Don’t think I can put in another day.

[BeaB]

I don’t even know where to begin.
Not one crisis line is picking up and I needed to talk to someone.
Everything about me is bad, and broken and wrong. I have been told countless times by every ‘acquaintance’ I have ever had, that I am vile and worthless scum. That I am a pathological failure of a person and In addition, I have also been dumped and passed on by half a dozen psychiatrists.
Every day of my life is a testament to how abhorrent and evil I am. I cannot do anything right and every day for me is a mess of confusion, desperation and pain.

I want to end it very badly, but am simply scared. And for the last month or so, been flitting between acting or hiding from my thoughts.
The mental health industry are at a loss for how to help me not being a bad person. What do I do?
I think about becoming a nun, but I am not religious. How do I live my life doing positive things if I have no skills or talents?

[Sophie_M]

Hi BeaB, welcome to the forums. We're so glad you decided to joining us here tonight, it really sounds like you're struggling and need the support right now. Please know that you've come to a safe, non-judgemental space to talk things through and our community is here to offer as much support, advice and conversation as you need. 

Well done for reaching out on a number of different telephone services, we're sorry to hear that you've not been able to get through. It sounds like you really do need to talk and should have that opportunity no matter how worthless you may be feeling right now. 

If you think it could be helpful to try calling again, we would really recommend the Beyond Blue Support Service (1300 224 636), LifeLine (13 11 14) or Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467). 

We hope that you will find some comfort here on the forums. Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.

[Aaronsis]

Hello BeaB

It is lovely to meet you and I am so glad that you have reached out to the forum when you had trouble connecting with other online or phone services, as Sophie_M suggested, please do not give up on them, it is a really rough time and these support lines are in such high demand, but you are important and you are also worth support and assistance so please keep trying.

I am so sorry to hear that you feel like your "acquaintances" in life think you are vile and worthless scum, that must be so very hurtful to feel and if you wanted to talk more about the people in your life, or even lack there of we can chat some more about that if you feel you would like to. As you are learning, not everyone is a friend, and that is fine too, we have to keep searching until we find "our people" in life, those who resonate with us, share the same values and who we have a mutual respect for.

I can hear how much pain and desperation you are in and I am wondering if even sharing here has made some difference to you and how you are feeling. We are here to chat and to listen and it is a really safe space if you wanted to share some more of your life with us, more of your story.

The days I imagine must feel so long when there feels like there is no reason to stay, but can I suggest that even if you can find one reason in a day, that is huge and that is enough. Thinking that you may like to be a nun shows to me you can see some small amount of light in your future which is so wonderful to hear. Are there any other things that you feel like you might like to do, regardless of if you feel that you have the skills or lack there of, it is awesome that you can see tomorrow, and have dreams and feel hopeful, this is wonderful.

I know you probably know this already but thoughts are just that, thoughts and not actions, we have to do nothing with them and while I know it is probably easier said than done, and does take some practice, we can tell them to leave, to shut up and to dismiss them, as they are rarely truths.

I hope to chat to you some more BeaB, as we are here for you, in whatever small way that might bring some light and some comfort to your day, even to the next hour or the next few minutes.

Hugs to you BeaB

Sarah