Or has it always been there?

What were some of the the things that used to help you?

I am stuck in a valley at the moment if you want to use the analogy of journeying to the top of a mountain. I am going back to things that used to help. One of those things was listening to a talk by Brene Brown on vulnerability. In writing here you have shared a little of yourself, and opened up which in itself takes courage.

I hope you will come back to share a little more of your story...

Tim

[Supermum]

Hi , I have shared my story before on this forum so there is not much more to add but I just find my self lately full of regret , lost , hopeless and sad . I agree going back to things that you think helped is where I keep finding myself ... not the best coping strategy to just drink and engage in dangerous behaviour. But I don’t want to be here struggling , what is the point ? Where is the light because I just cannot see it .
I have tried to focus , self care and focusing on the little things but it feels so overwhelming .

It feels like Groundhog Day and inside I’m screaming , begging for silence

[Sophie_M]

Hi Supermum,

We're so sorry to hear that you're in a dark place at the moment. We can hear that you've been trying really hard. We recognise it as progression that you are so reflective about the way you've been coping.

It sounds like you're feeling really sad right now, so we hope we can give you some support. We are getting in touch with you privately to offer some extra support tonight.

[smallwolf]

I found a little of your story elsewhere. I would ask what you feel that you regret or have lost but that can wait for another time. As Sophie_M said it sounds like you are in a really dark place at the moment. I also see that you are searching for answers - where is the light?

The story my psychologist told me was that sometime to find a better path to get to the top of the mountain I would have to go down into a valley. For me the valley has a bottom and then on my way upwards again toward he light - that you seek. Sometimes it might be a brief glimpse but enough to show it is still there.

There are a few ideas from my psychologist I could share if you were interested. At this time I want to you know that how precious you are - like a piece of kintsugi art. You might not understand this reference just at the moment, but it is something that has helped me work through thoughts about myself.

Peace and comforting thoughts to you,

Tim

[Supermum]

Hi Tim ,

thank you for your reply , yes I would love to hear any thoughts from you or your psychologist.

lianne

[smallwolf]

when I mentioned my psychologist, these are things that have worked for me so I cannot claim any credit or otherwise. Ideas for writing -

(1) reframing thoughts

(2) journals of various types - gratitude, things to look forward to today, etc

(3) One day we spoke about kintsugi art. I spoke of being broken and my psychologist did not like that word. (Prior to that we I was speaking about perfection. I described seeing other people as like clean white plates. And me, broken and cannot put back together.) And when I got home after that session I did a little reading about it etc. If nothing else, they celebrate the cracks, and uniqueness of the object and telling a story.

(4) I have found some analogies to help me to accept how I am so that I don't have to worry about getting better. Yes it would be nice but not stuck in never ending spiral downward.

(5) reading - things like the happiness trap and other books on depression etc.

(6) various mindfulness exercises. (here though I have to listen to someone else otherwise I find it difficult to concentrate.)

(7) watching videos from Brene Brown and Russ Harris.

There are other things. Some of these might peak your curiosity, others might not which is why I have listed these rather than explain in detail. If you are interested in any of the above, let me know, and I can go into more detail.

Tim