Don’t know if this is good or bad

H-c · ‎30-06-2020

Hi, so a while ago I was feeling really how do I describe this? down in the dumps. Last several months including last year . So um I still have these thoughts and all and I’m still irritated 24/7 to the point where ppl asks why I’m always mad. How do I tell them I’m not and I don’t know why I’m feeling this way either? I still have mini panic attacks and feel like disappearing every time... Everyone still assumes that I’m okay and I’ve got everything figured out but why couldn’t they see (I mean of course they can’t see) that I can’t sleep, and stay up till 1-3 trying to sleep because of all these thoughts and trying to figure out how I wouldn’t disappoint them or let them down why am I expected to know everything. Like I’m not some superhuman or anything.

So yeah... that’s basically it I don’t know if it’s good or bad. If it is on a scale of one to ten on it being bad ten being the worst how bad is it.

H-c · ‎07-11-2020

Hi.. I?m back again.. i thought i got better but guess not. Pls forgive me for any grammar and punctuation error i just cant do this anymore

All these thoughts are coming back and last night in my dreams i was drowning and because of that i woke up and the first thing that came into my head was why did i wake up? It?s getting bad to the point where i sat down and placed a piece of paper on my desk ready to write a goodbye letter i guess but I couldn?t do it. I wanna end this pain already but something is stopping me and i don't wanna continue like this anymore. I wanna end it all but i don't want anyone to feel sad or feel like it?s their fault but then again who would? Ever since year 12 started it got worse and i cant go on like this anymore.. I?ve self harmed myself and it gave me some sort of relief at first but now not that much. I have assessments and exams coming up soon and i feel so stressed out. Maybe I?m a coward for wanting to escape this.. i don?t have any plans or anything tbh.. i tried talking, i talked to lifeline and stuff but it didn?t help.. i also talked to my friends and they didn?t really care.. one time i was visibly upset but because I wasn?t ?listening and responding ? to them they called me an insulting name but that did not hurt what really hurts me was that they told me that I?ll probably drop out of uni first and everything. The pressure of getting into uni is also making it really bad.. maths ext 2 and physics is taking a lot of time and i don't even have time to focus on my other subjects. I?m falling behind in chemistry. Maybe I?m just dumb and a burden to everyone. Why am i not good enough. It?s like something is stuck in my throat and I feel suffocated. I honestly don?t know what to do anymore.. why can?t i be better.. I?m not fine and i wanna end this already

Sophie_M · ‎07-11-2020

Hi H-c,

We're sorry to hear that you are starting to feel worse again and that you've been having thoughts about dying. We can hear that you're feeling distressed at the moment and we're concerned about your wellbeing, so we are trying to get in touch with you privately to check in and offer some support.

Can we ask if you notice any differences in your life between when you were starting to feel better, and now? Maybe you can have a think about what kinds of things you were doing that improved your wellbeing, or which particular situations are triggering these thoughts and emotions to go to this dark place.

It's important to take actions to keep yourself safe. We would recommend that you make a safety plan for yourself. If you feel you have the capacity to, you can make one here - “Create your Beyond Now safety plan” - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning/create-beyondnow-safety-...
If you need help to make one, you can make one with school counsellor or a counsellor on a helpline. If you are in immediate danger to youself, always contact 000 (triple zero).

If you would like to post further, please tell us more about what's on your mind and how we can best help you get through this difficult period.

sisu100 · ‎14-11-2020

Hi H-c,

Thanks for checking in again, it's great to hear back from you. Don't worry about your grammar or punctuation, it's not an issue at all.

It was very brave of you to reach out to both Lifeline and your friends. It sounds like things have been really overwhelming for you and it's so tough when you don't receive support from those around you. Sometimes our problems can get really unbearable and seem impossible to overcome. Recognising this and reaching out to us was such an big and important step. You mentioned self-harm and wanting to end it all. These thoughts can be really confusing, frightening and isolating. It's so important to reach out when you feel like this, and I'm so glad that you've posted here and shared with us. I know talking about this can be difficult but please know that we're right here to listen and help you.

Year 12 is such a stressful and difficult year, and I'm sure the pandemic has made it even tougher. I remember the stress for exams, there was definitely so much pressure to do well to get into university. You've done so well to get this far and you should be really proud of yourself. I know at this point, the exams and your grades feel like the only things that matter. Please know that you are not defined by your marks. Having gone through this myself, I want you to know that there are so many options out there to get to where you want to go, that aren't reliant on your grades or a university degree. Do you have an idea of what you'd like to do or study in the future?

Wishing you all the best for your upcoming exams and assessments. Please feel free to update us on how you're getting along if you feel up to it.

therising · ‎15-11-2020

Hi H-c

I'm sorry I didn't see your last post earlier. I'm hoping you've found some ways to manage since you last posted.

I believe there's a point where we just can't manage certain challenges and depression on our own. When trying to manage on our own, it can become even more depressing and it can feel overwhelmingly soul destroying, often leading to that point where we just can't do life anymore. I clearly remember that moment for me and would describe the emotional/mental pain as pure torture. Since then, I came to realise that not only does it feel impossible to manage on our own, we may also find it impossible to come out of depression on our own.

I get where you're coming from when you mention that nothing or no one is helping. I tried so many different ways of managing throughout my years in depression: Counselor, psychiatrist, variety of meds, turning to family and friends etc. Nothing made a difference, until the last thing I tried. It involved group therapy by the way. I'm not suggesting group therapy, just letting you know that I understand how frustrating and depressing it feels to be putting the effort into trying to make a difference when not much at all is making a difference. Finding the difference could take some time, unique guidance and outside the square thinking.

I believe this year's HSC will go down in history as the most depressing and mentally torturous of all HSC years. My daughter's dong VCE at the moment. A lot of the people she knows pulled out of exams (doing unscored) because they are just done with the stress. I've watched my daughter go through a lot of ups and downs this year through the impact of VCE and COVID and have tried my best to help her manage to stay out of depression. From numbness to tears to wanting to scream to self doubt to overwhelming stress and so on, she's cycled through these intense emotions several times to the point where we discussed whether she'd like me to set up some professional mental health support for her. If there was a greater need for maintaining mental health above all else, I would have encouraged her to consider the avenue of VCE unscored. VCE should never be held in higher regard than a person's life and well being. There are many ways to get into uni, even if that means taking a couple of years off and entering later without an ATAR. This could allow the time needed to reform mental health.

H-c, you deserve to be listened to, to be heard and to be supported, no matter what it takes.

H-c · ‎21-11-2020

I don’t know what i want to do in uni anymore it keeps o changing but i guess something relating to computer and ai security or cyber security because knowing about all these virus and how to prevent them or knowing about all these things makes me feel safe and good i guess. I can’t not get an atar, all of my family including my distant relatives (i don’t even know why even though they dont care) they’re telling me to get AT LEAST a 90 ATAR. A MASSIVE NINETY

H-c · ‎21-11-2020

I accidentally pressed enter on the last post so here’s a continuation...

a 90 atar is really really hard. But the thing is their sons and daughters got 90 and above and they act like its so simple. It’s really not.. I’m trying my best and nothing is helping. I’m taking tutoring for maths ext 1 and its not hard but with everything that’s been going on its too much and what’s worse is that they pressuring me to go to 4U maths tutoring. I don’t even know myself anymore.I sometimes get panic attacks in class or like sometimes i just feel like breaking down and my brain just shuts down in class while the teacher is talking. The annoying thing is i look fine on the outside like nothing is wrong (at least that’s what i think ) either that or the teachers just dont wanna deal with me. I feel so done and I’m scared that i wont be able to last till next year. I just wanna get this over and done with already.

smallwolf · ‎21-11-2020

Hi.

I saw that you mentioned you wanted to get into IT security. And then I saw what you posted about an ATAR score. Perhaps you might get another perspective if you knew a little of my story.

I struggled at highschool and did not get into Uni straight away. I did not go down the physics and chem. road as my parents knew I would have struggled. Besides at that time I wanted to do economics. Instead I went to TAFE and did Bus./Computing, which is what it was called at the time and finished with an Assoc. Dip. At the time I found that I was good at and enjoyed computing more and when I finished that course it was more than enough to get into Uni. And a few years later I finished with a Masters in Computer Science.

I also know someone who did very well at high school but felt they did not fit into Uni. Rather than studying is doing a Certificate and working in a space they like.

My brother did the harder subjects like you but he also studied til the early hours in order to get it all done.

Someone from my year in highschool repeated year 12 so that he could get do the course he wanted at Uni. (He got to go to 2 formals!)

We each have our own journey .... All you can do is try your hardest. My daughter was in year 12 this year and with Uni applications, add in course that will get into your area, even if not directly related. There are always alternative ways to reach our goals. And if you are able to, talk with someone at school (counsellor) about how you get to your goals.

I would and sometimes think I have failed. But on the other hand, I have other skills and talents that others don't have as well.

As an aside... in IT you can always start (work) in support and study and work your way into the ideal position you want.

Hope some of this helps.

Tim

H-c · ‎21-11-2020

It’s not the fact that I’m worried i won’t get in the course i want (it’s a bit of that) but the fact that i need to get a 90 atar no matter what degree i want to do. And the fact that i need to go straight into uni right after I graduate and I’m already a disappointment i can’t afford to make this mistake.

It’s just with everything I’ve been dealing with lately this atar and uni stuff is just a hassle and getting too much for me to handle. Trying to focus on school work while having that voice telling me constantly and reminding me that I’m worthless and asking why I’m still alive is let’s just say not ideal. And the constant what if and worrying over nothing is just screwing me over plus, because of COVID and everything the worries get worse and worse and the fact that i can’t do anything about it/not being able to control it(?) sucks

Sophie_M · ‎22-11-2020

Hey H-c

We're sorry to hear that you have been having concerns about your school work and your future uni courses. It sounds like school has been especially tough for you this year, with all the course changes and restrictions. The feelings of worthlessness that you mention and the constant worrying must be really overwhelming to cope with. It's really great that you've been reaching out for support to help you through this. Please know that you are never alone in this, and there are also more supports that you can reach out to 24/7 to talk through these feelings with.

Please also know that the counsellors at Kids Helpline, Lifeline and Suicide Call Back Service are available 24/7 during your most difficult moments:

Kids Helpline - 1800 55 1800 (Webchat at https://kidshelpline.com.au/get-help/webchat-counselling/)
Lifeline – 13 11 14 (online chat available 7pm-midnight https://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/Online-Services/crisis-chat)
Suicide Call Back Service – 1300 659 467 (online chat available 24/7 at https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/phone-and-online-counselling/)

therising · ‎22-11-2020

Hi H-c

You are facing so much pressure and stress and this is just not fair. The people around you are not being fair or reasonable, in my opinion. Do you think it's reasonable for people to believe your ATAR is more important than your mental and physical well being? Please excuse me for saying so but I think they're behaving like insane people. You are the only sane person out of the lot who is seriously questioning all this. A 90 ATAR is an insane expectation for someone who's not a natural academic. When I say 'natural academic' what I'm referring is someone who loves and thrives on study and results. It gives them an absolute charge, a natural high. We're all a natural at something. Both my kids agree they're not natural academics, which has proven to be a challenge for my daughter completing VCE this year. She's come up with a plan for getting into uni (to study teaching) if she doesn't achieve the ATAR she needs. It's a good plan. My daughter, she's a natural at bringing out the best in people. If VCE was all about our ability to bring out the best in people, she's get at the very least 90.

So, now you know you're dealing with insane people whose expectations don't take your well being into consideration, how would you like to manage these people? You could call them straight out insane to their faces. I imagine this might be a challenge, regarding 'respect' and all that but if they were all about the respect thing, they'd be far more considerate of you, as opposed to behaving like they are. In reality, you are fully entitled to be demanding respect from them, given the incredible effort you're putting in.

All these people who got a 90...keep in mind they never dealt with the incredible potentially soul destroying challenges that COVID has brought about for students and young people in general. Secondary schools and universities have adjusted the scores to reflect this first time in history struggle/incredible challenge.

Personally, I believe you're an absolute champion and you deserve greater respect and support and none of this intense pressure nonsense. You are worth more than this, so much more. Believing we are worth more is, in part, what leads us to the understanding we are not worthless.

Can't help but wonder what you are an absolute natural at. Could one aspect involve spotting the insane behaviour of the people around you? 🙂