Checking out

[whonow]

This is my first post on any kind of forum, so please excuse my naivety.
I want to check out constantly. I live every day with the visions of my demise, scenes playing out of the plans I have made, of the wishes of my mind, and I cannot shake them.
I spend so many hours in my home, alone. I have two teenage boys, and whilst I love them completely, as they do me, I am constantly at loggerheads with them. (Yes, I know this is normal). I do not have any family in Australia, and my circle of friends is very small, with contact being limited. My only regular conversations are with therapists every week and my GP.

My children have little to no contact with their father and have not done for the past almost 5 years, although this has been out of his control for the past two months, as he had a massive heart attack and has suffered a brain injury as a result. (He is currently in a rehab unit- learning how to do everything again).

I have lived with manic depression and anorexia all my adult life, and I just can't keep going. As I mentioned I see two therapists regularly and have peer support from a third, and when I tell them how I am feeling, I know they are worried, as am I, but what can they or anyone do?

Today, all I hear is "Just do it. Just go and end it all. The world doesn't need you, it would be better off without you. You are not needed here anymore", with a few expletives in there too. How can I silence this? Now it's the weekend, and I know if I reach out for help, my children will be taken away, and that cannot happen, but if I stay silent, I am going to go mad!

PLEASE!

[Sophie_M]

Hi whonow,

Thanks for joining our community - please know that this is a safe and non-judgemental space to share your thoughts, feelings, and experiences. It sounds like you're feeling quite alone, and we're so sorry to hear that you have been struggling with these thoughts. Please know that you are valuable, and we hope that being part of this community can help you to feel less alone and be of some comfort to you.

It sounds lonely to be spending so many hours at home alone. It might be helpful to join a support group to try and build a bigger social network in your area. It can also be really comforting to meet people who struggle with similar situations. ​​​You can find information on support groups available on the Black Dog Institute site here - https://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/resources-support/support-groups/

It's good to hear that you see therapists every week and your GP. Please know that if you are ever needing to talk to someone between sessions, even just as a distraction from these overwhelming thoughts, we would strongly urge that you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467). If at any time you feel unable to keep yourself from acting on your thoughts, this is an emergency and you should contact 000 (triple zero).

You might also find it helpful to take a look at some of our pages:

• "Feeling suicidal" - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/suicide-prevention/feeling-suicidal
• “BeyondNow suicide safety planning” -
  https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning

Thanks again for reaching out. Hopefully over the new few days some of our members will come by and welcome you to this friendly community. 

[james1]

Hello whonow,

Welcome to the BeyondBlue forums. It is nice to meet you here, but I am very sorry to hear that you are struggling with these thoughts of your own death, as well as the situation you are in with your manic depression, anxiety, loneliness and the difficulties with your children and their father. It sounds like an overwhelming amount of stress to have to deal with, and I hope you can feel at least a little bit less burdened by sharing this with us.

Without putting the rest of the challenges to the side, as they are certainly very real ones that will need to be dealt with, it sounds like one of the biggest hurdles is being on your own and having to manage everything. It sounds like you don't have much support that you feel like can help. In many ways, you are right - what can they do, practically, to get you out of this situation? I don't know, but in my own experience, having a good support network is what gets us through the most challenging times, even if not out of them. I don't know what gets us out of mental health struggles, but I think that every day you get through, where you didn't necessarily think you could, is a step closer.

As Sophie_M mentioned, there are some good fact sheets on the website and the phone lines are a really helpful contact point when you just need someone to help you through a tough time. Otherwise, we are also here for you if you'd like to talk about anything. Again, I'm really sad to hear that you have been dealing with this more or less on your own, and I hope you are able to get a bit more support from others who have similar challenges.

James

[randomspace]

Hi, I’m sorry that it is hard for you, with your maniac depression and the issues you are facing. It is such a hard situation to be, depressed and suicidal thoughts are not true. No matter what they say, you are always worth it, the world is better for you being here and you are worth the world.

I don’t know how to silence these thoughts as everyone’s different, but for myself and a few others, taking a small break, just walking around in peaceful areas can help, even just temporarily.

This may be because it is clearing and there is nothing to distract you, or just the general atmosphere of the surroundings, if this does not work, the lines that Sophie_M suggested are good and helpful.

With the situation of your children, I can’t comprehend how hard this must be for you. I suppose to keep you from death, perhaps you could anchor yourself to your children, they love you and want you in the world.

Stay for them

[tranzcrybe]

Hi whonow,

I hear you are struggling to process many emotions and feelings of worthlessness, where the notion of seeking help will compromise access to your boys - a lifeline to you; whereas maintaining silence will push you to the brink of your sanity.

Your ex-partner's recent episode is a lot to take on board with conflicted feelings for you and your boys and I would welcome your thoughts if you feel up to talking them through.

The forums are a safe and caring place to speak your mind without fear of judgment and I hope you will find comfort through expressing your inner turmoil to help make sense of things to move forward.

Kind thoughts to you during this trial.

t.