Don’t know if this is good or bad

[H-c]

Hi, so a while ago I was feeling really how do I describe this? down in the dumps. Last several months including last year . So um I still have these thoughts and all and I’m still irritated 24/7 to the point where ppl asks why I’m always mad. How do I tell them I’m not and I don’t know why I’m feeling this way either? I still have mini panic attacks and feel like disappearing every time... Everyone still assumes that I’m okay and I’ve got everything figured out but why couldn’t they see (I mean of course they can’t see) that I can’t sleep, and stay up till 1-3 trying to sleep because of all these thoughts and trying to figure out how I wouldn’t disappoint them or let them down why am I expected to know everything. Like I’m not some superhuman or anything.

So yeah... that’s basically it I don’t know if it’s good or bad. If it is on a scale of one to ten on it being bad ten being the worst how bad is it.

[leesy_lou]

Hey H-c, so glad to see you back here.

From what your saying it sounds like the days are becoming extremely hard, I can imagine that right now getting through the day is an achievement, and you know what... it really is considering how you feel! You seem to be doing what you can manage and have tried multiply ways to tackle this anxiety and depression, so it really serious. You are right to be annoyed at your friends for not treating it so.

I totally get why you now feel hesitate to go back to the doctor after the last experience you have. Being brushed off is something I know happens to others as well and its disappointing, considering you found the strength and confidence to go in the first place. It does sound like getting help and being listened to is something that you really feel you need though.

Do you know about other ways to access help, other than that GP? From personal experience I can guarantee that headspace drop-in centers are really kind.They are for young people up to 25 (sorry if your not!) so if your in that bracket that could be a really caring place to go. I also know they will take you seriously which is important. Heres a link: https://headspace.org.au/headspace-centres/

Otherwise a GP specialised in mental health. I know its not top of the list of options but it is still available, and it could be the start of something better, a chance for the relief you are longing for. If or when you are seeing a new GP for the first time I know that you may feel daunted by the experience. A useful tip is to write down how you're feeling ahead of time. Here's a quote from another forum member:

"I frequently suggest to people that they write down their symptoms, feelings, thoughts etc before attending their appointments. That way you can refer to your paper without having to think about what to say. Trying to put into words your thoughts when you are already nervous can make you more nervous. So prepare ahead. The doctor will understand. If you still cannot speak then just give the paper to the doctor to read. I have done this on several occasions and it makes life a bit easier."

Oh and about what your friend said - it seems like they clearly knew you weren't okay (you pretend really well). I do wonder if this was their way of reaching out or starting the conversation?? maybe they thought that acknowledging that they had noticed was helpful - it clearly wasen't and it hurt. Seems like out right asking would have been way more appreciated

[sisu100]

Hi H-c,

Having a panic attack might feel like a setback right now and another reason to beat yourself up. In hard times, I try to remember that progress isn't linear- it's a process, and sometimes we do have some ups and downs in our journey. With time and support and giving yourself lots of TLC, things will get better and you will get out of this hole.

From your previous posts, I can see that you’ve been dealing with anxiety for a while. Anxiety attacks can be really frightening and overwhelming and can leave you feeling exhausted afterwards. How are you coping since Friday? Do the anxiety attacks happen often?

It seems like social situations, whether they be with strangers or even your friends, make you feel really anxious because you worry what others might be think about you. It is perfectly normal to be nervous occasionally during social situations- I know I still get nervous about speaking in front of lots of people. It seems that your fear though is overriding your emotions to the point where you can’t be happy and just enjoy your time with your friends. I imagine it must have been so disheartening when you saw your friends having fun while failing recognise the pain you’re experiencing. It sounds like this makes you feel really alone and that no one else can understand how you feel. It’s not your fault and I'm sorry you feel like no one cares. I’m wondering if there is someone in your life that you can open up to, who you trust and can be honest with how you’re feeling? I know you mentioned that you’ve tried talking to some friends but they just told you to rest or meditate. Have you tried to reach out to these friends again to let them know how you’re tracking?

Please do continue updating us whenever you feel up to it.

[H-c]

Update (last one maybe):

one of the days i was really happy i don’t exactly know why or how but it was scary happy not normal happy like i was so excited for no reason but i knew that the next day i will feel really terrible. It was like I’m on sugar rush or something but these days I’m just really tired i got sleep i think... but still tired like i couldn’t focus on things around me or people talking to me even i keep on zoning out and when i tell them I’m really tired of everything they told me to sleep it off. If only i could do that. I don’t even know what to feel anymore sometimes I’m numb sometimes I’m irritated sometimes really sad. I got sled if i was okay and how i was doing by one of my friends days ago.. told them I’m not doing well and that it’s a bit hard all they did was oh everyone is like that. Am i supposed to go oh I’m normal? Why are they asking me if I’m okay and just shrug me off when i reply with I’m struggling? Do they ask just because they feel obligated to?

i don’t even know anymore. I really want this to be done and over with

[Sophie_M]

Hey H-c, thanks for keeping us updated here. 
We're sorry to hear things haven't improved for you. We know it must feel so upsetting to have your friends not really understand what you're going through or care to listen. It sounds like your experiencing a lot of different emotions from sadness to irritability, this must be so draining. 

We'd like to let you know that our Support Service is trying to reach out to you via email as we are worried about you Have you had a chance to contact Kids Helpline - https://kidshelpline.com.au/ ? It sounds like you're in a really tough situation and it can help to talk it out whenever you're feeling overwhelmed. Kids Helpline counsellors can be contacted 24/7 via telephone and also via webchat if you go through the website provided. If the coronavirus restrictions are making things harder for you at the moment, then we'd also recommend taking a look at our dedicated Coronavirus Mental Wellbeing Support Service where you will find a lot of targeted information as well as another 24/7 helpline staffed by specially trained mental health professionals. Please keep checking in with us H-c, it's great to have you here with us.   

[sisu100]

Hi H-c,

From your update, it sounds like your mood is changing quite frequently, quickly and randomly. It's understandable that you would feel confused and scared when you don't know why you're feeling this way. Sometimes tracking these changes can be helpful to monitor our mood and things that may be causing them. I noticed that you tried writing down your feelings in a previous post but it wasn't helpful at the time. Would this be something you’d be interested in giving another go? Something that I find helpful is using an app. One example is an app called Pixels- I find it really simple and easy to use, and you can easily see patterns of mood over time using the calendar. What do you think?

It’s frustrating when people don’t recognise your calls for help. It seems like your friends are just giving you impractical solutions or ignoring your distress, when really all you really need is a listening ear. I can relate with what you’re saying- sometimes it is really hard to figure out the intent from others- are they asking to be polite or do they genuinely care? It could be that your friends do care but are not quite sure how to help, and perhaps they need a bit more of a push. I’m not sure if you’ve already done so, but perhaps you could try communicating what it is that you need. For example, “Actually it’s been a really tough week. Would you be up for talking about it with me?” or “I don’t need solutions. I just need someone to listen. Can you do that for me?”. They may not always respond positively, and in that case you could maybe let them know how it made you feel and how their reaction could have been more helpful for you. Would this be something you’d feel comfortable in doing?

You mentioned that this might be your final update. We would still really love to hear how you are getting on if you do feel like continuing on updating us. You do deserve to be heard and we are here for you so please feel welcome to post whenever you feel like it.

[therising]

Hi H-c

Definitely frustrating when people say stuff like 'Oh, everyone's going through hard times'. Personally, I believe some people are more sensitive to hard times than others for good reason. I know folk who care about us don't mean to be insensitive but the truth of the matter is...they can be, without even realising it.

You can have people who are very sensitive to the thoughts in their head to the point where such thoughts are powerful enough to trigger a sensitive nervous system (anxiety). You can have people who are so sensitive to noise to the degree where they can't tolerate certain noises without becoming highly agitated. Of course, you can have people who are sensitive to the chemistry that goes into their body, from within food, which leads them to vomit or end up on the toilet for hours. I know folk who are so deeply empathetic to the point where they have to consciously decide who to be around based on how they, themselves, are feeling at the time otherwise they can be overwhelmed by other people's emotions. People are highly sensitive in different ways.

I'm wondering what you were sensitive to that led to the sudden burst of energy, which put you on a high. Did you experience restorative sleep for a change? Did you drink more water than usual? Personally, I find drinking water on a regular basis gives me more energy. Did you experience something mind altering (aka inspirational) that had more of an impact than what you realised? Did you eat something that a slow metabolism has been craving? Did waking up with a different mindset put you on a natural high for the rest of the day? I could go on wondering but basically I imagine something excited your body (biology) and your mind (psychology). Figuring out why our mental and physical energy in motion (emotion) is doing what it's doing can take a bit of detective work. Figuring out what raises our energy at any given time can help us consciously repeat this rise. Me, I get an absolute charge out of inspiration. I can be wondering about the solution to something when BAMM, the solution just comes to me from out of the blue. I can be left thinking 'Where the heck did that come from? That's brilliant!' Such moments are literally mind altering and have the ability to power me forward, creating a unique sense of drive.

There's possibly something you're very sensitive to that gave you that boost. Could be the slightest thing that you wouldn't imagine would make a difference. Perhaps it simply did.

[H-c]

At this point I don’t even know what triggered it. I started using pixels (app that sisu100 recommended thank you) its really nice but all so far its all blue (not doing okay) and the thing is people keep on asking why i apologise often and in response i apologised and said that i can’t help but feel bad. This year esp has been an exhausting year mentally and physically for me, including this week and for some reason i did not want to be alone i went to talk to people and at the same time while talking i feel so alone and can’t help but wonder what if I’m not here anymore? Will it be the same? I feel like I’m talking to a wall. It’s like one day I’m so talkative to the point where someone said “hey you’ve been talking a lot today”. I can’t control it though. Sometimes it’s as if I’m screaming and no one’s hearing it like I’m in The middle of a crowd of people and screaming for help, anything really, but my voice is not loud enough i feel like I’m the 52 hertz whale no one can hear me. I just want this to be done I’m not even sure that I’ll get better at this point. I want to express my emotions but I’ll be called sensitive, I honestly want to cry or show my anger and smile genuinely or laugh till my stomach hurts, i can’t feel these emotions anymore whenever i feel like crying my tears won’t come out its like I’ve gone numb and this scares me so much. The only time I’ve cried is when i’m alone and when i cry myself to sleep. I’m so sick of trying to pretend to be happy and I’m tired of forcing myself to laugh and have fun. I guess I’m not that worth it to everyone..... I’m trying so hard to be what everyone’s expecting of me and its so tiring I’m exhausted and just want to take a break without feeling guilty. It’s getting so bad to the point where I’m laughing at myself, huh, even i hate myself..

[Sophie_M]

Hey H-c

We're really glad to see you updating the community on how you're feeling. It sounds like things are especially tough for you at the moment, and these feelings of loneliness and wanting to be done must be really overwhelming to cope with. It's really great to hear that you've tried the app that sisu100 recommended, you've been really proactive in using some extra support to help you through this. Please know that you are never alone in this, and there are also more supports that you can reach out to 24/7 to talk through these feelings with.

Can we ask if you've tried reaching out to the friendly counsellors at Kids Helpline before? They're available 24/7 both over the phone (1800 55 1800) and through Webchat at https://kidshelpline.com.au/get-help/webchat-counselling/

Please also know that the counsellors at Lifeline and Suicide Call Back Service are available 24/7 during your most difficult moments:

• Lifeline – 13 11 14 (online chat available 7pm-midnight https://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/Online-Services/crisis-chat)
• Suicide Call Back Service – 1300 659 467 (online chat available 24/7 at https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/phone-and-online-counselling/)

Please feel free to keep checking in with our community here on your thread and let us know how you're going, whenever you feel ready.

[therising]

Hi H-c

Sometimes I find it's worth asking 'What leads me to the point where I just can't feel anything?' Typically, it's emotional exhaustion. It's like even though your body's keeping your heart and lungs functioning and the rest of you going, that's about the extent of the energy in motion (emotion). It's basically in motion and nothing more. Stick you finger on your pulse and you'll feel it. When our energy is really full on, it's easy to feel. We can feel our body in a state of excitement, joy, peace, anger and the list goes on. When the energy is hyperactive, we can feel it on a whole other level.

While I can pinpoint what my last mind numbing or emotionally exhausted experience was (not long ago), I'm wondering if you are also able to. For me it involved reaching the conclusion of a relationship I'd put my all into. Been married for over 18 years and one day just reached the point where I felt nothing. We're still together but I've reformed the relationship to be something I can work with and I'm happy with that.

Wondering if you find some of the people around you emotionally exhausting. May not be that obvious. An example of this might involve a bit of people pleasing. You may have a group of people you often aim to please. You may reach the point of 'auto pilot' where you can be left thinking 'What's the point in expecting anything great from them, I'll just go through the mind numbing motions of pleasing them and that's it'. If you're having a tough or depressing time, some of these people might even say 'Oh, don't worry, you'll be right'. You feel like you want to scream 'IS THAT IT? IS THIS THE EXTENT OF YOUR SUPPORT AND UNDERSTANDING?!' I'm easily triggered by people who choose not to be more supportive. One of the benefits of being sensitive involves the ability to read when someone's feeling down. You become sensitive to the subtleties. Inviting someone to vent, in this case, is significant.

I've found one of the challenges in life involves setting myself up with my 'go to' people. Each member of my current circle has something unique about them. Some have traits in common. I have my sages who convey wisdom, my exciting person/people who'll kick my butt into action, my person who'll give me a psychological slap out of destructive thoughts and even those who love to wonder extensively like I do.

Identifying 'mind numbing' people is important when we're looking to feel difference. Is it possible you've outgrown your current circle?

🙂

[sisu100]

Hi H-c,

Just thought I'd check in and see how you're doing. It sounds like you had a really tough time last week. How have you been going this week?

That's so great that you've tried the app! Are you still having a lot of blue days?

I really hope you're keeping safe and well. We'd love to see how you're getting along so feel free to update us whenever you're up to it.