Broken

[CamH]

Unsure what to do, where to go. I know I need help but can’t afford specialists. I read ‘do this’ and ‘think that’….. if it was that easy I’d do it and think it…  wrong side of 50 these days and the future is terrifying. I wish everyday I would go to sleep and not wake, crazy how it all works. Got someone who cares about me, she’s amazing and the only reason I’m still here, I just can’t get over that wall……  tried anti-depressant but no real change there, and as time has gone on my temper gets worse, the anger sometimes scares even me. Apologies for the rant, just don’t know what else to do, got to vent somewhere….

[indigo22]

Hi CamHall213,

Thank you for reaching out and having the courage to tell your story, what you are going through is not easy and many of us have been there so feel free to vent when ever you feel the need, no apologies necessary.

I have a couple of questions if that's okay.

Have you spoken with a help line at all, either at Beyond Blue or elsewhere?

I know from experience that this is only a temporary fix but does offer some relief when things are feeling overwhelming.

Have you tried more than one antidepressant?

I also know from experience that there is not a one-size-fits-all factor with antidepressants, I had to try a few to find the right one for me.

It could also be a case of needing a combination of meds to help your particular case.

I am glad to hear you have someone who cares about you, that helps a lot.

Not yet having answers to the above questions, my advice would be to talk with the helpline about how you are feeling at the moment and see what they advise.

I would also advise you to talk to your GP as soon as you are able and explain your financial situation and ask what your options are for getting some help.

Speaking for myself, I saw a social worker for many years who helped me immensely when I needed counselling, so it does not need to be a specialist. You may, or may not, need to be assessed by a specialist for meds but you should cross that bridge when you come to it. Try not to think too far ahead, just take the initial steps one at a time so you can get the help you need to get on top of these feelings. You are not alone, we will be here to support you when you need us.

Take care,

indigo22

[therising]

Hi CamHall213

I think one of the toughest things about depression is not being able to find people who can relate. I'm glad you've come here. Btw, it's interesting how the age factor can come into it, regarding mental health. Being a 53yo gal, I used to think 'I should have it together by now. What's wrong with me?'. I thought this way until I realised there are a variety of challenges that will be naturally depressing in life and I can feel those depressing or potentially depressing challenges on some level at times. My ability to feel is not my fault. Not our fault if we can feel a depressing lack of dopamine or other significant chemistry, just as it's not our fault that we can feel depressing inner dialogue or depressing or destructive belief systems that were put into our head by others at some point. Also not our fault that we can sense what feels soul destroying.

The 'do this' and 'think that' factors are interesting ones. I think that issue stems from a variety of reasons. I found one reason to involve a kind of 'graduating' process. For example, when considering how graduating through school works, we can't understand and master all the work in year 10 without having graduated through the lead up to year 10. In 'the school of hard knocks' (aka life) I can't master a sense of peace if I haven't learned about or mastered elements of anger in the lead up to this zen-like level or I can't master self-discipline if I haven't learned about or mastered elements of emotional regulation in the lead up to self-discipline. Life doesn't let me skip graduating levels. A lot of mind altering hard work at times. Underlying issues can be another factor. For example, I learned that it is impossible to generate joyful and fulfilling levels of energy when there's an unrecognised, debilitating and depressing level of sleep apnea and B12 deficiency at play. Underlying and unaddressed issues can make it impossible to 'do that' and 'think this'.

Definitely interesting how anger plays out within depression. I used to hate myself for the anger, often beating myself up over it. Then I came to understand why it can be part and parcel of depression at times. Anger covers so many different emotions in their extreme: Extreme disappointment, extreme frustration, extreme resentment, self hatred, self chastisement and so on. Triggered to rage, I discovered the trigger is always significant, always telling in some way. The question is 'What's it telling me? What's the revelation here?'. For example, an encouraging 'You'll be right' from someone sounds so simplistic and nothing to get worked up about, hey. Personally, I can feel people doing nothing other than proclaiming 'You'll be right', something that makes no difference to me when it comes to leading me out of a depression. The rage behind 'You'll be right' may be telling me that person chooses to do what is easiest for them. They choose to simply speak without taking action to help me make things right. Btw, I can also feel when someone says, in one way or another, 'This is exactly what will make it right...' and it's completely relatable. I thrive on a solid sense of guidance and direction while within a period of depression. I can feel who lights the way ahead and who leaves me to feel what 'alone in the dark' really feels like.

[jaz28]

hi there,

i am sorry to hear you are going through this. it is hard to take action when you feel so sad. especially when there are barriers to care, such as unaffordable fees.

i would suggest a specialist, like a psychologist, but i know that is hard for you to afford, but have you considered a counsellor? or maybe go to your gp and see what affordable options they have?

its good to hear that you have support, lean on that person when you need them.

jaz xx

[CamH]

Hi, thanks for the reply. I did resort to a psychologist for a short time but felt it wasn’t doing anything, and the gp prescribed the anti-depressants then increased the dose which made my ‘over thinking’ worse hence sleep issues then temper, then when I returned after approx 2 months of trying he just wanted to increase again. I said no as generally I don’t like taking pills anyway and felt it was heading in the wrong direction. I’ve now got to a stage of done trying, hoping it will just fix itself. To be honest it was good just venting a bit, let it out a touch, the few replies I got here were very interesting and worth more than the last 6-9 months combined. Thank you.

[indigo22]

Hi CamH,

I understand, sometimes the antidepressants make things worse in the beginning. You can always try again if you wish at another time, or try to work through it without them. Just be careful not to let yourself sink too low as it gets harder to get out of that black hole, the deeper you are in it.

Having an awareness of what started you on a downward spiral is also helpful so you can work on that area first. Often it will be a trauma of some kind, but not always, it could have been something less obvious. If you don't already know, I would suggest some reflective thinking about what the initial trigger was which will also help with knowing what triggers you in the present. Anger can come from a number of different sources: frustration, fear, anxiety about the future, depression about the past, disappointment, betrayal, etc. It would be helpful in the moment (or immediately after) when you are angry to ask yourself where the anger is coming from, what is the source, there is always a source. I went through a stage of outright rage for a couple of years and it was because I had pushed my anger down for so many years that it all surfaced after I no longer needed to push it down anymore. I knew it would pass once it had run its course but it needed to be expressed finally. There may be something similar in you that is needing to be expressed, you just need to figure out what that might be.

Hope that helps a little.

indigo