Definitely unsure about this forum

[Jacqui51]

I have tried to be positive about using this forum but really unsure. For me some of the replies seem formulaic and gubgho positive, not from someone who really does understand.

I am older, tired, depressed and yes at times I self harm and am suicidal. I do see a psychiatrist but even after 18 months not really getting anywhere. I have chosen to gradually take myself off all antidepressants over the 7 weeks they are away. Truthfully no difference that I have noted. Before I was suicidal, depressed and harmed. Now suicidal, depressed and self harm.

Not sure trying this type of forum is any use at all.

[Jacqui51]

Thank you for trying to provide ideas and opinions. I do practice mindfulness and living in the moment as much as I can. I also remind myself daily of the good things and positives.

There is a lot of growth from living through pain and depression and I am glad for you it has led to positive things.

Unfortunately I am too tired and I do not have much strength left.

Yes, I am a survivor because I have refused to give in and for at least 40 of these years I have told myself to keep going, that I was working towards a better future and self. In some way this held truth but no longer.

Unfortunately if I try to mediate memories smash through the barriers and I start to relive aspects of the trauma so this is not a good option for me.

Forgiveness is challenging. For many years I excused the choices made by the others in my life as 'they are doing the best they can' but I can't do this now. The most damaging people are now dead and it is safe to admit I hate the way they treated me. Whether I can one day forgive????

Forgiveness of self requires a level if self respect or care. 99.9% of the time I hate my body, my person, who I am in so many ways. The positive is only when I care for others, my work, the team I lead and things outside Jacqui.

I am sorry this is so negative but tonight is not good. I have hurt my back over the last 24 hours and the pain of this on top of Fibromyalgia and emotions is exhausting. It will ease as I have done this previously but while it lasts I struggle

At this time I am challenged in another way as most of me wants to cancel my appointment with the psychiatrist and simply stop trying . We are supposed to meet on the 4th but I feel as if there is no point, no hope, no future. Despite them saying it is important we talk before I stop treatment I am hurting and unsure if I can deal with the emotional impact.

As this shares, it is not an easy time physically at present let alone emotionally. I am holding off from self harm as I have visitors over the next few days and it would be very difficult to conceal. After Sunday I can use my coping mechanism again. Please understand it is not a suicidal action, it is a coping mechanism. My psychiatrist does accept this even if they do not accept it is a good way of coping. A few more days at my age seem irrelevant to me.

Sorry I am so negative.

[white knight]

Hi Jacqui,

It's OK to be down and negative and when in physical pain it's even more understood.

I hope you don't mind my regular recommendation of beyondblue threads. I've written around 320 or so, most in the archives now. It saves retyping them. If I mention any please read just the first post.

The following one was first thought about in 1996, one week prior to leaving my 11 year marriage I'd made an attempt, once I'd left (which was a radical action) I knew I'd made the right decision in order to merely survive.

So, many years later I joined beyondblue and wrote the post.

The wonder of presenting posts to read is one never knows if a post could make a significant impact for the better.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/when-all-is-lost-what-can-you-do-be-radical-/page/2

TonyWK

[white knight]

I'm sorry Jacqui, that is page 2 of the thread. Here is the first post.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/when-all-is-lost-what-can-you-do-be-radical-

TonyWK

[Petal22]

You really are a survivor Jacqui51….. keep living up to that….. let it be your guiding light……. Never, never give up! Giving up is never an option…… you still have a spark inside you ….. believe me it’s there! Allow it to ignite once again……. You can come back from what you are currently going through….. where there is life there is HOPE! Never loose hope because if you have hope anything is possible………. A miracle is possible…

You just need to believe and keep putting one foot in front of the other… no matter how slow you move as long as your moving forward anything is possible.

Please keep your appointment Jacqui51 it’s important and your important…. Please see it through…..

Please don’t give up on yourself… there is hope and a new beginning for you….

I understand that you feel tired and sometimes facing our emotions can be hard but through facing them comes healing……….. healing really is possible for you no matter your age……

Im sorry you hurt your back but you will bounce back……… warriors always do…… it’s the way of the warriors spirit…… it’s within you ❤️🙏💪

Always here to chat to you

[Jacqui51]

Thank you to everyone who has responded to my sharing. To those who found me overly critical I apologise. I believe it best if I stop being part of the forum as I do not wish to cause harm or distress to others.

[geoff]

Hello Jacqui, everyone has a different opinion, we are entitled to have our say on issues that concern us or other people, just as you are.

Please don't leave because you are uncertain, we'd like to hear what you have to say.

Geoff.

[LividBeing]

You're totally right. I'm angry, I'm resentful, I don't want to forgive anyone and neither should we pretend to have to.
People hurt us, they treated us terribly, they left us, they aren't ever there to help.. I'm not forgiving anyone.

I deserved love, support, encouragement, and I never got it. What its left me with is a tonne of grief for my entire life, the life I should have had, the childhood I should have had and the future I deserve!
I've worked so hard to get where I am and I'm still being kicked and seemingly punished by the universe.
There is nothing positive and I'm sick of people trying to convince me to find something positive.
What I'm feeling is massive grief, abandonment, worthlessness and probably ten other things. Those are the things I need help with and fluffy positivity will never help that. I've tried it for decades.

I'm like you, in the way that I just want a rest. I need the world to give me a break. Some relief, something good, some support, some comfort. I've been waiting for decades. I'm still waiting. And I'll get up and I'll wait again tomorrow. And I'll keep waiting till I die of exhaustion.

Hope you're ok ❤️