can't take it anymore

britishtvfan · ‎22-01-2023

i'm having such a hard time lately. i had some person in the uk who i thought was a good close friend of mine. there were so many red flags that i didn't see - they didn't show me what they looked like & when i politely asked them they kept making excuses like "so what if i am an old creepy man, it wouldn't make a difference?" & things like that. i get being insecure but she knew what i looked like. i knew her name & age but that's all. i started talking to her on a blogging website because we both liked rock & metal music, old british sitcoms/comedies etc. she was also a violent person as she told me she's beaten people up before in real life. & she shares what she calls "art" which is violent things of blood, people being hurt etc. i should've cut ties with her then. we had an argument because she told me she was going to be there on a certain day after christmas & then she sends me a message an hour before we talk (used to be 3am for me but then 4am because of daylight savings over there) & her message wasn't even apologetic, it was like she typed up some excuse & copied & pasted it to avoid me. i kept apologising to her & admitting my mistakes, trying to work things out for both of us. i liked talking to her because we had inside jokes, we talked about things in common, we roleplayed which i enjoyed (stuff like fanfiction, so we'd act as the characters in a show we both liked & do romance, funny stuff, drama, etc). it made me happy. she was threatening to me although she can't do anything. i'm so hurt & upset by this & i feel so stupid & regretful that i ever joined & talked to her. i can't afford therapy. idk if my meds are working. i just stay up late & sleep in late & my parents get annoyed with me, i understand why but i don't feel like doing anything like going out of the house anymore, i haven't for months, even when i was on good terms with her. she said good things about me like she doesn't want to lose me but she cut ties with me yesterday saying she wants nothing to do with me. accuses me of stuff i never said & did, calls me a narcissist, manipulative, & other hurtful things. i'm in a group online which is for mental health suffers worldwide of all ages trying to support each other in a friendly environment. but i post & they seem to get ignored, like my comments, even when i put trigger warnings. but everyone else's, even worse posts, get approved. i get they're busy. i get left on read & avoided by everyone. i wish i was never born.

britishtvfan · ‎31-01-2023

hi Croix.

by DF, i meant the actor. i meant that the girl in the UK thinks my friend over here who likes AYBS was being impersonated, she isn't. i just feel like disappearing. she doesn't seem to care about me, she probably never did, the girl in the UK. i'm so hurt & confused. i was willing to forgive her but i may aswell just be talking to a brick wall.

Croix · ‎02-02-2023

Dear Tayla~

DF=Derek Fowles -duh, I should certainly have thought of that 😞

Actually not all is lost as that reminds me to look out for his book 'A part worth playing ' which sadly is not in my state library. Have you had a chance to read it?

I know that it is easy to feel one is building up a friendship on-line, however that can often be misleading as it is nothing like face to face and people come in, seem good, then just drop out.

Did she give a reason why she thought your friend was being impersonated, or was it just and excuse not to reply?

Croix

britishtvfan · ‎02-02-2023

hi Croix. yes, Derek Fowlds. i have his book but haven't read it yet, i don't read much. i've listened to the preview of his audiobook of it though but not the whole thing.

she sent a screenshot of what my friend wrote, saying this is what my friend looks like which was a link to a photo of her on instagram holding one of her little relatives. i don't have relatives really let alone little ones. my friend said that was her not me or not someone else. no replies to my friend on instagram, no replies and haven't been blocked with me on that original site i talked to the girl in the UK on.

idk if she's off social media having a break or something like that, or if she's deliberately ignoring us. she messaged my friend on instagram but she doesn't reply to her. doesn't say if she's been online and if she's read it. i hope she's taking this time to look at herself because she was the toxic one, but everything is always thrown at me and i'm always to blame.

i'm trying to be an adult and work things out with her. i only still want to be her friend because of the good things we had. i wanted that to be just between her and i, the roleplaying and stuff like that, i don't want her to have that with anyone else. i don't mean to sound controlling and say she can't talk to others, what i mean is i found that special and i just wanted to have that between her & i. like how you have inside jokes with people.

i've admitted my mistakes & trying to learn from them. i just don't understand her. i'm so hurt & confused.

britishtvfan · ‎02-02-2023

idk what's going on with this girl in the UK - if she's taking time off social media, if she's deliberately ignoring my friend she messaged & myself, if something's happened to her. i hope she's ok & i still care about her. i'm not trying to stalk, harrass or anything like that, just trying to fix things because professionals & others have said to, for her benefit aswell as mine. at this point i'd rather her be mean to me although that's not nice but atleast she'd reply. why did she make an instagram account just to message my friend on jan 21 & when my friend replies she doesn't respond anymore? it doesn't say if she's read the messages or not. there was another social media she had but i can't remember her username & maybe she deleted it, she told me it when we were on good terms. there is some website that she posts on for her artwork but looking at her profile (i don't have an account) she doesn't seem to have been active on that either. i'm worried about her. she's probably going to be mean again & i'm scared for that. she's the one that blew everything out of proportion & made the argument escalate which it should never have done. it's the first big argument we've had & i hope it's the last. we've had small arguments & gotten over them so idk what the difference is. it seems like no one wants to be my friend, i just get avoided by everyone & treated like crap in real life & online. i'm tired of it. we were both toxic & made mistakes. it's not fair how she can be mean to me but i can't be mean to her, like she attacks me but she can do it to me. i think it's because she's been caught out about threatening me with legal action which she can't do, because ever since she said that she hasn't contacted my friend or myself. sometimes messaging people a lot can make them reply even if they're mad, but idk what to do. i don't want her to feel like she's won. i only want to be her friend & start fresh, i don't see why it's so hard to communicate. i tried offering her to talk on a certain day so she could still have space but no nothing so far. i just miss her & i want the good things back. other people aren't interested & it's not the same.

Croix · ‎02-02-2023

Dear Tayla~

I'm getting to be a bit worried for you. Reading all you have written about this person, the fact she puts all the blame on you, threatens legal action, and is not straightforward in messaging I'm starting to think she is one of those people that take advantage of other's good nature and think only of themselves.

It may well be the fun part, wiht role-playing and the appearance of friendship has already finished, no matter how much you valued it. If she was genuine she will make an effort and reappear, in the meantime it is taking up a fair amout of your life. I'd suggest putting things on the back-burner and exploring other things. Constantly hoping while blaming yourself is not good.

I saw the audiobook but it was too expensive to buy outright and not in the library either -a bit of a pity, I enjoy entertainment personalities' biographies and autobiographies as well as 'the making of ..' books on films and TV series.

I'd like to find one for John Inman but I'm not sure there is one - do you happen to know?

Croix

britishtvfan · ‎02-02-2023

hi Croix. idk maybe she's taking time off social media, she hasn't replied to my friend she messaged either. or maybe something happened to her. i have no idea. she was a good person who seemed to care about me when we were on good terms but idk if that was real or if she made that up, lied about it. i'm just really confused. i want to fix things with her. professionals have said so. no i don't think there's any John Inman books.

britishtvfan · ‎06-02-2023

god i'm everything bad. i wasn't trying to harass & stalk her & come across that way. i only wanted to try to fix things not make things worse. i got another hurtful message from her yesterday. she said this. i didn't threaten to k!ll myself, i was having suicidal thoughts & i didn't say i'd attempt or actually do it, i just said i would be better off not around. "Idk what you hope to achieve with your threats and your constant harassment. This obsessive behaviour of yours would make anyone want to back off. I told you numerous times that I do not wish to interact with you again. Harassing & stalking me certainly won’t make me want to change my mind. Involving other people & threatening to k!ll yourself won’t make me either. Sending me hundreds of messages is harassment & checking my online activity on multiple platforms is stalking, no matter what you think you’re doing. I doubt your psychiatrist got the full picture of what’s happening here because anyone would tell you that any healthy interaction needs reciprocity & respect. & as you probably are well aware, there is none of that here since you are not respecting my wishes or needs. You don’t care about me. If you truly did you wouldn’t be spamming me. Like I’ve said many times, I don’t want to fix things. I don’t want to be your friend. I don’t want to “go back”. No matter how much you want it, this isn’t going to happen so you better accept that this is over. Move on. Stop wasting your time & look forward. Focus on better things." i see her point but she doesn't need to be mean. i tried again because we've had silly petty small arguments in the past & she's told me not to dwell on it & move on & we've forgiven each other. it was the good things i was holding onto like the roleplaying. i had my psychiatrist today & i told him what i did wrong & what she did wrong too. i should've listened. i made my own bed now i'll have to lie in it. but i'm scared. i don't think she can do anything but she knows my email address & what i look like, my age, that i'm from australia but i hope she doesn't do anything with it. even if i try to move on it still hurts because of the trauma. things remind me of her like YPM etc. i talked to this person for over a year. they were nice at first. it's like they have a split personality. they also sent me screenshots of the legal stuff & the punishment but i don't think she can do anything about that. i've deleted the social medias i talked to her on.

Croix · ‎09-02-2023

Dear Tayla~

As you said in your other post, you hurt a lot and that's not in the least surprising..

I'm going to be blunt, because I think you deserve that and I'd not want to give you false hope about this, hope can come from other directions.

I'd not think anyone would be able to take legal action from the UK so I'd not worry about that. Nevertheless its pretty obvious that the relationship is over. That can be hard to accept when it has been a large part of your life, however it does happen. The important thing - for your sake - is to take no more action about it, or try again to make contact again.

Can I suggest that your psych is probably the best person to assist you to change your life so you are not feeling the grief and loss so much ,and also are able to help you see that trying to get back what you had is not only not going to work, but simply prolongs your unhappiness.

A good move might be to show your psych the above post you wrote on Monday. It could be a good starting point and worth the effort, even if you feel reluctant or embarrassed. Life can get lots better.

I can well understand thoughts of YPM will bring all this back at the moment, so perhaps you may like to concentrate on another program for now, Heartbeat or somethng else. I probably mentioned Nostalgiacentral which has a very long list of TV programs to jog your memory about something you might have liked and then forgotten.

Don't forget Beyond Blue's own 24/7 help line and web-chat, always available when one gets really down

As you mentioned suicidal thoughts (which I have had too) I'd suggest the Suicide Call Back Service, who can be pretty good and understanding

We are here for you Tayla and realy do feel for you

Croix

britishtvfan · ‎10-02-2023

hi Croix. i told my psychiatrist everything as much as i could in a 20 minute session. my parents know it all too. also with what she said:

1. she was threatening me, my mum told me to threaten her back to play her games, hers seemed like an empty threat and so was mine i guess.

2. i wasn't trying to stalk and harass her, i was trying to fix things because i've been raised to talk things over regardless.

3. i only have obsessive behaviour because i have trust, fear of rejection and abandonment issues, so i want people to stay. i know it's not the right way to be about it. and it's because of what we shared so this is different.

4. i wasn't trying to stalk her and i was only checking her social media activity because i was worried about her. 5. someone i talk to over here messaged her trying to get her to forgive me because she was worried about me. it was one person.

6. i never threatened to kill myself, i said i'm suicidal and that i'd be better dead, that she doesn't seem to care and that's probably what she wants, and how much this is affecting me her being like this.

7. i told my psychiatrist every detail in a 20 minute session.

8. i do care about her, i was trying to fix things for her benefit too because she said she enjoyed roleplaying and talking with me and it made me happy but i guess that was all a lie. i wasn't trying to spam her, it was just eating me up and i felt i needed to keep apologising and trying to get her back, not make things worse.

9. i can't move on, it's so hard and painful. i can't accept any of it, and i'm not trying to waste her time or mine. i can't look forward and focus on better things.

heartbeat still reminds me of her, although she told me she hadn't watched it, but because of Derek. but Y(P)M especially & Paul, Nigel & Derek. i'm trying my best not to think about it & distract myself but it feels impossible. i hurt mentally & physically. she also said things like "why would i be here talking to you if i didn't want to be? i'm here because i want to be, i could be doing anything else." & "why would i lie to you? i have nothing to achieve & gain from that". i say that & she gets mad. sigh.

Sophie_M · ‎10-02-2023

Hey tealflowers,

Thanks for sharing an update. We think it's really good that you were able to share what's been going on with your pyschiatrist. It sounds like it's been a really challenging time, but seeking support from those around you is a really great thing to be able to do.

If you ever want to talk it through with our team, we're always here for you on 1300 22 4636 or online. It's a great way to get real time support which we can't always get here on the Forums.

Thanks again for your openness here, tealflowers.

Kind regards,

Sophie M