Hi LittleMissAlice
Trying to raise our self is incredibly tough at times, especially when we find our self surrounded by people who either leave us vibing at the same unhappy level or, even worse, bring us down. The fact that you've come here and that you've managed to speak to a counselor makes it obvious how hard you are trying to manage raising yourself. Figuring out ways to manage such a monumental undertaking can feel mind blowing and deeply challenging at times, that's for sure.
I'd spent quite a number of years in depression, questioning who I was and 'What's wrong with me?!' before eventually coming out of it and having a good look around through a new perception. I couldn't believe the amount of people around me who weren't raising me in the way I really needed them to. If anything, they were trying so hard to have me fit back into a mould they were comfortable with. Such a mould can be so conditional. If people have you fitting into a mould that dictates 'Don't rock the boat. Don't question all the things that really need to be questioned (such as your dad's seriously degrading and questionable behaviour). Don't speak of what means the most to you, if it means nothing to us (we'll degrade it). Don't be too sensitive, toughen up'. My goodness, the list can go on and on when it comes to that destructive and suffocating mould. In it, we can't come to be our self, finding our self saying 'I just don't know who I am anymore'.
To find your self, your true self, means to break the mould. I've found that such an endeavor does not make one terribly popular. In fact, we can be deemed as 'Stupid, ridiculous, difficult, selfish, thoughtless, over sensitive, weird' and so on. Breaking the mould is tough and it can feel lonely at first but in time you come to find the best in yourself, your unconditioned self. You come to vibe with those who've broken theirs.
Btw, people who cheat in relationships lack constructive open communication, responsibility, personal integrity and honesty during the time where they disappoint them self from these traits. You'll know you've found a keeper when they remain committed to appointing these traits to the relationship. Don't blame yourself for another's lack of commitment.
Instead of believing in the identity your dad and others give to you, my wish is for you to begin wondering about who you are beyond this identity, this identity that is so far from the truth. Coming to wonder so much automatically makes you wonderful 🙂
